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I long for oneness with my city
Yearn for the clatter of the L
The cacophony of sound as it rushes overhead
Drowning out everything in its pass

In the city, pain is commonplace.
Found in the jiggling cups of the panhandlers
Read on the signs at the intersections
Heard late at night as sirens scream into the darkness....
RESCUE ME!!

In the city, anonymity is commonplace.
Found in the lack of greetings
Read on the faces of passersby
Heard in the exchanges of close friends

Pain and anonymity are accepted as openly as alternative lifestyles
They aren't hidden behind closed doors
They aren't lurking in the shadows
They aren't camouflaged with mountain views and sunshine

They don't attack me, don't catch me sleeping
In the city, I'm always on guard
Always concerned for my safety
Always aware of my surroundings

The city is not what I need to be wary of, everything is known
Here everything is uncertain, unclear, unchartered

I long for my city with its well known paths of pain and suffering
How often have I negotiated myself through its streets coming out without a scrape
I know which busses to ride, which trains to avoid
Here I get lost going around the block
Here a homeless man surprises me at my car

I know not what to avoid
I know nothing of the streets
Beautiful sunshine turns to rain
Manicured streets lead to dark alleys

Why did you bring me here?
Why did you cast me off into the unknown, without a word of caution?
How long will these memories carry on their assault?

Fighting the temptation to run....the city beckons
Finding it difficult to turn my back...she's been such a good friend.

Insomnia Round Two

Incompatibility.  When it comes to relationships...how much is too much?  I've always felt that incompatibility is one of the warning signs that goes un-heeded.  If the person you are with is "the one" then why would there be incompatibilities or issues?  Discourse I understand, little disagreements, to be expected.  But incompatibilities?  Do they belong, or more to the point, are they found in healthy, normal relationships?  Just as important...Do I carry some misconceptions of what love is, how it works?  Is my viewpoint of love based on idealistic child-like notions?

I admit I do not know.  Not because I haven't had issues of contention in my relationships, but because I haven't really had a healthy relationship.  How sad is that?  I'm 33 and my only healthy example of what a relationship could be was over before it really had a chance to get off the ground.  And all around most of what I see are relationships in varying degrees of dysfunction, chock full of incompatibilities, issues, problems.  Do they stem from not heeding the caution light as they drove by in their love mobile?  What is the cause and effect?  Do these couples have such issues in their marriages/relationships because they didn't recognize the non-congruency of their partners? 

I mean for me and my past, I would say that I definitely blew-off the warnings.  And why did I do that?  Was is love, or just the idea of it?  There were warnings signs as loud as sirens, and I chose to ignore.  The end result was divorce, pain, and very unfulfilled relationships that have left me with my share of baggage to claim, not the least of which being fear.  Fear that I wouldn't heed warning signs now and make a wrong choice...again.  Unfortunately now it appears that those warning signs, so clear before, are now clouded with this very tangible fear.  How do I discern between what is real and what is fear motivated?  How can I tell if the warning sign that is flashing is legit and not just based out of fear of duplicating the same mistakes?

And how does incompatibility fit in this thing called love?  I'm sure it is infantile to think that the one you're supposed to be with would be completely compatible with you, yet somehow that is in my brain.  Somehow through all the experiences I've had it's been programmed that incompatibility = wrong choice.  Am I really fit to be in a relationship?

And what of love as a choice?  Many people have mentioned this viewpoint of love.  I must admit that I've never shared this opinion, and it's still difficult for me to comprehend.  I've always felt that love is a feeling, an overwhelming feeling/response for another human being with no earthly explanation.  Loving someone isn't a choice one gets to make, however you can choose whether or not to be with that person based on intellectual findings.   The actual act of falling in love and being married is not so much a choice but rather something that occurs that you just can't do without.  Is this a naive view of love?
 
To be honest, the people that I've heard speak of it as a choice are all Christian, which leaves me wondering if that has something to do with it.  Or are these individuals more mature in these matters than I, or do I simply have an unrealistic ideal of what love truly is?  If this turns out to be true, what a sad day indeed.  My whole world would be turned topsy-turvy, and I would have to somehow come to an understanding in my mind that the ideas surrounding love, marriage, etc were all based in fantasy, in fairytale.  Ugh, difficult to grasp, but nevertheless important to discern.  I mean is love really just about picking someone that you're the most compatible with and then that's it?  Is there really nothing cosmic/spiritual about it?  Depressing for me to think of love in these terms, but should probably spend some time in contemplation.

And if  incompatibility exists in a healthy, normal relationship...how do you know when you've found the right one?  How do you come to some sort of working framework for these issues?  Is this what makes so many marriages mediocre?  Or have people picked the wrong person to marry, thus resulting in a mediocre marriage?  For me when something comes up that seems insurmountable or a point of serious contention, it takes all my will power not to just shut down completely and run for the hills.  The fear of making the same mistake is so powerful that it could inhibit any chance of rational thinking. 

And how is it that you can think someone is the one for you, but then have issues?  How can the one for you be a person that you have issues with?  How can you be so in love with someone one minute and the next you're worrying about whether or not the issue just unveiled is a warning sign you should heed?  How can you tell? 

How can you tell when you've loved before and it's gone so terribly wrong?  How can you trust love?  How can you trust that feeling when that feeling has lead you down some terribly rough and bumpy roads with detours so confusing you didn't think you'd ever make it out?  And now that I am out...am I what some refer to as damaged goods?  I didn't quite understand that concept when it was said to me 6 years ago, however, it feels more true than ever now.  Am I, after all the time, effort, and pain that I've walked through to deal with my divorce and understand the whys behind my decisions; am I still just damaged goods?  Have I really just followed the detour signs and made a complete circle, ending back where I started?  

It feels that way.

And if that is the case, then what of a mate?  What could I possibly offer a potential mate, except deep seated insecurity and uncertainty that I'm making the right decision.  Why put anyone through that?  Would it be better to protect others from myself?  Perhaps that would be the wise thing to do in this situation. 

Would anyone be the right decision if in my current way of thinking, the right person wouldn't be incompatible in anyway.  Doesn't sound plausible to me, after all, we are human.  Yet, if that is the case, then why do I fight against that logic?  Is my thinking really unrealistic?  And if it is, which I'm thinking that it probably is, then where do you draw the line?  Where is the incompatibility limit?  How can you be sure the person you think you're in love with is the person God intended you to be with?  How can you be sure you're not just trying to make it work out of your feelings of love for one another?  And here's the kicker...how can you be all-in, buying little gifts, planning life, excited about visits, contemplating uprooting your life-and then suddenly doubting everything?  Is fear really that powerful?  Is it really that powerful with nothing tangible behind it?

I know this is where people will say, trust.  Ask for guidance.  I am asking.  My issue with this is, how can I trust that what I think is the right course, what God intends and not me/human trying to make it work?  How can I trust, when I thought I was right before?  The little voice inside my head is now saying, "Yes you thought you were right, but you never asked.  You never took a meeting with God about these things before...never gave God a memo."  Very true, but how can I trust that what I think is of God is really of God?

How can love and fear exist is the same space?  How can one be just as powerful as the other so as to confuse and cloud reason and judgement; so as to completely unravel and knock your sense of stability and rightness completely off its feet?  How can you feel so right and sure and then so wrong and uncertain, all within the same 24-hour period?   Ugh, fear and doubt are evil things indeed. 

