Today

Today I'm sad. Today I struggle. Today I'm mad. Part of me is so mad that I am going through this sadness, this grief. It's a dichotomy inside of me. Where one part of me is so thankful that I moved here and met you, the other side of me is SCREAMING MAD at the pain that I am going through.

I HATE THIS!!!! I HATE THIS!!! Part of me HATES YOU!! Hates you for leaving me here with all these possibilities that will now go unfulfilled. I hate me for giving in and becoming close to you And yet, even as I type this I know that this isn't true. That this is the pain talking. I know that I don't hate you or me. I know that I LOVED the time that we spent together and will cherish it always. The impact you have had on my life will be forever. Us has changed me.

So thankful for that....but feel so completely cheated. I DESERVED MORE TIME DAMMIT!!!! We both did. The unfairness of this situation is unbearable to me at the present moment. I CANNOT BE ZEN ABOUT THIS!! I WANT A REASON! I WANT AN EXPLANATION!

I want you here, alive, with me. I want it with every fiber of my being You and I talking on my couch until 2 in the morning. Drinking Green Tea Chai Lattes and walking arm in arm, so comfortable, so at ease. You debating with me, your arms outstretched as you make your points. Us laughing at our corny puns and lame jokes. Us biking in the rain, laughing, swinging on the park bench. Me watching you cook me dinner. Our late night drive through Horsetooth, looking down at the lights of Fort Collins, talking about the "big" things in life, I want it all and more. I wanted a lifetime, and got months.

What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to heal? It's not fair.

I hate today.