Truth Serum

Sadness pervades every fiber of my being.  So many things feel insurmountable today.  I am at a loss.  I am not good enough, strong enough, wise enough.  I cannot hold everything, support everything, I AM FAILING.  Failing my brother, my sister-in-law, TJ, Jordyn, friends, loved ones, myself.  I am at a loss for what to say, what to do, how to help.  I'm a skyscraper in a city of chaos.  All around me things are crumbling, falling apart, coming undone.  Yet, here I stand trying to stay upright while my foundation is starting to show cracks.  Tiny fissures of helplessness and doubt are starting to run across the ceilings in every room, on every floor.  The fuses are blowing and I'm unable to keep the lights on.  Rooms are starting to go dark.  How can I change the reflection in my mirrored facade.  How can I make them see?

Oh God, is this the lesson you are trying to teach me?  I realize that I've been struggling to come to terms with this in my brain.  Wasn't truly aware of this until this moment, right now, funny how I just prayed about this last night...be prepared to get what you ask for. The lesson is this...I will fail, no it's bigger than that...WE will fail....nope bigger than that even....HUMANITY will always fail.  Yet even as I write this, as I type this my inner thought process is denouncing this as true.  Is that pride?  Pride that doesn't want to admit to this failing of humanity.  Pride that I cannot do things on my own.  Pride and yet again my overabundant supply of independence.... 

UGH...Is this really true??  Yet even as I question the validity of this theory, I know it to be true.  I feel  it to be true.  Feel it in my innermost being and it saddens me.  Saddens not my mind or soul, but my ego.  It's my ego that makes me feel dejected.  My ego that is making me feel less than right now.  Yet even as I know this intellectually, it doesn't lighten the darkness.

However, I cannot go back.  I cannot let myself rationalize this truth away, even though it currently fills me with such overwhelming heaviness, sadness, and turmoil.  I have to allow this new concept/theory/idea/truth to marinate until I am well with it.  I have to sit, I have to wait.

The truth is thus:

I WILL FAIL, I CANNOT DO THINGS ON MY OWN, MY WILL IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH

I do not like this design feature right now.  I DO NOT.  This is hard for me to swallow.

See but that's the thing.  That's what society is always trying to tell us.  This lie.  This complete fantasy.  This utter foolishness, that "we" hold the answers.  That "we" have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc.  That "we" do it alone.  Yes, there is a point that we do have to make decisions, that the choice is in our hands.  But look at the track record.  If we, meaning humanity, truthfully do have all the power we need to change, create,  and help ourselves then why haven't "we" done anything about?  What are we waiting for?   Is it lack of desire...certainly not.  Is it lack of resources; we are more advantaged and have more resources at our fingertips than ever before. 

Therefore the only conclusion that can be drawn is that we aren't the answer.  We do not hold the absolute power in our lives to effect lasting change.  I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember!  In fact, have told many people that we do have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc., that limits are self-created.  While I still believe that we have responsibility and hold some power to inact change, I'm beginning to understand our limits, my limits. and that is humbling.  Humbling and scary, yet freeing in other ways...summed up in one very simple statement:

I am human, I have limits...God is infinite, I am not.