Can a conversation and fear do this or am I just this screwed up?  If it is the latter, if I really am just this screwed up, as horrible as that truth would be, as heart rendering as it would be to leave...I would.  I would do it to spare the one I love any pain, hurt, damage, that I would inflict.  I would go in the hopes that he would find a mate less damaged and more compatible/functional than I.  I don't like the idea of me being irreversibly screwed up, but nevertheless need to open myself up to this possibility.  Life contains causality.  There are ramifications or consequences for previous decisions.  Who am I to make another person suffer because of my disobedient choices?

My heart is heavy with this knowledge and what it may mean.  My soul hurts every time I contemplate the possibility of non-we.  But I would, I would do it for him.  Surely that must be love.  UGH...this thought process is so tiring and bewildering.

I HATE THIS BATTLE...HATE THAT THIS ISSUE HAUNTS ME.

Everything But

In my previous postings about marriage and such I have written that I feel that couples, while speaking vows, still in the back of their mind have a stopping point, or a no tresspassing point.  Like they agree to everything, but with an exception, a but clause.  I wrote how dissappointed I was that it seems that I was surrounded by this kind of example of marriage, and how I didn't want that kind of marriage/relationship if I were to have one.

What I didn't realize is how much I thought like this.  How much I put up a barrier, wall, "deal breaker."  I would look at a person and think well yes he is good in all these ways, but what about this?  Look at what he did or didn't do in this situation, look how he treated or responded in this circumstance.  After carefully analyzing the event, I would then procede accordingly.  Either ending the relationship, or chastising the behavior.  In these cases I felt completely and totally justified.  Felt that the "he" that I happened to be with at the time had let me down, wasn't strong enough to be with me, or just wasn't the right person for me, etc.  I felt relief that I had found and figured this out before too much time had gone by, like I was just looking for the reason, the incident that would seal the fate of our relationship.  Looking back, I see now why I was doing this....fear is a very powerful motivator.

Out of fear of the unknown.  Out of fear of ending up like my previous marriage.  Out of fear or being hurt, let down, or waking up one day only to realize I chose wrongly again.  Out of fear I decided that once I found out some little way in which "he" didn't measure to my standards it meant that he wasn't the right guy for me.  It meant that I wasn't supposed to be with him, that I couldn't trust our relationship, that he was taking me for granted, and that he had to fix these inequities on his own.  I was so afraid to step in and help for fear that our relationship would turn into me doing everything, while he just went along for the ride.  I was also afraid that it meant that he didn't care enough about us to conquor and wasn't strong enough on his own, that he wasn't whole, that he wasn't capable.  Didn't realize until this morning that this had become my "everything but."

Didn't realize that this message was playing in my head...yes of course I'll love you, yes of course I'll do nice things for you, fold your laundry, cook you dinner....little things that didn't require much of me, didn't fall into my expectation categories.  I'll be more than happy to do these things for you hun...but don't ask me to do that.   Don't ask me to pull you out of your funk, don't ask me to sort out your life stuff, don't lean on me, don't ask me to work on things that you've been putting off...don't ask me for help in things that I believe you should do on own.  I'll do anything else...everything....but that.

Because that for me triggers all kinds of questions and insecurities.  That for me makes me think that this realtionship will not survive.  That for me makes me think that you are incapable of structuring and running your life and that I will become your mother, for lack of a better term.  That for me fills me with fears of duplicating my past.  And that fear makes me want to run.  That fear makes me want to pack it in and part with whatever dignity I have left.  That fear makes me question my choice of mate yet again and brings everyting into question.  Did God choose this or am I just making this relationship work in my mind, when it's not what God intended? Why would God want this for me?

So I prayed.  I prayed for direction, guidance, trust.  I prayed that God would take these fears away and would show me what I needed to see, would help me be the wife I needed to be.  Would settle my mind and calm this storm inside my head.  I prayed and prayed...and this morning God answered.  I was sitting in my car driving to church this morning and he began his answer...starting with, if the tables were reversed my mate would help in whatever way he could.  Dawn began a faint ascent in my mind.

Then I got to church and during the message that pastor talked about why we help one another as Christians.  The first being gratitude/thankfulness to God for all the ways in which He has blessed our lives.  The second reason was obedience.  It was during this explanation that the pastor quoted Deuteronomy 22:4 "If you see your neighbor's ox or donkey lying on the road, do not look the other way.  Go and help your neighbor get it to its feet!" And Provers 3:27 and 14:21a, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help.  It's criminal to ignore a neighbor in need..."  It was during this time in the service that I chuckled out loud, looked up to the ceiling and said,"Ok, God, got it."  Especially since I had just gotten off the phone with my mate who had just referred to himself as a donkey in a ditch.

Who more deserving that my mate?  Who more deserving of help than the person that God has choosen for me?  How could I desire to be a godly wife, yet have a deal breaker?  The two are incompatible with each other.  One cannot be a godly wife or have a union like the one God intended between a husband and a wife if an "everything but" existed in my mind.  In a godly marriage, there is no "everything but," instead it's God how can I serve?  How can I love more, be more, live more in your light.  How can I be the wife you've intended me to be?  Help me be more for the mate you have chosen than I could ever be on my own.

One the back of our bills it states, "In God We Trust."  Never really paused to give that statement much thought.  However, the words are weighty and when considered in this realm, don't leave much to interpretation.  It's simple really...In God Will I Trust.  Will I trust that this is the man especially created for me?  Will I trust that God will not let occur what has happened in my past.  Will I give up control of any outcome and trust God's plan, whatever that may be, however or whenever it is revealed to me?

In this there are no shades of grey, it's black and white.  Will I or will I not?  It's the choice that God always asks us to make.  The point where free will comes into play.  He unveils some kernel of truth and then sits back to watch which path we'll take.

Time to get my donkey out of his ditch...

Truth Serum III

So, back to the whole excellence thing. As I stated previously, in this concept of excellence is separation. A separation that allowed me to pull back from people. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, this thought of society not ostracizing me, but in fact, me as one who ostracizes. My mind just came up with a quote from the Brat Pack classic Pretty in Pink: "If you put out signals that you don't want to belong, people are going to make sure that you don't." And I did. Sure it was built out of need. The need to protect myself from others. The desire to not feel rejected, hurt, used, abused. Growing up, I'd experienced this through my family and friends, either personally or by association. I just never realized how much of an impact it had. How much of my "excellence" was crafted so that I could keep people at arm's length. So that there would always be a separation. So that the risk of being hurt, etc. by others would become a non-issue.

Of course, this would only last so long.  Afterall, we are designed for community, and try as I may as stubborn as I am, I too would begin to feel the need for deeper companionship. And so, I'd crack. I'd climb back down my mountain, and give the guy friend that said he liked me a chance.  Afterall, we were friends, don't all great relationships hinge on friendship?  It's interesting to note that the major relationships I've been in, not including Jon (Jon was the impetus of this realization), had this in common. My ex's, all three of them, thought the same way about me.  They all thought I was amazing, wonderful, intelligent, talented, and exceptional.  They all thought themselves to be less...less intelligent, less talented, less confident, less able, less determined in life, and each one of the told me that I make them want to be a better man.  And in my lack of experience I took this as a challenge and a compliment.  I would help them.  Help them be more than they thought they could be!  This of course suited me to the tee- I got to be teacher, they the all to willing students. 

