It's painful still. The past two days have seemed so lonely, so dark. I keep thinking that it will pass, as I wipe away my tears; cling to the knowledge that this can't last forever. And yet, in the back of my mind, I'm unsure. The memories that are coming back are so sharp, so tangible. I'm left yet again, with a vision of myself like a child stomping my feet and yelling "IT'S NOT FAIR!" at the top of my lungs. Am I really still in this place??? Have I really not gotten any further along this road?? All this pain I've allowed myself to experience. All the times I've allowed myself to just break down and cry...the grocery store, bicycling, walking around town...all this has been done in vain? Will this ever end? Will I ever not feel like something is missing? Will I ever not feel cheated, denied, punished?
Last night the moon was out. So brilliant, beautifully serene floating amongst the clouds. I wondered if you could see it? If you could see the stars that night. I'm alone even though I'm surrounded by others. How I long for your presence. How I yearn for the connection we had. It's hard to go through every day knowing that my days would've been so different with you in my life. And I'm the one left here. Left here to fight, to struggle, to survive. Tonight it just doesn't seem just. Why was it your time? Why not mine? Or why not ours? Or why not either of us? I don't understand.
The past couple of days I've been losing the war. I'm apologize if I'm letting you down, but it seems that my army is surrounded. I've got no ammo left and I just threw my last grenade. Hope and faith is all I have left. I'm hoping this will pass, and I desperately cling to the belief that someday this will all make sense. This will all have been for a purpose, a reason. I guess I'll just dig a hole and wait for reinforcements. Hope they don't screw up the coordinates and lose me, or worse destroy me...
I miss you daily, hourly, deeply, painfully...tearfully.
L
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