Truth Serum III

So, back to the whole excellence thing. As I stated previously, in this concept of excellence is separation. A separation that allowed me to pull back from people. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, this thought of society not ostracizing me, but in fact, me as one who ostracizes. My mind just came up with a quote from the Brat Pack classic Pretty in Pink: "If you put out signals that you don't want to belong, people are going to make sure that you don't." And I did. Sure it was built out of need. The need to protect myself from others. The desire to not feel rejected, hurt, used, abused. Growing up, I'd experienced this through my family and friends, either personally or by association. I just never realized how much of an impact it had. How much of my "excellence" was crafted so that I could keep people at arm's length. So that there would always be a separation. So that the risk of being hurt, etc. by others would become a non-issue.

Of course, this would only last so long.  Afterall, we are designed for community, and try as I may as stubborn as I am, I too would begin to feel the need for deeper companionship. And so, I'd crack. I'd climb back down my mountain, and give the guy friend that said he liked me a chance.  Afterall, we were friends, don't all great relationships hinge on friendship?  It's interesting to note that the major relationships I've been in, not including Jon (Jon was the impetus of this realization), had this in common. My ex's, all three of them, thought the same way about me.  They all thought I was amazing, wonderful, intelligent, talented, and exceptional.  They all thought themselves to be less...less intelligent, less talented, less confident, less able, less determined in life, and each one of the told me that I make them want to be a better man.  And in my lack of experience I took this as a challenge and a compliment.  I would help them.  Help them be more than they thought they could be!  This of course suited me to the tee- I got to be teacher, they the all to willing students. 

And to my chagrin, I used this.  I used this to distract myself from my own life, what I needed to work on.  I was too busy teaching.  Too busy teaching him to notice that it was me that needed to be taught.  Too busy fixing the "messes" of his life to realize I myself was messed up.  Me, messed up, how absurd!  I was exceptional! I couldn't possibly be a mess, I was above all that trivial humaness.  He was the one that was messed up.  He was the one that was average.  He was the one that I chose to bring up to my lofty perch.  My project so to speak. 

Then to add insult to injury, I would become annoyed, frustrated, demanding, even irate, when these poor souls would invariably not live up to my expectations.  Expectations of excellence that I'd fostered, watered, and tried to grow in them.  Grow in them so that we could be "exceptional" together.  And when that realization hit, when I'd come to rock bottom with them, I would pack their bags and send them back down the mountain from whence they came.  Back down to squalor, in the valley of average, not even realizing that I was partly to blame.  That my own mess had created this joined mess.  And this was my standard operating procedure because it was safe. Safe for me, because in the end, when it didn't work out I walked away hurt...hurt, but not annihilated.  Truth is truth, but oh how far does this rabbit hole go??  How cruel I have been, how twisted, but yet there's an innocent ignorance in it, I'd guess it's referred to as naivete 

Innocence, because I was truthfully never aware that this was what I was doing.  Lacking leadership and knowledge of how relationships between men and women flow, and given my experiences growing up, I chose what I thought was right.  Chose to be with men that didn't give me the butterflies, didn't necessarily make me swoon on first meeting.  I chose this because it was understood at an early age, that if you did choose to go with those kinds of feelings, when it didn't work out, the aftermath would be so intense, the rejection, the pain, the loss of identity.

I was self-protecting...how average of me.  Better to have control over your emotions.  Better to be the one left standing, than the one needing help up off the ground.  Better to not be Lloyd Dobler holding your boombox over your head desperately hoping your love will hear it and come back. 

I didn't know how to be vulnerable.  Didn't know I was also messed up.  Didn't know I hadn't averted the original design.  Didn't know that I was like everyone else...average in all the ways that every human is average.

Didn't know until Jon, didn't completely understand until now...