And to my chagrin, I used this.  I used this to distract myself from my own life, what I needed to work on.  I was too busy teaching.  Too busy teaching him to notice that it was me that needed to be taught.  Too busy fixing the "messes" of his life to realize I myself was messed up.  Me, messed up, how absurd!  I was exceptional! I couldn't possibly be a mess, I was above all that trivial humaness.  He was the one that was messed up.  He was the one that was average.  He was the one that I chose to bring up to my lofty perch.  My project so to speak. 

Then to add insult to injury, I would become annoyed, frustrated, demanding, even irate, when these poor souls would invariably not live up to my expectations.  Expectations of excellence that I'd fostered, watered, and tried to grow in them.  Grow in them so that we could be "exceptional" together.  And when that realization hit, when I'd come to rock bottom with them, I would pack their bags and send them back down the mountain from whence they came.  Back down to squalor, in the valley of average, not even realizing that I was partly to blame.  That my own mess had created this joined mess.  And this was my standard operating procedure because it was safe. Safe for me, because in the end, when it didn't work out I walked away hurt...hurt, but not annihilated.  Truth is truth, but oh how far does this rabbit hole go??  How cruel I have been, how twisted, but yet there's an innocent ignorance in it, I'd guess it's referred to as naivete 

Innocence, because I was truthfully never aware that this was what I was doing.  Lacking leadership and knowledge of how relationships between men and women flow, and given my experiences growing up, I chose what I thought was right.  Chose to be with men that didn't give me the butterflies, didn't necessarily make me swoon on first meeting.  I chose this because it was understood at an early age, that if you did choose to go with those kinds of feelings, when it didn't work out, the aftermath would be so intense, the rejection, the pain, the loss of identity.

I was self-protecting...how average of me.  Better to have control over your emotions.  Better to be the one left standing, than the one needing help up off the ground.  Better to not be Lloyd Dobler holding your boombox over your head desperately hoping your love will hear it and come back. 

I didn't know how to be vulnerable.  Didn't know I was also messed up.  Didn't know I hadn't averted the original design.  Didn't know that I was like everyone else...average in all the ways that every human is average.

Didn't know until Jon, didn't completely understand until now...

Truth Serum II

I laid awake thinking last night about me- seems to be my favorite topic of thought these days.  I try not to view it as completely narcissistic, because the concepts that I'm "chewing on"  are universal in nature and not merely centered around me.  Currently, I'm struggling with a concept that, until recently, I thought I had figured out.  The concept of sameness in humanity.

Before I go off on a tangent, some background information about my original thoughts on this topic.  I've never thought we were designed the same.  Or actually more to the point, I never thought I was designed the same.  As egotistical as that sounds, and I'm becoming more and more aware of just how elitist this thought pattern is, it's the truth.  I've always thought sameness applied to others.  Always have seen it in others, this status quo mentality, Lemming thought process.  I've always rallied against this concept.  In fact the worse thing I felt I could ever be in this world is average.

And so, I was determined to be different.  I looked at all the Lemmings, the vast landscape of human sameness and ho-hum existence, and began fervently packing a bag for a different destination.  I purchased my one-way ticket long ago and never looked back.  I traversed mountains, climbing up above the cloud cover and dug out a space where I could sit.  And sit I did.  I sat and looked down into the valley of sameness, from my exceptional vantage point.

I even tried to help lift others out of sameness.  Tried to take people with me, friends, family members, yet in the end they always failed to reach the summit.  And so, lacking the endurance to push them up (you can lead a horse to water...), I came to the decision that they were just designed to be like everyone else, and I was just different...exceptional.  For whatever reason, I was lucky enough, or more determined, to not be status quo.  This used to bother me, used to make me feel isolated, until I just accepted this concept...that I'm not like everyone else, nay, I'm better.

'Tis a difficult thing indeed to think of myself this way, yet I cannot hide from this truth.  That was how I reasoned my uniqueness.  In this line of thinking, I could keep everyone at arm's length.  I could climb down from my mountain and mingle with the locals, but in the end my home was on higher ground.  Ugh, how revolting was I?  Funny, I never considered myself to be egotistical or elitist.  However, I can see now how my line of thinking, my idea that I am different/ unique, has created in me a separation.  A separation between the rest of society and me.  This separation has built up a considerable amount of pride and ego.  A feeling of self-importance, not that my life is more valuable than another, but that I've figured out something that other people hadn't.  That I'm more aware of things, more able, more intelligent, more equipped to handle the deeper theories in humanity.  That I'm different, and in that difference is excellence. 

My ego would like to take this opportunity to point out that I did try to use this excellence to help others excel.  However, my mind feels obligated to point out to my ego, that while I was helping others, I was also, in fact, aiding my feelings of self-important, better than you, excellence. 

I'm reminded of a recurring statement my parents used to say when I was young,"There's just no getting through to you.  I can't tell you anything."  It's a bitter thing indeed to look back and see that they could've been right all along.  That all this time, all these years, when I thought they just didn't understand...could it all have been me? I have a difficult time thinking it was all me, yet is it true? Ashamedly, it's easy to take on roll of teacher, much more challenging for me to be a student...sigh.

Ugh is this true...is this really true?  My inner thought process fights these notions as not plausible.  I can't be this way.  "It's not what you think!" my ego wails from the corner.  You're misunderstanding, I...I haven't explained it well," it's panicking now.  Wringing it's hands, it grabs at any past notion it's ever implanted in my brain to try and throw at this new revelation, trying to kill it in it's infancy. 

But now that I've seen the truth, reverting seems impossible.  After all, it's expensive to change a ticket...and what if there aren't any flights available when I want to return?

Truth Serum

Sadness pervades every fiber of my being.  So many things feel insurmountable today.  I am at a loss.  I am not good enough, strong enough, wise enough.  I cannot hold everything, support everything, I AM FAILING.  Failing my brother, my sister-in-law, TJ, Jordyn, friends, loved ones, myself.  I am at a loss for what to say, what to do, how to help.  I'm a skyscraper in a city of chaos.  All around me things are crumbling, falling apart, coming undone.  Yet, here I stand trying to stay upright while my foundation is starting to show cracks.  Tiny fissures of helplessness and doubt are starting to run across the ceilings in every room, on every floor.  The fuses are blowing and I'm unable to keep the lights on.  Rooms are starting to go dark.  How can I change the reflection in my mirrored facade.  How can I make them see?

Oh God, is this the lesson you are trying to teach me?  I realize that I've been struggling to come to terms with this in my brain.  Wasn't truly aware of this until this moment, right now, funny how I just prayed about this last night...be prepared to get what you ask for. The lesson is this...I will fail, no it's bigger than that...WE will fail....nope bigger than that even....HUMANITY will always fail.  Yet even as I write this, as I type this my inner thought process is denouncing this as true.  Is that pride?  Pride that doesn't want to admit to this failing of humanity.  Pride that I cannot do things on my own.  Pride and yet again my overabundant supply of independence.... 

UGH...Is this really true??  Yet even as I question the validity of this theory, I know it to be true.  I feel  it to be true.  Feel it in my innermost being and it saddens me.  Saddens not my mind or soul, but my ego.  It's my ego that makes me feel dejected.  My ego that is making me feel less than right now.  Yet even as I know this intellectually, it doesn't lighten the darkness.

However, I cannot go back.  I cannot let myself rationalize this truth away, even though it currently fills me with such overwhelming heaviness, sadness, and turmoil.  I have to allow this new concept/theory/idea/truth to marinate until I am well with it.  I have to sit, I have to wait.

