Old Town

I went out tonight for the first time since Jon passed. We went out to old town, got dressed up and walked around enjoying the summer night. I wore a dress that I bought in the spring with hopes of wearing it on a warm summer date night. All around me were memories. It was as if I was walking through a dream.

Every where we went I could close my eyes and invision us walking arm in arm. Down this street is the coffee shop where we used to drink lattes and talk. Here is the art gallery where you found out about our shared loved of photography and you spoke of the summer when we could grab a couple of your cameras and hike up into the mountains. These are the sidewalks were I taught you what side you should walk on. There is the bench where we sat and debated for hours.

This town is too small for our memories. Every piece of the landscape, everything reminds me of you. It's so painful to walk your past in the present when presently you can no longer create memories like the past.

I know I shouldn't make any big decisions for awhile, but tonight leaves me wondering how long I should stay? I'm not sure this town is big enough to create a new future without marring it with constant reminders of the past.

Chess

Last night it hit me again
Anger, anguish, animosity
At God, at life, at myself
Didn't I deserve this happiness, didn't he?

Is my life a trivial game of chess?
Devil and God on opposites sides of my board.
Moving my pieces, sharing small talk as they play...
Is there a strategy?
Does God have a trick up his sleeve?
Is it Checkmate in three moves?

How I wish to make meaning out of the last moves.
I fail to understand the game, somehow I've lost the playbook.
I'm down to pawns, racing to the other side.
Each move getting closer.
Hoping to reach the last square on the board.

Not sure what to ask for
Not sure how to win
Looking for guidance
Looking for a sign
Looking for a way out of confusion

Praying my pawns will prevail...

Sand

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Practically weightless in my hand
Falling, sifting between my fingers
Bouncing down onto the shiny surface
Deafening all other sounds, except the breaking of my heart, the sobbing of my soul

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Final resting place on wood
Don't want to watch
Can't avert my eyes
Reality sounds hollow

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Mixing with my tears
Etched into my memory
Can't believe it's real
Must be dreaming

Coarse, rough texture
Grey, brown, color

A measure of time
The hourglass has emptied
This moment stands frozen
As the glass is flipped

Miscreants

Be thankful that you are still alive.
Still able to waste your life complaining, creating obstacles.
Pondering the uselessness of your own mortality
Posturing about your own self worth
Laughing at the gifts that were so bestowed upon you.

YOU MAKE ME CRINGE!

How lucky you are that I do not make the decision
How fortunate that I do not hold the title to your soul
You waste of oxygen
You disgrace to your benefactor

Had I the power to enact change, I would trade your life for another
This is why you are left, while others are gone
You have still so much more to learn
Your judge ever patient, ever hoping, that you will begin to see

How I wish I could lift the veil obstructing your view

Bike Ride

I took my niece on her first bike ride today.
Handlebar streamers blowing in the wind,
Balance unsteady as she weaved her way down the street.
"Stay out of the middle of the road," I keep hearing myself repeating.
Her long legs pumping with the effort, she weaves back towards safety.
The breeze picks up and soon we are biking through cottonwood snow.
It floats by lazily, the fluffy little bunches dancing in the breeze.
She has faced her fear of biking today.
I think of you and tell her that Uncle Jon would be so proud.
She thinks you can see us biking.
I hope she's right.

Today

Today I'm sad. Today I struggle. Today I'm mad. Part of me is so mad that I am going through this sadness, this grief. It's a dichotomy inside of me. Where one part of me is so thankful that I moved here and met you, the other side of me is SCREAMING MAD at the pain that I am going through.

I HATE THIS!!!! I HATE THIS!!! Part of me HATES YOU!! Hates you for leaving me here with all these possibilities that will now go unfulfilled. I hate me for giving in and becoming close to you And yet, even as I type this I know that this isn't true. That this is the pain talking. I know that I don't hate you or me. I know that I LOVED the time that we spent together and will cherish it always. The impact you have had on my life will be forever. Us has changed me.

So thankful for that....but feel so completely cheated. I DESERVED MORE TIME DAMMIT!!!! We both did. The unfairness of this situation is unbearable to me at the present moment. I CANNOT BE ZEN ABOUT THIS!! I WANT A REASON! I WANT AN EXPLANATION!

I want you here, alive, with me. I want it with every fiber of my being You and I talking on my couch until 2 in the morning. Drinking Green Tea Chai Lattes and walking arm in arm, so comfortable, so at ease. You debating with me, your arms outstretched as you make your points. Us laughing at our corny puns and lame jokes. Us biking in the rain, laughing, swinging on the park bench. Me watching you cook me dinner. Our late night drive through Horsetooth, looking down at the lights of Fort Collins, talking about the "big" things in life, I want it all and more. I wanted a lifetime, and got months.

What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to heal? It's not fair.

I hate today.