What Comes After "I Do"

Tonight I became aware of something that I thought I've already dealt with. I was sitting with a friend exchanging thoughts about life and suddenly it slapped me across the face. This fear that I didn't think was an issue anymore. This fear that I thought I had put to bed. This fear of marriage and lifelong commitment.

It's easy to see why I would fear it. I'm surrounded by marriages in different states of chaos and dysfunction, not to mention my own encounter with it, so it's understandable that I would be wary of sharing my life with someone in matrimony. It's scary to witness and even scarier to think that none of this was evident when the words "I DO" were shared. When these people promised to love and cherish each other for eternity they didn't know what they were entering into. The issues didn't come up until after they were married. After they walked the isle, changed names and now they were stuck. I was stuck. Stuck in a marriage more terrifying and unfulfilling than being alone. And here's the real question, if they knew then what they know now, would they still get married?

I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I've lived it. The constant arguing both with your partner and yourself. The loss of self respect, dignity, pride. The loss of love, hope, dreams. Deep feelings of sorrow, regret, anger, resentment...I've had them all. I've had them all and have worked diligently to overcome them. Would I ever want to risk putting myself in a situation where the same things could happen again?

With Jon, everything felt different, right, smooth. Everything felt grounded, supported by each other like a solid foundation supports a house. I had a visualization in my head of what our marriage would look like. It would not be ordinary. It would not be nights of lack luster conversations or tension filled meals at the dinner table. It would not be built on hiding truths or fear of exposing issues. It would have been filled with joy, respect, laughter, and partnership. A deep understanding of one another and a willingness to work together in order to make our marriage stronger.

There seems to be an epidemic in this country. An epidemic so contagious that it seems to be multiplying more rapidly each day. There seems to be a shortage of people willing to die. By dying I don't mean death, I mean surrender. While people take vows of love, honor, and respect when they marry, it seems that somewhere along the line these vows get forgotten. Somehow barriers are constructed whereby husbands and wives vow they will do anything for their mate...anything but "that." This lack of selflessness is the virus that is being spread in our society. It's not always verbalized, this silent deal breaker, but if you look hard enough you can find it. It's hiding among the arguments and petty disagreements. The inability to see the other person's viewpoint. The tone that is used. It's found in the choices that couples make and the way in which they keep track of things to make sure that everything is equal. Selflessness is an attribute that is so necessary for a successful marriage. Without it, individuals are always striving for what is best for him/herself. The need to put oneself first will supersede the partner. Even if it appears that they are doing something for their partner, there will be an agenda behind the action.

Is this what marriage becomes? A power struggle to see who gives up the least? A partnership more incongruous than business partners yet somehow existing and living under the same roof? How did a unity so sacred that it serves as an example of the unison of Father and Son evolve into this? How did it go astray?

To have a successful marriage you must have the desire to do anything in order to improve the marriage! Possess the ability to die to yourself so that there can become a stronger union. This is the breaking point that most people aren't capable of crossing- this ability to be selfless and submit to what needs to be done.

There isn't an even trade when it comes to marriage. It's not about equality...it's about partnership.