The truth is thus:

I WILL FAIL, I CANNOT DO THINGS ON MY OWN, MY WILL IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH

I do not like this design feature right now.  I DO NOT.  This is hard for me to swallow.

See but that's the thing.  That's what society is always trying to tell us.  This lie.  This complete fantasy.  This utter foolishness, that "we" hold the answers.  That "we" have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc.  That "we" do it alone.  Yes, there is a point that we do have to make decisions, that the choice is in our hands.  But look at the track record.  If we, meaning humanity, truthfully do have all the power we need to change, create,  and help ourselves then why haven't "we" done anything about?  What are we waiting for?   Is it lack of desire...certainly not.  Is it lack of resources; we are more advantaged and have more resources at our fingertips than ever before. 

Therefore the only conclusion that can be drawn is that we aren't the answer.  We do not hold the absolute power in our lives to effect lasting change.  I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember!  In fact, have told many people that we do have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc., that limits are self-created.  While I still believe that we have responsibility and hold some power to inact change, I'm beginning to understand our limits, my limits. and that is humbling.  Humbling and scary, yet freeing in other ways...summed up in one very simple statement:

I am human, I have limits...God is infinite, I am not.

Dear Jon

It's painful still.   The past two days have seemed so lonely, so dark.  I keep thinking that it will pass, as I wipe away my tears; cling to the knowledge that this can't last forever.  And yet, in the back of my mind, I'm unsure.  The memories that are coming back are so sharp, so tangible.  I'm left yet again, with a vision of myself like a child stomping my feet and yelling "IT'S NOT FAIR!" at the top of my lungs.  Am I really still in this place???  Have I really not gotten any further along this road??  All this pain I've allowed myself to experience.  All the times I've allowed myself to just break down and cry...the grocery store, bicycling, walking around town...all this has been done in vain?  Will this ever end?  Will I ever not feel like something is missing?  Will I ever not feel cheated, denied, punished?

Last night the moon was out.  So brilliant, beautifully serene floating amongst the clouds.  I wondered if you could see it?  If you could see the stars that night.  I'm alone even though I'm surrounded by others.  How I long for your presence.  How I yearn for the connection we had.  It's hard to go through every day knowing that my days would've been so different with you in my life.  And I'm the one left here.  Left here to fight, to struggle, to survive. Tonight it just doesn't seem just.  Why was it your time?  Why not mine?  Or why not ours?  Or why not either of us?  I don't understand.

The past couple of days I've been losing the war.  I'm apologize if I'm letting you down, but it seems that my army is surrounded.  I've got no ammo left  and I just threw my last grenade.  Hope and faith is all I have left.  I'm hoping this will pass, and I desperately cling to the belief that someday this will all make sense.  This will all have been for a purpose, a reason.  I guess I'll just dig a hole and wait for reinforcements.  Hope they don't screw up the coordinates and lose me, or worse destroy me...

I miss you daily, hourly, deeply, painfully...tearfully.

L

Since Sunday...

What happened to the joy
Where has the laughter gone
The light has dimmed
The weight has remained

How quickly pain returns
An unwelcome guest, always staying too long
How swiftly day turns to dark
Hoping for dawn
Need to feel the sun

Fighting for another day
Not sure one will come
Trying not ask why

I've been here before
Will I find my way again?

Carnivale

Couples as far as the eye can see
Some with strollers
Some walking hand in hand
Surrounded by a sea of couples
I stand alone, my thoughts as companion.

Tonight I fight with reality
My heart wants not to believe
I feel like I'm walking backwards
Present hurling by in a blur
My stomach queasy

When will this ride be over?

Reverie

Photographs of you spark my melancholy
The warmth of your smile
A twinkle in your eye
Laughter in your expression
And I'm pulled back again
Back into reverie,
Reliving the moments frozen in the frames
Why do I still wish for something I cannot have?

When will the longing end?

When...

My Midnight Visit

I just spent the last few hours at a friend's house listening to the breakdown of her marriage. How nothing seems to be able to be done. How it's not getting better. How he doesn't get it. How he's not willing to go to counseling. How they have the same arguments over and over and over. How it's over.

I'm sitting there feeling overwhelmed. This is above my pay grade. I have no idea what to do, what to say, so I pray. I pray for her. I pray for them. I pray for me. I pray...trying to pray away the loneliness, the pain, the hole inside me, inside them. What is the right course? How can I best help them? What can I possibly offer them if the only option that I have to give them is something that he isn't really willing to do? Why do people stop before exhausting all resources? Why do people have that line that they won't cross? Why do they not stop at nothing. Why?

You are married...this is a non-negotiable. There is no stop, no line, no divide between what you will and won't do to grow. How can you hold back from something that could help? Why will you not "go the extra mile." Why are you fighting? These are all things I wish I could say to him. These are all things that need to be said, challenged. Why are people so protective of themselves when it comes to marriage? What are you protecting yourself from? Your spouse, your pain? How has that been working out for you? Are you or your marriage in a better place than a year ago?

Frustrating for me. So completely frustrating to see when others are blind. Or am I the one blinded? Blinded by hope in something that I've never fully experienced, only felt, that it is possible. Cut short before it had a time to actualize, I am left only with these ideas of what I think our relationship would have been. I have these ideas that Jon and I would have been different. But is this true? Would we have been different? Would we have exhausted everything for our relationship? Would we truly have had no stopping point. No proverbial line drawn in the sand. In truth, I'll never know. But I cling to the hope that this kind of relationship could exist.

If I live my whole life and never find it, that's ok. I will not settle for anything less.

Grey Day

Dear Jon,

Your house is almost complete and I feel no sense of accomplishment. These last few weeks have been arduous, but at least they've offered a distraction. Now that it is coming to an end, I'm left with unrest. Agitated, yet know not how to quell my anger. I'm itching to run, yet can't seem to find my shoes. I'm afraid of the dark, yet can't seem to find the switch. I long for different, yet find myself surrounded by sameness.

My life is a vacuum,and I'm just waiting foot poised on the power button, daring myself to step down and let life take it's course. There is no rhyme or reason to life for me today. No intentions, no direction, just a vast landscape of faults, afflictions, and mountains to climb. I've thrown away my backpack and spare rations. My compass got tangled up in some branches a couple miles back. It's raining, I'm soaked, and I could care less.

I don't want to find my way home...there is no home. Home is just a fallacy we create in our head so that we don't feel alone. So that we, as human, feel connected to one another. I don't need comfort. I don't need connection. I don't need. I don't want. I don't care. I don't...today.

I'M SO DONE

If They Only Knew

Your scent still lingers
Nobody else can tell but me
They all think I'm crazy
They all think I'm creating it out of some need
A need of what?

Comfort?
If they only knew how much it effects me, they would understand

Security?
If they only knew how much I ache, they would understand

Connection?
If they only knew how painful the memory, they would understand

They would understand that your scent doesn't give me anything but grief

An instant reminder of what was and can never be again
Anguished that I'll never see you again
Angered that I'll never be with you again, share with you again

How is this possible?

If they only knew...

Bottom of the 9th

The 9th Sunday. It's the ninth Sunday since I last spoke with you. I can still recite our last conversation. Tonight I found out how quickly you were drawn to me, how much you cared for me, heard the story from someone else's lips. Heard how much you held back so that we could develop a foundation of friendship. I'm so thankful for everything, every way in which you demonstrated how much you cared for me. I always felt so treasured, loved, appreciated, respected, not from what you would say but from what you would do, your actions.

