Ok, it's official. I officially suck at meditating. Every morning I wake before dawn and drag myself out of bed hoping that this time it will be different. I set my timer for the half hour time increment required by beginning students, snuggle into a blanket, close my eyes, and start meditation.
After the first few breaths, I'm already being bombarded with thoughts. How can my mind possibly be awake at this hour? WTF!!!! My mind controls me, I am at its beck and call. Let's think about career choices right now? OK. How about reliving the euthanasia of your beloved Chase? Yeah lets replay that in your head right now so that you can question it's necessity and your decision once again, and I'll slow-mo that instant he looked up right before he died..that always gets ya. NO...I got it...let's go on a trip into the future...sure to be a crowd pleaser...guaranteed.
My mind is at war with me. I don't know what I did to piss it off, but it's not happy. It's behaving like a desperate lover-bringing up things to push my buttons. Smothering any chance I had of my inner peace becoming a reality.
"What do you want?" I ask. Can't you see that I'm trying to focus? Can't you see that the path you are taking me is not somewhere I need to go? "We're supposed to be on the same team!" I state defiantly. But apparently my mind stopped listening to me a long time ago.
The timer chimes ending my session, my mind smirks at me from the corner...good thing I don't intimidate easily.
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My dear Lala, isnt that whats supposed to happen? The 30 mintues is a ridiculous goal by the way. Just keep meditating until the thoughts subside, work through them but don't try to answer them This is your subconcious letting you know you have unsolved issues, pending documents. Once you realize them, then you can relax and get back to the task at hand. Try not to get frustrated, just try to find a peace, something you can reflect on to concentrate on until you get to your place.
ReplyDeleteI have faith in you Lala, you are a bright star over a dark world.
I hope to talk to you soon and hear all about your last few days.
Love and adoration,
BB