First Day

"How will I know if I'm doing it correctly?"
"Don't worry, just think of divine light entering your heart, the rest you will learn as you go," my prefect says.
"Let's begin meditation."

I close my eyes, and begin to focus. "Think about divine light," I say to myself, but don't think too hard I immediately retort. I begin to picture what I think would be divine, and stop myself short. "Don't focus on picturing or images, focus lightly on just the thought." I am now having an arguement with myself...in my head...and probably in my prefect's as well.

I take a breath and try to relax, try to open myself up, try to let go. My breathing becomes deeper, and I'm attempting in vain to try and silence the racing thoughts and scenes that are shooting past my eyelids at rapid fire pace. "Divine light is entering my heart, just be open to this feeling," I remind myself.

Then I begin to feel something tingly making it's way slowly up my spine, and exit through my back. I feel as though I've been pulled into a vortex. At this moment a sudden pressure starts to form in the very center of my chest. Pressure that builds rapidly and is exanding like foam insulation. I'm aware that my breathing becomes faster and my pulse starts to quicken. I keep my eyes shut by force of will as panic starts to overtake my mind. "What is this, what's happening!" I ask myself as I feel this pressure start to claw it's way through my body. "This is too much! I'm not ready for this, I can't cry in front of a total stranger!" My whole body chose flight and is screaming now, "OPEN YOUR EYES, STOP THE SESSION!!"

I do neither. I sit. I stay. I wait. I breathe. I confront. I submit. I cry. The storm ends the instant my eyes flood with tears. I let them run down my face and drip onto the blanket in my lap. The swell of emotion that was unbearable a second ago, has already faded into nothingness. But I am still reeling in its wake.

The rest of the session goes by in a blur, with me desperately trying to focus again on divine light, but unable to fully let go of what just occurred.

"That's enough for today," my prefect states calmly from her seated position.

I open my eyes, feeling lighter than when I came, never knowing the difference before today.