Because of you I have a bar with which to measure...I just wish I didn't have to.

I miss you. I miss us. Tonight, it's raw.

2 Months

I was afraid I was losing you
Afraid that my memories were fading
Not wanting to forget one minute of time, one frame, one expression
To relish in the moments like kids basking in the freedom of summer
Playing them over and over in my mind out of fear

Fear that I would forget
Fear that your importance would lessen
Fear there would be no lasting impact

All because the tears were lessening
Lessening from torrential downpours to dreary drizzle
From rapid waterfalls to bubbling brooks

It was then that light dawned

All that I've been asking for
Prayers for strength, release, answers, direction, peace, faith
The nights spent crying out for help
The mornings weeping at dawn

The storm is running its course

Clarity is beginning to grow
Hope has found it's way into my soul
A new foundation is being built

A voice gently saying
It's ok to let go
Trust in me
Let the fear subside

Surrender

In me you will always remember

What Comes After "I Do"

Tonight I became aware of something that I thought I've already dealt with. I was sitting with a friend exchanging thoughts about life and suddenly it slapped me across the face. This fear that I didn't think was an issue anymore. This fear that I thought I had put to bed. This fear of marriage and lifelong commitment.

It's easy to see why I would fear it. I'm surrounded by marriages in different states of chaos and dysfunction, not to mention my own encounter with it, so it's understandable that I would be wary of sharing my life with someone in matrimony. It's scary to witness and even scarier to think that none of this was evident when the words "I DO" were shared. When these people promised to love and cherish each other for eternity they didn't know what they were entering into. The issues didn't come up until after they were married. After they walked the isle, changed names and now they were stuck. I was stuck. Stuck in a marriage more terrifying and unfulfilling than being alone. And here's the real question, if they knew then what they know now, would they still get married?

I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I've lived it. The constant arguing both with your partner and yourself. The loss of self respect, dignity, pride. The loss of love, hope, dreams. Deep feelings of sorrow, regret, anger, resentment...I've had them all. I've had them all and have worked diligently to overcome them. Would I ever want to risk putting myself in a situation where the same things could happen again?

With Jon, everything felt different, right, smooth. Everything felt grounded, supported by each other like a solid foundation supports a house. I had a visualization in my head of what our marriage would look like. It would not be ordinary. It would not be nights of lack luster conversations or tension filled meals at the dinner table. It would not be built on hiding truths or fear of exposing issues. It would have been filled with joy, respect, laughter, and partnership. A deep understanding of one another and a willingness to work together in order to make our marriage stronger.

There seems to be an epidemic in this country. An epidemic so contagious that it seems to be multiplying more rapidly each day. There seems to be a shortage of people willing to die. By dying I don't mean death, I mean surrender. While people take vows of love, honor, and respect when they marry, it seems that somewhere along the line these vows get forgotten. Somehow barriers are constructed whereby husbands and wives vow they will do anything for their mate...anything but "that." This lack of selflessness is the virus that is being spread in our society. It's not always verbalized, this silent deal breaker, but if you look hard enough you can find it. It's hiding among the arguments and petty disagreements. The inability to see the other person's viewpoint. The tone that is used. It's found in the choices that couples make and the way in which they keep track of things to make sure that everything is equal. Selflessness is an attribute that is so necessary for a successful marriage. Without it, individuals are always striving for what is best for him/herself. The need to put oneself first will supersede the partner. Even if it appears that they are doing something for their partner, there will be an agenda behind the action.

Is this what marriage becomes? A power struggle to see who gives up the least? A partnership more incongruous than business partners yet somehow existing and living under the same roof? How did a unity so sacred that it serves as an example of the unison of Father and Son evolve into this? How did it go astray?

To have a successful marriage you must have the desire to do anything in order to improve the marriage! Possess the ability to die to yourself so that there can become a stronger union. This is the breaking point that most people aren't capable of crossing- this ability to be selfless and submit to what needs to be done.

There isn't an even trade when it comes to marriage. It's not about equality...it's about partnership.

Surreal

The key feels heavy in my hand as I walk to the door. I pause and turn the key in the lock, opening your door, still wishing you were on the other side. I am greeted by your scent. It permeates the air, like lilacs on a warm summer evening. Thick, heady, I breathe deeply as tears start to roll down my face. I drop my bag and feel the carpet between my fingers as I crumble onto the floor. It takes a moment to realize that the voice shattering the silence is my own.

I don't even recognize the sound of my own sorrow.

Open Door

Hallway of my life
Doors line the walls
So many choices
Looking for the light behind to illuminate
Which one to open

Knobs of heavy brass, cold in my grip

I step back, hesitate

It's not time to decide

It's time to wait

Cleaning House

Dear Jon,

Your family arrived a couple days ago and we have begun the task of cleaning out your house. The home of my memories is now starting to look like a house. The group came yesterday and we had a movie night. You would've loved seeing the whole group and your family cozily watching a movie downstairs. I so wish you would've been there. In fact, I kept expecting you to walk through the house at any moment, kept expecting to hear your footsteps down the stairs, kept expecting you to sit down next to me, and wrap your arm around my shoulders...but you never did.

And you should be here. There is still a part of me that cannot believe that this is happening. I'm helping your family sort through your stuff, and yet it doesn't seem real. I keep thinking that maybe we're just sorting through stuff because we're joining households, or you decided to have a garage sale. I keep thinking that you're just going to walk through the door, cross the room and give me a hug hello. How I long for your return, and yet know that's not possible.

I never realized that you could miss someone so tangibly with all of your being. I never knew that you could long for someone so much that you think you can bring them back by sheer will, thoughts, and determination.

WE FEEL CHEATED! All of us. The whole family. Cheated. Cheated that we don't get to see you and me together. Cheated that there will be no wedding. Cheated that there won't be any children to witness you as a father. CHEATED that we found the person that we wanted to be with, connect with, live out our lives with. Why would this happen? Why, when everyone was praying that Jon would find his mate and marry, would it end before completion?

I can't stop having images of the future in my head. They play through my mind like a movie. A future that isn't going to happen, can't happen, because you're not here. I don't even have to close my eyes to see us together. On Thursday, before your family arrived, I was walking around upstairs, and it was as if your house was now our house. I was just prepping for your family's visit, making up the guest rooms, and you were downstairs making dinner. After we were finished, we would convene to the couch and cuddle up and chat about our day, or your family coming to town. Why can't this be the case?

A week. That's all the time I have left to be in your house. A week. Your family leaves on Friday. After Friday, your house will be empty, barren. It no longer even smells like you. The couches where we spent so much time talking are now sitting in the garage awaiting donation. The kitchen table where I sat and watched you cook me dinner the Saturday night before you died is now back to its rightful owner. They CD of the symphony we listened to that Saturday is now laying in a box marked "Les." Everything, all of it, will be gone.

My memories of us are all that's going to be left, and I hate it. I beyond hate it! I hate that there will be no more late night chats cuddling up on the couch. No more movie nights sharing the same blanket. No more watching you cook. No more drives through Horsetooth. No more evenings at the symphony or watching hockey fights on center ice. No more bike rides together in the rain. No more witty puns. No more us!!

It's beyond difficult to surrender to this, to wrap my head around this! I'm not fighting it, it so difficult. I cry often and without warning. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I drove home last night, contemplating pulling over, because I was sobbing so hard that I didn't know if I should be driving at the same time. It hurts. It hurts so bad at times that it actually feels like my heart is breaking. I actually feel physical pain.

