Love and Vulnerability

I have a thing about appearing weak. In relationships with the opposite sex, this comes across as toughness and righteous indignation if for some reason something transpires that I do not approve of. I have been used to quickly correcting the offense with whatever power woman speech I felt necessary to give at the time and will continue until I get the apology that I think I deserve, which always came quickly. This is how I thought I should garner respect from men, in fact this is what I thought needed to occur in order for men to respect you- this and making sure I could keep up with them on and off the court in all things stereotypically male.

Growing up as a tomboy, I learned that if you didn't assert and stand up for yourself that a man would take this as a sign of weakness and would then take advantage of the situation and eventually would mop his floor with your affections. I saw this happen time and time again with my friends. The girls eventually being the butt end of jokes said between men as they laugh talking about their conquests. I decided then that I would never end up some poor little girl with an unrequited crush. Would never end up as dirt under some guy's feet. Would never end up the punchline to one of their disgusting egotistical stories of how "some girl is just chasing me around and won't leave me alone, she's so desperate."

I never gave it much thought. I just thought that I was a strong woman that didn't take crap from any guy 'cuz I know what guys are like. This is what has made me, up until now, walk a fine line between showing my heart and guarding my affections. Never show a man that you like him too much, because then he knows that he has you and once that occurs, you lose your power and run the risk of being emotionally manipulated or cast aside as something already caught.

Due to this, I can honestly say that I have never chased a guy. Ever. Never once. Never went after the guy I had a crush on in high school, but instead dated the guys that were friends of mine who eventually told me they liked me. I was too nervous, shy, and insecure to actually go up and tell any guy that I liked them. I settled for the safety of people that liked me, rather than having the courage to face rejection and feel vulnerable. This carried into college and beyond. The relationships would be fine and would eventually run their course, albeit not without some huge process. Looking back I can see this, however, at the time, I had no idea that I was actively participating in hurting others. While I never did anything to betray the relationships, they certainly weren't relationships built on shall we say an equal attraction. But this served my purpose, because I was able to protect my emotional investment and ultimately was ok when the break-up occurred. I was always able to move on because for me, the cost was not that great. It's easy to appear strong and pick up and carry on when you haven't left that much of you behind.

But I don't think this is going to work for me anymore, however, if not then what is left? Am I left to be what I hate, like one of those women that I've seen ridiculed? Is it weakness to allow yourself to become vulnerable and risk opening yourself up to someone, or does it show real strength?

Even as I'm typing this, I can't swallow it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to conquer this notion that I have. Every time I think about it, I picture some poor woman sniveling in a corner all weak and pathetic. I know my friend would say that this is just the feminist coming out, but I don't think I can use that excuse anymore, it's something more than that for me. It's something that I've been shown I need to change and want to, but how?

How do I re-program myself to view love as something other than a power struggle? And if I give up that power, what becomes of me then? What do I turn into? How do I open myself up and be vulnerable, yet still able to protect my very sensitive side and make sure I'm respected?

Intentions

Why do individuals say one thing and then do another? What is up with mixed messages?? Do you know why people say that relations between men and women are complicated, because they make them so. It's not difficult to mean what you say and say what you mean. It's basic communication!

Why spend hours of time in serious conversation and then act in a completely different manner than that of which conversed? Why complain about something and then embrace the very thing you were complaining about? It's completely unfathomable to me. I mean what makes this occur...is it weakness or lonliness or boredom or fear? Why do people complain about events, relationships, issues in their life, etc. and then act in a manner that creates those things they were orginally complaining about? Do they crave drama? Do they need the attention?

I mean seriously let the EGO go...the world will offer thanks and so will the people around you that listen to it.

Insomnia, My Wretched Friend

I am filled with agitation. What's more annoying is that I can't seem to pinpoint precisely what I'm agitated about. Me...I know that for sure, but what part of me this time? What part of me this time is keeping me awake? What insight do I have to comprehend before my mind will let me rest?

My mind has been pushing around all these preconceived notions, just waiting for transcendence. As soon as I tackle one issue, another one appears in a few days to take it's place. These thoughts leave me so confused that it's difficult to even write this post...unsure of what I'm actually needing to understand, decipher, or learn. I feel so mixed up, my thoughts are like cockroaches scurrying around. I can hear them, but every time I turn on the light to try and catch them they run back to their hiding places. I didn't actually think this whole self actualization thing was going to be so um...difficult, annoying, frustrating, taxing, work?

(I'm laughing at myself now)

I think I'm ready to come to the realization that I am indeed a hot mess! Never really thought I was before, so it's coming as a bit of a shock. (Insert another giggle) My ego has apparently been working overtime and has led me to believe that I actually had most everything together. And I played the part really convincingly. But I'm not. I am a hot mess. Let's look at the evidence shall we?

