LOVE RANT

I AM FRUSTRATED, no wait actually I'm ANGRY, no more than that I'm PISSED. Pissed in that stomp your feet around and have a tantrum like a two year old kinda mad- fling myself on the floor and roll around beating my fists into the carpet. Pissed like I want to run up to the top of one of these damn mountains and scream at the top of my lungs IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

That's what I keep thinking right now. And yes, I know that things could be worse. I comprehend that I have it better than most people in the world. I am thankful that I was born in this country and not some third world monstrosity that believes in female mutilation, enslavement, etc. I realize this. I do. I remind myself about it frequently...whenever I get in one of these moods where I've apparently had too much time on my hands to think about all the events that have transpired in my life. I say thank you for all the good that has been bestowed upon me, but there are times when I cannot quiet the anger that surges inside of me.

Why?? That's usually the first question that comes to mind. Why?? Why did I chose a man that so obviously wasn't the right choice for me? What did I miss? How could I have missed? Why did I stay so long? Why does this still bother me? Will this always be the way for me? Why have there been no consequences for the actions that took place??

How? Is usually the next. How do people know? How do they know who's right for them? How are they able to tell the bullshit from the truth? How can I trust myself again? How can I feel confident in my decisions given my track record? How will I know when it's right? How come I seem to fall for the wrong person? How can I see past the game?

I mean, there are billions of people in the world. Is it even remotely plausible that there is just that one person that you connect with? Is it merely just a choice? Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, or whatever, but I've always thought- always thought that there is that one person above all others. That one person that will understand you better than you understand yourself. The one person that challenges you and helps you grow into a person that you didn't even know existed. And life with this person is amazing, not perfect mind you, but amazing. There are still bad times in my fairytale romantic sensibilities, but they are inconsequential in the bigger picture. In this day and age of texting, email, instant messaging, and chat rooms is this even a reality?

I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to question every feeling or every statement made looking for the lie or the hidden agenda. Fearful that it's all a facade. Fearful that it's a game. Afraid I'm one of a dozen or more that has been told the same exact thing; that these lines so eloquently delivered are merely forwards kept on file and used at the right moment.

The inner fight is constant. Do I trust? Do I not? Am I being careful and protective or am I being psycho? For all of those that betray, hurt or lie to those that love them. For those of you that play games with your affections or misconstrue your true intentions, this is the consequence. This is the effect of your actions. This is the end result. Ruination of another person's ability to trust themselves. Annihilation of the ability to follow their own instincts, trust their own judgement, make a decision.

This is what I allowed you to take from me and I am PISSED.