Oh Jon, why couldn't you have lived? Why did you have to go? Why? Why? WHY! The unfairness of your death is so hard to fight! I can't believe that we didn't get more time. More time to enjoy what we had both finally found. This just can't be happening. It can't! There's been some mistake.

Why was it necessary for you to go?

Old Town

I went out tonight for the first time since Jon passed. We went out to old town, got dressed up and walked around enjoying the summer night. I wore a dress that I bought in the spring with hopes of wearing it on a warm summer date night. All around me were memories. It was as if I was walking through a dream.

Every where we went I could close my eyes and invision us walking arm in arm. Down this street is the coffee shop where we used to drink lattes and talk. Here is the art gallery where you found out about our shared loved of photography and you spoke of the summer when we could grab a couple of your cameras and hike up into the mountains. These are the sidewalks were I taught you what side you should walk on. There is the bench where we sat and debated for hours.

This town is too small for our memories. Every piece of the landscape, everything reminds me of you. It's so painful to walk your past in the present when presently you can no longer create memories like the past.

I know I shouldn't make any big decisions for awhile, but tonight leaves me wondering how long I should stay? I'm not sure this town is big enough to create a new future without marring it with constant reminders of the past.

Chess

Last night it hit me again
Anger, anguish, animosity
At God, at life, at myself
Didn't I deserve this happiness, didn't he?

Is my life a trivial game of chess?
Devil and God on opposites sides of my board.
Moving my pieces, sharing small talk as they play...
Is there a strategy?
Does God have a trick up his sleeve?
Is it Checkmate in three moves?

How I wish to make meaning out of the last moves.
I fail to understand the game, somehow I've lost the playbook.
I'm down to pawns, racing to the other side.
Each move getting closer.
Hoping to reach the last square on the board.

Not sure what to ask for
Not sure how to win
Looking for guidance
Looking for a sign
Looking for a way out of confusion

Praying my pawns will prevail...

Sand

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Practically weightless in my hand
Falling, sifting between my fingers
Bouncing down onto the shiny surface
Deafening all other sounds, except the breaking of my heart, the sobbing of my soul

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Final resting place on wood
Don't want to watch
Can't avert my eyes
Reality sounds hollow

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Mixing with my tears
Etched into my memory
Can't believe it's real
Must be dreaming

Coarse, rough texture
Grey, brown, color

A measure of time
The hourglass has emptied
This moment stands frozen
As the glass is flipped

Miscreants

Be thankful that you are still alive.
Still able to waste your life complaining, creating obstacles.
Pondering the uselessness of your own mortality
Posturing about your own self worth
Laughing at the gifts that were so bestowed upon you.

YOU MAKE ME CRINGE!

How lucky you are that I do not make the decision
How fortunate that I do not hold the title to your soul
You waste of oxygen
You disgrace to your benefactor

Had I the power to enact change, I would trade your life for another
This is why you are left, while others are gone
You have still so much more to learn
Your judge ever patient, ever hoping, that you will begin to see

How I wish I could lift the veil obstructing your view

Bike Ride

I took my niece on her first bike ride today.
Handlebar streamers blowing in the wind,
Balance unsteady as she weaved her way down the street.
"Stay out of the middle of the road," I keep hearing myself repeating.
Her long legs pumping with the effort, she weaves back towards safety.
The breeze picks up and soon we are biking through cottonwood snow.
It floats by lazily, the fluffy little bunches dancing in the breeze.
She has faced her fear of biking today.
I think of you and tell her that Uncle Jon would be so proud.
She thinks you can see us biking.
I hope she's right.

Today

Today I'm sad. Today I struggle. Today I'm mad. Part of me is so mad that I am going through this sadness, this grief. It's a dichotomy inside of me. Where one part of me is so thankful that I moved here and met you, the other side of me is SCREAMING MAD at the pain that I am going through.

I HATE THIS!!!! I HATE THIS!!! Part of me HATES YOU!! Hates you for leaving me here with all these possibilities that will now go unfulfilled. I hate me for giving in and becoming close to you And yet, even as I type this I know that this isn't true. That this is the pain talking. I know that I don't hate you or me. I know that I LOVED the time that we spent together and will cherish it always. The impact you have had on my life will be forever. Us has changed me.

So thankful for that....but feel so completely cheated. I DESERVED MORE TIME DAMMIT!!!! We both did. The unfairness of this situation is unbearable to me at the present moment. I CANNOT BE ZEN ABOUT THIS!! I WANT A REASON! I WANT AN EXPLANATION!

I want you here, alive, with me. I want it with every fiber of my being You and I talking on my couch until 2 in the morning. Drinking Green Tea Chai Lattes and walking arm in arm, so comfortable, so at ease. You debating with me, your arms outstretched as you make your points. Us laughing at our corny puns and lame jokes. Us biking in the rain, laughing, swinging on the park bench. Me watching you cook me dinner. Our late night drive through Horsetooth, looking down at the lights of Fort Collins, talking about the "big" things in life, I want it all and more. I wanted a lifetime, and got months.

What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to heal? It's not fair.

I hate today.

Sunny

Today I wake without tears.
The sunrise streams in through my window, my gentle alarm clock.
I roll over and curl up under the covers, not wanting to face the day quite yet.

Then I hear the birds chirping and footsteps overhead...sounds of life.
Even through the pain, even though I feel heavy laden...there is still life.

The sun still shines
The wind dances on the grass and twirls through the leaves.
Life is still thriving, while I just exist

I fight to put one foot in front of the other.
Soon I'm walking through another day.

Soon I will be running again.
The path will be different - I will be different.

But I bet the sun will shine on this road too.

2 Weeks

Two weeks have passed since we walked arm in arm.

Down by the river, I showed you my favorite color of sky,

Midnight blue with navy velvet, lush, soft, and warm...inviting us in.

Your arm around my shoulders we sat on the bank by an old tree

And watched the rippling river current wash over the waterway,

And talked about life as the wind blew our voices into the night.

Two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, Yet it hurts today.

Bruise

There's a bruise on my calf from our last bike ride,
It appeared the day after you died.
All black and yellow, painful to the touch,
I remember being surprised when I found it.

This large, ugly, angry mass on my inner calf,
And then I remembered the rain, the ride, my fall, our laughter.
(Your hands in mine as you helped me up.)

It's been over a week now and the bruise has softened somewhat.
No longer angry and black,
It's edges confusing and blending into one huge dark chocolate blob on my calf.
It's no longer painful unless pressed really hard.
Every once in awhile I squeeze it to see if it still hurts.
The reaction is slowly becoming less and less.

I know eventually that the huge bruise on my calf will become non-existent
It will heal and the purplish mark will meld back into my skin.
I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my bruise
Sometimes it feels like forever, and sometimes it seems I'm still falling.

I worry what will be left after the bruise goes away.
Will I forget it was even there?
Will I long for its return?
Will I be scared to ride again?

I know bruises heal in their own time...
I wonder how long it will take.

I'm not ready for it to be gone.

A Week and Two Days

There's a pit in my stomach. Sickly, nauseating, churning, pit in my stomach. A feeling reminiscent of my first time in summer camp away from my parents. Homesickness. I haven't felt it in years. I've spent the morning keeping myself busy with the mundane tasks of laundry and cleaning, trying to pick up where I left off over a week ago. Over a week ago, when you were still alive and my mind danced around ideas of future plans, awaiting the next time I would get to hear your voice or see you again.