Exhibit A- I think I've been allowing myself to keep running from the career I want to have because I'm afraid of the following: being one of those people that should of given up along time ago and have now become the butt of all artists' jokes; failing miserably at it; becoming conventional with a conventional job after said failing; regrets and the possibility of rejection...What if I really do suck? Then what? Am I getting too old to start over? There's so many things I'm interested in...how do I know which one is the right one?

Exhibit B- Allowing insecurities about Exhibit A to roll over into other aspects of my life and affect my self-esteem. What do I really have to offer? How intelligent am I really? Why can't I be like other people? Why can't I figure out my life like other people seem to figure out theirs? Why do I have to be different? Am I really different or am I fooling myself? Am I really unique and talented? These fears are crippling...I've sold myself short. I've stopped pushing myself. I've stopped growing. I've stopped reaching. For some reason I stopped believing in myself. When did that happen?

Exhibit C- This increase in Exhibit B has lead to looking outside myself for approval. Which in turn has created instability within me and has created a lack of trust in my own judgements. This lack of trust has caused me to give chances when not warranted, make unwise decisions, and created constant internal turmoil which enables my mind to pummel me with its hailstorm of unanswered and re-answered questions, comments, scrutiny, and self analyzation. Forget the fork in the road...I am maneuvering the largest round-a-bout ever built. Frost couldn't even conceive my multitude of unmapped roads.

When I lay it out in these terms it all appears very scientific- like causality in physics. Hmmm...physics wasn't one of my strongest subjects if I remember correctly...guess I shoulda paid more attention in class.

Mind Control

Ok, it's official. I officially suck at meditating. Every morning I wake before dawn and drag myself out of bed hoping that this time it will be different. I set my timer for the half hour time increment required by beginning students, snuggle into a blanket, close my eyes, and start meditation.

After the first few breaths, I'm already being bombarded with thoughts. How can my mind possibly be awake at this hour? WTF!!!! My mind controls me, I am at its beck and call. Let's think about career choices right now? OK. How about reliving the euthanasia of your beloved Chase? Yeah lets replay that in your head right now so that you can question it's necessity and your decision once again, and I'll slow-mo that instant he looked up right before he died..that always gets ya. NO...I got it...let's go on a trip into the future...sure to be a crowd pleaser...guaranteed.

My mind is at war with me. I don't know what I did to piss it off, but it's not happy. It's behaving like a desperate lover-bringing up things to push my buttons. Smothering any chance I had of my inner peace becoming a reality.

"What do you want?" I ask. Can't you see that I'm trying to focus? Can't you see that the path you are taking me is not somewhere I need to go? "We're supposed to be on the same team!" I state defiantly. But apparently my mind stopped listening to me a long time ago.

The timer chimes ending my session, my mind smirks at me from the corner...good thing I don't intimidate easily.

Questions on Love's Validity

Do people actually find love, or do they just get tired of looking? Why is it that so many marriages end up in divorce? Is it that someone eventually wakes up refreshed and decides to start looking again...or is it that the shimmery veil of intrigue wears off as conversation and laughter becomes less and less replaced by the daily grind, unflattering pj's, and resentment.

How is it that two people can take the plunge to become life partners and end up strangers? Where does the affection go? How does the breakdown happen? What causes the rifts that eventually turn into canyons? Why are people so intent on having a beautiful wedding and less intent on having a beautiful marriage?

How does my life fit in all of this? Why did my mom feel the need to make a statement about how glad she was that I didn't feel the need to settle when I ended the relationship I had been in for the past 4 years? Why do people think it odd that we didn't get married after being together so long? Why is it that when a women reaches my age she is looked at differently than men in the same age bracket? I don't feel like my options are becoming less and less as I get older...are they? Am I brazeningly laughing my "window of opportunity" in the face? Will my view of what's available scare me into settling as I get older instead of waiting for whatever is holding me back to materialize?

What if I never feel this whatever I think I should feel? What if I pass up perfectly sound partners because it falls short of spectacular? Is this preconceived notion of what my love should cause me to feel real? Or is it just a fabrication created while watching Disney movies as a little girl? I don't believe I have a white knight fixation, maybe just a cool dude on a steed, but who knows? Would I pass up the white knight because he didn't cause me to swoon at first glance?

And how do people find their life partner? Is it really just trial and error? Or is it more mathematical than that? Date x amount of people, guaranteed y amount of good ones, take the ratio, create a matrix, map the data, and presto you have your love coordinates....sigh.

Love without passion is merely a question of net worth and compatibility. I'm not willing to settle just to have a house, an incredible 401K, and an SUV. While I do fight the voice of convention, I just can't seem to gamble my heart on anything less than what I'm hoping to find.