Insomnia Round Two

Incompatibility.  When it comes to relationships...how much is too much?  I've always felt that incompatibility is one of the warning signs that goes un-heeded.  If the person you are with is "the one" then why would there be incompatibilities or issues?  Discourse I understand, little disagreements, to be expected.  But incompatibilities?  Do they belong, or more to the point, are they found in healthy, normal relationships?  Just as important...Do I carry some misconceptions of what love is, how it works?  Is my viewpoint of love based on idealistic child-like notions?

I admit I do not know.  Not because I haven't had issues of contention in my relationships, but because I haven't really had a healthy relationship.  How sad is that?  I'm 33 and my only healthy example of what a relationship could be was over before it really had a chance to get off the ground.  And all around most of what I see are relationships in varying degrees of dysfunction, chock full of incompatibilities, issues, problems.  Do they stem from not heeding the caution light as they drove by in their love mobile?  What is the cause and effect?  Do these couples have such issues in their marriages/relationships because they didn't recognize the non-congruency of their partners? 

I mean for me and my past, I would say that I definitely blew-off the warnings.  And why did I do that?  Was is love, or just the idea of it?  There were warnings signs as loud as sirens, and I chose to ignore.  The end result was divorce, pain, and very unfulfilled relationships that have left me with my share of baggage to claim, not the least of which being fear.  Fear that I wouldn't heed warning signs now and make a wrong choice...again.  Unfortunately now it appears that those warning signs, so clear before, are now clouded with this very tangible fear.  How do I discern between what is real and what is fear motivated?  How can I tell if the warning sign that is flashing is legit and not just based out of fear of duplicating the same mistakes?

And how does incompatibility fit in this thing called love?  I'm sure it is infantile to think that the one you're supposed to be with would be completely compatible with you, yet somehow that is in my brain.  Somehow through all the experiences I've had it's been programmed that incompatibility = wrong choice.  Am I really fit to be in a relationship?

And what of love as a choice?  Many people have mentioned this viewpoint of love.  I must admit that I've never shared this opinion, and it's still difficult for me to comprehend.  I've always felt that love is a feeling, an overwhelming feeling/response for another human being with no earthly explanation.  Loving someone isn't a choice one gets to make, however you can choose whether or not to be with that person based on intellectual findings.   The actual act of falling in love and being married is not so much a choice but rather something that occurs that you just can't do without.  Is this a naive view of love?
 
To be honest, the people that I've heard speak of it as a choice are all Christian, which leaves me wondering if that has something to do with it.  Or are these individuals more mature in these matters than I, or do I simply have an unrealistic ideal of what love truly is?  If this turns out to be true, what a sad day indeed.  My whole world would be turned topsy-turvy, and I would have to somehow come to an understanding in my mind that the ideas surrounding love, marriage, etc were all based in fantasy, in fairytale.  Ugh, difficult to grasp, but nevertheless important to discern.  I mean is love really just about picking someone that you're the most compatible with and then that's it?  Is there really nothing cosmic/spiritual about it?  Depressing for me to think of love in these terms, but should probably spend some time in contemplation.

And if  incompatibility exists in a healthy, normal relationship...how do you know when you've found the right one?  How do you come to some sort of working framework for these issues?  Is this what makes so many marriages mediocre?  Or have people picked the wrong person to marry, thus resulting in a mediocre marriage?  For me when something comes up that seems insurmountable or a point of serious contention, it takes all my will power not to just shut down completely and run for the hills.  The fear of making the same mistake is so powerful that it could inhibit any chance of rational thinking. 

And how is it that you can think someone is the one for you, but then have issues?  How can the one for you be a person that you have issues with?  How can you be so in love with someone one minute and the next you're worrying about whether or not the issue just unveiled is a warning sign you should heed?  How can you tell? 

How can you tell when you've loved before and it's gone so terribly wrong?  How can you trust love?  How can you trust that feeling when that feeling has lead you down some terribly rough and bumpy roads with detours so confusing you didn't think you'd ever make it out?  And now that I am out...am I what some refer to as damaged goods?  I didn't quite understand that concept when it was said to me 6 years ago, however, it feels more true than ever now.  Am I, after all the time, effort, and pain that I've walked through to deal with my divorce and understand the whys behind my decisions; am I still just damaged goods?  Have I really just followed the detour signs and made a complete circle, ending back where I started?  

It feels that way.

And if that is the case, then what of a mate?  What could I possibly offer a potential mate, except deep seated insecurity and uncertainty that I'm making the right decision.  Why put anyone through that?  Would it be better to protect others from myself?  Perhaps that would be the wise thing to do in this situation. 

Would anyone be the right decision if in my current way of thinking, the right person wouldn't be incompatible in anyway.  Doesn't sound plausible to me, after all, we are human.  Yet, if that is the case, then why do I fight against that logic?  Is my thinking really unrealistic?  And if it is, which I'm thinking that it probably is, then where do you draw the line?  Where is the incompatibility limit?  How can you be sure the person you think you're in love with is the person God intended you to be with?  How can you be sure you're not just trying to make it work out of your feelings of love for one another?  And here's the kicker...how can you be all-in, buying little gifts, planning life, excited about visits, contemplating uprooting your life-and then suddenly doubting everything?  Is fear really that powerful?  Is it really that powerful with nothing tangible behind it?

I know this is where people will say, trust.  Ask for guidance.  I am asking.  My issue with this is, how can I trust that what I think is the right course, what God intends and not me/human trying to make it work?  How can I trust, when I thought I was right before?  The little voice inside my head is now saying, "Yes you thought you were right, but you never asked.  You never took a meeting with God about these things before...never gave God a memo."  Very true, but how can I trust that what I think is of God is really of God?

How can love and fear exist is the same space?  How can one be just as powerful as the other so as to confuse and cloud reason and judgement; so as to completely unravel and knock your sense of stability and rightness completely off its feet?  How can you feel so right and sure and then so wrong and uncertain, all within the same 24-hour period?   Ugh, fear and doubt are evil things indeed. 

Can a conversation and fear do this or am I just this screwed up?  If it is the latter, if I really am just this screwed up, as horrible as that truth would be, as heart rendering as it would be to leave...I would.  I would do it to spare the one I love any pain, hurt, damage, that I would inflict.  I would go in the hopes that he would find a mate less damaged and more compatible/functional than I.  I don't like the idea of me being irreversibly screwed up, but nevertheless need to open myself up to this possibility.  Life contains causality.  There are ramifications or consequences for previous decisions.  Who am I to make another person suffer because of my disobedient choices?

My heart is heavy with this knowledge and what it may mean.  My soul hurts every time I contemplate the possibility of non-we.  But I would, I would do it for him.  Surely that must be love.  UGH...this thought process is so tiring and bewildering.

I HATE THIS BATTLE...HATE THAT THIS ISSUE HAUNTS ME.