Everything But

In my previous postings about marriage and such I have written that I feel that couples, while speaking vows, still in the back of their mind have a stopping point, or a no tresspassing point.  Like they agree to everything, but with an exception, a but clause.  I wrote how dissappointed I was that it seems that I was surrounded by this kind of example of marriage, and how I didn't want that kind of marriage/relationship if I were to have one.

What I didn't realize is how much I thought like this.  How much I put up a barrier, wall, "deal breaker."  I would look at a person and think well yes he is good in all these ways, but what about this?  Look at what he did or didn't do in this situation, look how he treated or responded in this circumstance.  After carefully analyzing the event, I would then procede accordingly.  Either ending the relationship, or chastising the behavior.  In these cases I felt completely and totally justified.  Felt that the "he" that I happened to be with at the time had let me down, wasn't strong enough to be with me, or just wasn't the right person for me, etc.  I felt relief that I had found and figured this out before too much time had gone by, like I was just looking for the reason, the incident that would seal the fate of our relationship.  Looking back, I see now why I was doing this....fear is a very powerful motivator.

Out of fear of the unknown.  Out of fear of ending up like my previous marriage.  Out of fear or being hurt, let down, or waking up one day only to realize I chose wrongly again.  Out of fear I decided that once I found out some little way in which "he" didn't measure to my standards it meant that he wasn't the right guy for me.  It meant that I wasn't supposed to be with him, that I couldn't trust our relationship, that he was taking me for granted, and that he had to fix these inequities on his own.  I was so afraid to step in and help for fear that our relationship would turn into me doing everything, while he just went along for the ride.  I was also afraid that it meant that he didn't care enough about us to conquor and wasn't strong enough on his own, that he wasn't whole, that he wasn't capable.  Didn't realize until this morning that this had become my "everything but."

Didn't realize that this message was playing in my head...yes of course I'll love you, yes of course I'll do nice things for you, fold your laundry, cook you dinner....little things that didn't require much of me, didn't fall into my expectation categories.  I'll be more than happy to do these things for you hun...but don't ask me to do that.   Don't ask me to pull you out of your funk, don't ask me to sort out your life stuff, don't lean on me, don't ask me to work on things that you've been putting off...don't ask me for help in things that I believe you should do on own.  I'll do anything else...everything....but that.

Because that for me triggers all kinds of questions and insecurities.  That for me makes me think that this realtionship will not survive.  That for me makes me think that you are incapable of structuring and running your life and that I will become your mother, for lack of a better term.  That for me fills me with fears of duplicating my past.  And that fear makes me want to run.  That fear makes me want to pack it in and part with whatever dignity I have left.  That fear makes me question my choice of mate yet again and brings everyting into question.  Did God choose this or am I just making this relationship work in my mind, when it's not what God intended? Why would God want this for me?

So I prayed.  I prayed for direction, guidance, trust.  I prayed that God would take these fears away and would show me what I needed to see, would help me be the wife I needed to be.  Would settle my mind and calm this storm inside my head.  I prayed and prayed...and this morning God answered.  I was sitting in my car driving to church this morning and he began his answer...starting with, if the tables were reversed my mate would help in whatever way he could.  Dawn began a faint ascent in my mind.

Then I got to church and during the message that pastor talked about why we help one another as Christians.  The first being gratitude/thankfulness to God for all the ways in which He has blessed our lives.  The second reason was obedience.  It was during this explanation that the pastor quoted Deuteronomy 22:4 "If you see your neighbor's ox or donkey lying on the road, do not look the other way.  Go and help your neighbor get it to its feet!" And Provers 3:27 and 14:21a, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help.  It's criminal to ignore a neighbor in need..."  It was during this time in the service that I chuckled out loud, looked up to the ceiling and said,"Ok, God, got it."  Especially since I had just gotten off the phone with my mate who had just referred to himself as a donkey in a ditch.

Who more deserving that my mate?  Who more deserving of help than the person that God has choosen for me?  How could I desire to be a godly wife, yet have a deal breaker?  The two are incompatible with each other.  One cannot be a godly wife or have a union like the one God intended between a husband and a wife if an "everything but" existed in my mind.  In a godly marriage, there is no "everything but," instead it's God how can I serve?  How can I love more, be more, live more in your light.  How can I be the wife you've intended me to be?  Help me be more for the mate you have chosen than I could ever be on my own.

One the back of our bills it states, "In God We Trust."  Never really paused to give that statement much thought.  However, the words are weighty and when considered in this realm, don't leave much to interpretation.  It's simple really...In God Will I Trust.  Will I trust that this is the man especially created for me?  Will I trust that God will not let occur what has happened in my past.  Will I give up control of any outcome and trust God's plan, whatever that may be, however or whenever it is revealed to me?

In this there are no shades of grey, it's black and white.  Will I or will I not?  It's the choice that God always asks us to make.  The point where free will comes into play.  He unveils some kernel of truth and then sits back to watch which path we'll take.

Time to get my donkey out of his ditch...