Love and Vulnerability

I have a thing about appearing weak. In relationships with the opposite sex, this comes across as toughness and righteous indignation if for some reason something transpires that I do not approve of. I have been used to quickly correcting the offense with whatever power woman speech I felt necessary to give at the time and will continue until I get the apology that I think I deserve, which always came quickly. This is how I thought I should garner respect from men, in fact this is what I thought needed to occur in order for men to respect you- this and making sure I could keep up with them on and off the court in all things stereotypically male.

Growing up as a tomboy, I learned that if you didn't assert and stand up for yourself that a man would take this as a sign of weakness and would then take advantage of the situation and eventually would mop his floor with your affections. I saw this happen time and time again with my friends. The girls eventually being the butt end of jokes said between men as they laugh talking about their conquests. I decided then that I would never end up some poor little girl with an unrequited crush. Would never end up as dirt under some guy's feet. Would never end up the punchline to one of their disgusting egotistical stories of how "some girl is just chasing me around and won't leave me alone, she's so desperate."

I never gave it much thought. I just thought that I was a strong woman that didn't take crap from any guy 'cuz I know what guys are like. This is what has made me, up until now, walk a fine line between showing my heart and guarding my affections. Never show a man that you like him too much, because then he knows that he has you and once that occurs, you lose your power and run the risk of being emotionally manipulated or cast aside as something already caught.

Due to this, I can honestly say that I have never chased a guy. Ever. Never once. Never went after the guy I had a crush on in high school, but instead dated the guys that were friends of mine who eventually told me they liked me. I was too nervous, shy, and insecure to actually go up and tell any guy that I liked them. I settled for the safety of people that liked me, rather than having the courage to face rejection and feel vulnerable. This carried into college and beyond. The relationships would be fine and would eventually run their course, albeit not without some huge process. Looking back I can see this, however, at the time, I had no idea that I was actively participating in hurting others. While I never did anything to betray the relationships, they certainly weren't relationships built on shall we say an equal attraction. But this served my purpose, because I was able to protect my emotional investment and ultimately was ok when the break-up occurred. I was always able to move on because for me, the cost was not that great. It's easy to appear strong and pick up and carry on when you haven't left that much of you behind.

But I don't think this is going to work for me anymore, however, if not then what is left? Am I left to be what I hate, like one of those women that I've seen ridiculed? Is it weakness to allow yourself to become vulnerable and risk opening yourself up to someone, or does it show real strength?

Even as I'm typing this, I can't swallow it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to conquer this notion that I have. Every time I think about it, I picture some poor woman sniveling in a corner all weak and pathetic. I know my friend would say that this is just the feminist coming out, but I don't think I can use that excuse anymore, it's something more than that for me. It's something that I've been shown I need to change and want to, but how?

How do I re-program myself to view love as something other than a power struggle? And if I give up that power, what becomes of me then? What do I turn into? How do I open myself up and be vulnerable, yet still able to protect my very sensitive side and make sure I'm respected?