Illumination

I just realized tonight that I was close to becoming the bane of my existence. Unbeknowst to me, and quite possibly, because of my history and my location, I had become what I loathe....surface. It appears that I've been able to fool myself for the longest time in to thinking I'm not. Giving just enough of myself to feel open, yet not risking enough to feel really vulnerable.

It's a fascinating thing to witness someone being completely uninhibited. Someone so confident and sure of himself that he can say anything without blinking an eye. Without pause. Just statements. Not afraid of judgement. Not afraid of looking like an ass. Not trying to impress. Not embarrassed. No game. No pretense. No hidden agenda. Never before have I met a person so able to freely express exactly what he's thinking. Compliments said with the same ease as personal anecdotes- triumphs or failures. Just truth.

And there I am too holed up in my shell to even mention it. To what?? To Shy? To Worried? Too benevolent? Nope. Too surface. Too accustomed to conversations that typically include trite comments, small talk, agendas, and lies to make a person look good. Too jaded thinking that most conversations are merely a game they want you to fall for. Has it really been this long since I had a conversation? A real conversation...full of meaningful topics?

Standing there listening to this person be so completely in the moment and so truthful made me realize just how much I don't give. How much I keep to myself. How much I don't allow people to know. Why? What am I afraid of? Can the fear of giving someone leverage be so powerful that it created this inability? How did I not notice this before?

And now that I do, how do I change it??