Now, there's this pit in my stomach that makes swallowing difficult. This pit in my stomach that has me gasping for air as the tears stream down my face. The sadness comes in waves and crashes in without warning. Although I know all the intellectual and spiritual arguments I am still that little girl yearning for her home afraid of: the dark, the quiet, the stillness, when loneliness creeps it's way into my camp. My mind still angry, throws itself on the floor screaming, "I won't believe it! It's not fair!!!" beating it's fists on the floor. "How is this possible!!!"

Pushing through seems impossible, yet I try to remind myself that this sadness will become less and less and that somehow, someway this is all part of The Plan. The problem is what will I be left with? What am I supposed to do with all of this? I wish I somehow knew what would be at the end of this. Why must I endure this? Why take away this gift?

It is inconceivable to me that you are gone. The sadness is beyond any words created to express it. All I have is this pit in my stomach, my memories of you, and my hope in faith that somehow this will all make sense someday.

Someday when I am no longer homesick for you.

Inconceivable

Pain...What is Pain?
Pain is proof of love's existence.
It is the evidence of shared experiences.
The expression of the intangible,
The tears of laughter,
The duration of time,
The depth of connection,
The strength of the bond,
The warmth of the embrace,
The joy in the smiles,
The answer to possibilities.

Preponderance

I've become aware of a certain amount of egotism and egoism at work. I can see it in a myriad of ways. Freud would say that it is a necessary part of the human psyche, however, ironically it seems, I thought that it was something that I didn't struggle with...a ruse no doubt created by that which I didn't think I had in order to continue to persevere. (This I find extremely amusing, how very clever indeed.) Over the years it has laid the foundations of numerous labels, identities, etc. which I put my effort, my faith, and attempted to live my life in. The following is a brief list:

• An individual
• An opera singer
• A chef's wife
• A stepmother
• An artist
• A writer
• An intellectual
• A good person
• A bad person
• A married person
• A divorced person
• A fighter
• A feminist
• A transcendentalist
• An athlete
• The "strong" woman
• The anarchist
• The poet
• An equal
• A partner
• A misfit

But am I any of these? Am I anything except a soul, an energy, a body, brain, atoms, molecules? And the rest? All the rest created from within, from society, from experience, from an egotistical necessity to set myself apart from all others-to make me different, important, special, unique. To make me matter.

New Concept

I've never dated. Sure, I've gone out on dates, and such, but I've never really dated a person. You know, spent hours getting to know someone and slowly spending more time with them, but not entering into a relationship. How do people do this and still maintain enough distance to not get too attached? Will it end up that one person will inevitably get hurt? And will that one person be me? I have no idea how to do this adult dating thing. I guess I'm still stuck in my youth in this department, focusing on one person at a time, rather than getting to know multiple people and not entering into something romantic. Or maybe what I call hanging out is dating, it's just that I equate that with my tomboy youth and think it's still just friends getting together.

I must admit that it's a confusing concept for me. I'm hoping for clarity, understanding, and am thankful for the opportunity to grow in this way.

All By Myself

I don't fit in...that's the feeling I get every time I've been out here with a group of people at night. I simply just do not fit in. At first I was ok with standing out, being the girl from Chicago. But now, it's just getting lonely. I feel people staring at me all the time, but nobody ever approaches to say HI. They just stare at me, like I'm the newest exhibit at the zoo, all colorful clothing, heels, and sparkly jewelry. My humor isn't understood, my style is weird, my opinions and beliefs are met with surprise, and somehow much of what I say seems to be interpreted incorrectly. I've never felt more self-conscious, more alone, or more ostricized.

I have become that kid picked last in gym class...

Love and Vulnerability

I have a thing about appearing weak. In relationships with the opposite sex, this comes across as toughness and righteous indignation if for some reason something transpires that I do not approve of. I have been used to quickly correcting the offense with whatever power woman speech I felt necessary to give at the time and will continue until I get the apology that I think I deserve, which always came quickly. This is how I thought I should garner respect from men, in fact this is what I thought needed to occur in order for men to respect you- this and making sure I could keep up with them on and off the court in all things stereotypically male.

Growing up as a tomboy, I learned that if you didn't assert and stand up for yourself that a man would take this as a sign of weakness and would then take advantage of the situation and eventually would mop his floor with your affections. I saw this happen time and time again with my friends. The girls eventually being the butt end of jokes said between men as they laugh talking about their conquests. I decided then that I would never end up some poor little girl with an unrequited crush. Would never end up as dirt under some guy's feet. Would never end up the punchline to one of their disgusting egotistical stories of how "some girl is just chasing me around and won't leave me alone, she's so desperate."

I never gave it much thought. I just thought that I was a strong woman that didn't take crap from any guy 'cuz I know what guys are like. This is what has made me, up until now, walk a fine line between showing my heart and guarding my affections. Never show a man that you like him too much, because then he knows that he has you and once that occurs, you lose your power and run the risk of being emotionally manipulated or cast aside as something already caught.

Due to this, I can honestly say that I have never chased a guy. Ever. Never once. Never went after the guy I had a crush on in high school, but instead dated the guys that were friends of mine who eventually told me they liked me. I was too nervous, shy, and insecure to actually go up and tell any guy that I liked them. I settled for the safety of people that liked me, rather than having the courage to face rejection and feel vulnerable. This carried into college and beyond. The relationships would be fine and would eventually run their course, albeit not without some huge process. Looking back I can see this, however, at the time, I had no idea that I was actively participating in hurting others. While I never did anything to betray the relationships, they certainly weren't relationships built on shall we say an equal attraction. But this served my purpose, because I was able to protect my emotional investment and ultimately was ok when the break-up occurred. I was always able to move on because for me, the cost was not that great. It's easy to appear strong and pick up and carry on when you haven't left that much of you behind.

But I don't think this is going to work for me anymore, however, if not then what is left? Am I left to be what I hate, like one of those women that I've seen ridiculed? Is it weakness to allow yourself to become vulnerable and risk opening yourself up to someone, or does it show real strength?

Even as I'm typing this, I can't swallow it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to conquer this notion that I have. Every time I think about it, I picture some poor woman sniveling in a corner all weak and pathetic. I know my friend would say that this is just the feminist coming out, but I don't think I can use that excuse anymore, it's something more than that for me. It's something that I've been shown I need to change and want to, but how?

How do I re-program myself to view love as something other than a power struggle? And if I give up that power, what becomes of me then? What do I turn into? How do I open myself up and be vulnerable, yet still able to protect my very sensitive side and make sure I'm respected?

Intentions

Why do individuals say one thing and then do another? What is up with mixed messages?? Do you know why people say that relations between men and women are complicated, because they make them so. It's not difficult to mean what you say and say what you mean. It's basic communication!

Why spend hours of time in serious conversation and then act in a completely different manner than that of which conversed? Why complain about something and then embrace the very thing you were complaining about? It's completely unfathomable to me. I mean what makes this occur...is it weakness or lonliness or boredom or fear? Why do people complain about events, relationships, issues in their life, etc. and then act in a manner that creates those things they were orginally complaining about? Do they crave drama? Do they need the attention?

I mean seriously let the EGO go...the world will offer thanks and so will the people around you that listen to it.

Insomnia, My Wretched Friend

I am filled with agitation. What's more annoying is that I can't seem to pinpoint precisely what I'm agitated about. Me...I know that for sure, but what part of me this time? What part of me this time is keeping me awake? What insight do I have to comprehend before my mind will let me rest?

