Insomnia, My Wretched Friend

I am filled with agitation. What's more annoying is that I can't seem to pinpoint precisely what I'm agitated about. Me...I know that for sure, but what part of me this time? What part of me this time is keeping me awake? What insight do I have to comprehend before my mind will let me rest?

My mind has been pushing around all these preconceived notions, just waiting for transcendence. As soon as I tackle one issue, another one appears in a few days to take it's place. These thoughts leave me so confused that it's difficult to even write this post...unsure of what I'm actually needing to understand, decipher, or learn. I feel so mixed up, my thoughts are like cockroaches scurrying around. I can hear them, but every time I turn on the light to try and catch them they run back to their hiding places. I didn't actually think this whole self actualization thing was going to be so um...difficult, annoying, frustrating, taxing, work?

(I'm laughing at myself now)

I think I'm ready to come to the realization that I am indeed a hot mess! Never really thought I was before, so it's coming as a bit of a shock. (Insert another giggle) My ego has apparently been working overtime and has led me to believe that I actually had most everything together. And I played the part really convincingly. But I'm not. I am a hot mess. Let's look at the evidence shall we?

Exhibit A- I think I've been allowing myself to keep running from the career I want to have because I'm afraid of the following: being one of those people that should of given up along time ago and have now become the butt of all artists' jokes; failing miserably at it; becoming conventional with a conventional job after said failing; regrets and the possibility of rejection...What if I really do suck? Then what? Am I getting too old to start over? There's so many things I'm interested in...how do I know which one is the right one?

Exhibit B- Allowing insecurities about Exhibit A to roll over into other aspects of my life and affect my self-esteem. What do I really have to offer? How intelligent am I really? Why can't I be like other people? Why can't I figure out my life like other people seem to figure out theirs? Why do I have to be different? Am I really different or am I fooling myself? Am I really unique and talented? These fears are crippling...I've sold myself short. I've stopped pushing myself. I've stopped growing. I've stopped reaching. For some reason I stopped believing in myself. When did that happen?

Exhibit C- This increase in Exhibit B has lead to looking outside myself for approval. Which in turn has created instability within me and has created a lack of trust in my own judgements. This lack of trust has caused me to give chances when not warranted, make unwise decisions, and created constant internal turmoil which enables my mind to pummel me with its hailstorm of unanswered and re-answered questions, comments, scrutiny, and self analyzation. Forget the fork in the road...I am maneuvering the largest round-a-bout ever built. Frost couldn't even conceive my multitude of unmapped roads.

When I lay it out in these terms it all appears very scientific- like causality in physics. Hmmm...physics wasn't one of my strongest subjects if I remember correctly...guess I shoulda paid more attention in class.