My mind has been pushing around all these preconceived notions, just waiting for transcendence. As soon as I tackle one issue, another one appears in a few days to take it's place. These thoughts leave me so confused that it's difficult to even write this post...unsure of what I'm actually needing to understand, decipher, or learn. I feel so mixed up, my thoughts are like cockroaches scurrying around. I can hear them, but every time I turn on the light to try and catch them they run back to their hiding places. I didn't actually think this whole self actualization thing was going to be so um...difficult, annoying, frustrating, taxing, work?

(I'm laughing at myself now)

I think I'm ready to come to the realization that I am indeed a hot mess! Never really thought I was before, so it's coming as a bit of a shock. (Insert another giggle) My ego has apparently been working overtime and has led me to believe that I actually had most everything together. And I played the part really convincingly. But I'm not. I am a hot mess. Let's look at the evidence shall we?

Exhibit A- I think I've been allowing myself to keep running from the career I want to have because I'm afraid of the following: being one of those people that should of given up along time ago and have now become the butt of all artists' jokes; failing miserably at it; becoming conventional with a conventional job after said failing; regrets and the possibility of rejection...What if I really do suck? Then what? Am I getting too old to start over? There's so many things I'm interested in...how do I know which one is the right one?

Exhibit B- Allowing insecurities about Exhibit A to roll over into other aspects of my life and affect my self-esteem. What do I really have to offer? How intelligent am I really? Why can't I be like other people? Why can't I figure out my life like other people seem to figure out theirs? Why do I have to be different? Am I really different or am I fooling myself? Am I really unique and talented? These fears are crippling...I've sold myself short. I've stopped pushing myself. I've stopped growing. I've stopped reaching. For some reason I stopped believing in myself. When did that happen?

Exhibit C- This increase in Exhibit B has lead to looking outside myself for approval. Which in turn has created instability within me and has created a lack of trust in my own judgements. This lack of trust has caused me to give chances when not warranted, make unwise decisions, and created constant internal turmoil which enables my mind to pummel me with its hailstorm of unanswered and re-answered questions, comments, scrutiny, and self analyzation. Forget the fork in the road...I am maneuvering the largest round-a-bout ever built. Frost couldn't even conceive my multitude of unmapped roads.

When I lay it out in these terms it all appears very scientific- like causality in physics. Hmmm...physics wasn't one of my strongest subjects if I remember correctly...guess I shoulda paid more attention in class.

Mind Control

Ok, it's official. I officially suck at meditating. Every morning I wake before dawn and drag myself out of bed hoping that this time it will be different. I set my timer for the half hour time increment required by beginning students, snuggle into a blanket, close my eyes, and start meditation.

After the first few breaths, I'm already being bombarded with thoughts. How can my mind possibly be awake at this hour? WTF!!!! My mind controls me, I am at its beck and call. Let's think about career choices right now? OK. How about reliving the euthanasia of your beloved Chase? Yeah lets replay that in your head right now so that you can question it's necessity and your decision once again, and I'll slow-mo that instant he looked up right before he died..that always gets ya. NO...I got it...let's go on a trip into the future...sure to be a crowd pleaser...guaranteed.

My mind is at war with me. I don't know what I did to piss it off, but it's not happy. It's behaving like a desperate lover-bringing up things to push my buttons. Smothering any chance I had of my inner peace becoming a reality.

"What do you want?" I ask. Can't you see that I'm trying to focus? Can't you see that the path you are taking me is not somewhere I need to go? "We're supposed to be on the same team!" I state defiantly. But apparently my mind stopped listening to me a long time ago.

The timer chimes ending my session, my mind smirks at me from the corner...good thing I don't intimidate easily.

Questions on Love's Validity

Do people actually find love, or do they just get tired of looking? Why is it that so many marriages end up in divorce? Is it that someone eventually wakes up refreshed and decides to start looking again...or is it that the shimmery veil of intrigue wears off as conversation and laughter becomes less and less replaced by the daily grind, unflattering pj's, and resentment.

How is it that two people can take the plunge to become life partners and end up strangers? Where does the affection go? How does the breakdown happen? What causes the rifts that eventually turn into canyons? Why are people so intent on having a beautiful wedding and less intent on having a beautiful marriage?

How does my life fit in all of this? Why did my mom feel the need to make a statement about how glad she was that I didn't feel the need to settle when I ended the relationship I had been in for the past 4 years? Why do people think it odd that we didn't get married after being together so long? Why is it that when a women reaches my age she is looked at differently than men in the same age bracket? I don't feel like my options are becoming less and less as I get older...are they? Am I brazeningly laughing my "window of opportunity" in the face? Will my view of what's available scare me into settling as I get older instead of waiting for whatever is holding me back to materialize?

What if I never feel this whatever I think I should feel? What if I pass up perfectly sound partners because it falls short of spectacular? Is this preconceived notion of what my love should cause me to feel real? Or is it just a fabrication created while watching Disney movies as a little girl? I don't believe I have a white knight fixation, maybe just a cool dude on a steed, but who knows? Would I pass up the white knight because he didn't cause me to swoon at first glance?

And how do people find their life partner? Is it really just trial and error? Or is it more mathematical than that? Date x amount of people, guaranteed y amount of good ones, take the ratio, create a matrix, map the data, and presto you have your love coordinates....sigh.

Love without passion is merely a question of net worth and compatibility. I'm not willing to settle just to have a house, an incredible 401K, and an SUV. While I do fight the voice of convention, I just can't seem to gamble my heart on anything less than what I'm hoping to find.

First Day

"How will I know if I'm doing it correctly?"
"Don't worry, just think of divine light entering your heart, the rest you will learn as you go," my prefect says.
"Let's begin meditation."

I close my eyes, and begin to focus. "Think about divine light," I say to myself, but don't think too hard I immediately retort. I begin to picture what I think would be divine, and stop myself short. "Don't focus on picturing or images, focus lightly on just the thought." I am now having an arguement with myself...in my head...and probably in my prefect's as well.

I take a breath and try to relax, try to open myself up, try to let go. My breathing becomes deeper, and I'm attempting in vain to try and silence the racing thoughts and scenes that are shooting past my eyelids at rapid fire pace. "Divine light is entering my heart, just be open to this feeling," I remind myself.

Then I begin to feel something tingly making it's way slowly up my spine, and exit through my back. I feel as though I've been pulled into a vortex. At this moment a sudden pressure starts to form in the very center of my chest. Pressure that builds rapidly and is exanding like foam insulation. I'm aware that my breathing becomes faster and my pulse starts to quicken. I keep my eyes shut by force of will as panic starts to overtake my mind. "What is this, what's happening!" I ask myself as I feel this pressure start to claw it's way through my body. "This is too much! I'm not ready for this, I can't cry in front of a total stranger!" My whole body chose flight and is screaming now, "OPEN YOUR EYES, STOP THE SESSION!!"

I do neither. I sit. I stay. I wait. I breathe. I confront. I submit. I cry. The storm ends the instant my eyes flood with tears. I let them run down my face and drip onto the blanket in my lap. The swell of emotion that was unbearable a second ago, has already faded into nothingness. But I am still reeling in its wake.

The rest of the session goes by in a blur, with me desperately trying to focus again on divine light, but unable to fully let go of what just occurred.

"That's enough for today," my prefect states calmly from her seated position.

I open my eyes, feeling lighter than when I came, never knowing the difference before today.