First Day

"How will I know if I'm doing it correctly?"
"Don't worry, just think of divine light entering your heart, the rest you will learn as you go," my prefect says.
"Let's begin meditation."

I close my eyes, and begin to focus. "Think about divine light," I say to myself, but don't think too hard I immediately retort. I begin to picture what I think would be divine, and stop myself short. "Don't focus on picturing or images, focus lightly on just the thought." I am now having an arguement with myself...in my head...and probably in my prefect's as well.

I take a breath and try to relax, try to open myself up, try to let go. My breathing becomes deeper, and I'm attempting in vain to try and silence the racing thoughts and scenes that are shooting past my eyelids at rapid fire pace. "Divine light is entering my heart, just be open to this feeling," I remind myself.

Then I begin to feel something tingly making it's way slowly up my spine, and exit through my back. I feel as though I've been pulled into a vortex. At this moment a sudden pressure starts to form in the very center of my chest. Pressure that builds rapidly and is exanding like foam insulation. I'm aware that my breathing becomes faster and my pulse starts to quicken. I keep my eyes shut by force of will as panic starts to overtake my mind. "What is this, what's happening!" I ask myself as I feel this pressure start to claw it's way through my body. "This is too much! I'm not ready for this, I can't cry in front of a total stranger!" My whole body chose flight and is screaming now, "OPEN YOUR EYES, STOP THE SESSION!!"

I do neither. I sit. I stay. I wait. I breathe. I confront. I submit. I cry. The storm ends the instant my eyes flood with tears. I let them run down my face and drip onto the blanket in my lap. The swell of emotion that was unbearable a second ago, has already faded into nothingness. But I am still reeling in its wake.

The rest of the session goes by in a blur, with me desperately trying to focus again on divine light, but unable to fully let go of what just occurred.

"That's enough for today," my prefect states calmly from her seated position.

I open my eyes, feeling lighter than when I came, never knowing the difference before today.

Illumination

I just realized tonight that I was close to becoming the bane of my existence. Unbeknowst to me, and quite possibly, because of my history and my location, I had become what I loathe....surface. It appears that I've been able to fool myself for the longest time in to thinking I'm not. Giving just enough of myself to feel open, yet not risking enough to feel really vulnerable.

It's a fascinating thing to witness someone being completely uninhibited. Someone so confident and sure of himself that he can say anything without blinking an eye. Without pause. Just statements. Not afraid of judgement. Not afraid of looking like an ass. Not trying to impress. Not embarrassed. No game. No pretense. No hidden agenda. Never before have I met a person so able to freely express exactly what he's thinking. Compliments said with the same ease as personal anecdotes- triumphs or failures. Just truth.

And there I am too holed up in my shell to even mention it. To what?? To Shy? To Worried? Too benevolent? Nope. Too surface. Too accustomed to conversations that typically include trite comments, small talk, agendas, and lies to make a person look good. Too jaded thinking that most conversations are merely a game they want you to fall for. Has it really been this long since I had a conversation? A real conversation...full of meaningful topics?

Standing there listening to this person be so completely in the moment and so truthful made me realize just how much I don't give. How much I keep to myself. How much I don't allow people to know. Why? What am I afraid of? Can the fear of giving someone leverage be so powerful that it created this inability? How did I not notice this before?

And now that I do, how do I change it??

LOVE RANT

I AM FRUSTRATED, no wait actually I'm ANGRY, no more than that I'm PISSED. Pissed in that stomp your feet around and have a tantrum like a two year old kinda mad- fling myself on the floor and roll around beating my fists into the carpet. Pissed like I want to run up to the top of one of these damn mountains and scream at the top of my lungs IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

That's what I keep thinking right now. And yes, I know that things could be worse. I comprehend that I have it better than most people in the world. I am thankful that I was born in this country and not some third world monstrosity that believes in female mutilation, enslavement, etc. I realize this. I do. I remind myself about it frequently...whenever I get in one of these moods where I've apparently had too much time on my hands to think about all the events that have transpired in my life. I say thank you for all the good that has been bestowed upon me, but there are times when I cannot quiet the anger that surges inside of me.

Why?? That's usually the first question that comes to mind. Why?? Why did I chose a man that so obviously wasn't the right choice for me? What did I miss? How could I have missed? Why did I stay so long? Why does this still bother me? Will this always be the way for me? Why have there been no consequences for the actions that took place??

How? Is usually the next. How do people know? How do they know who's right for them? How are they able to tell the bullshit from the truth? How can I trust myself again? How can I feel confident in my decisions given my track record? How will I know when it's right? How come I seem to fall for the wrong person? How can I see past the game?

I mean, there are billions of people in the world. Is it even remotely plausible that there is just that one person that you connect with? Is it merely just a choice? Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, or whatever, but I've always thought- always thought that there is that one person above all others. That one person that will understand you better than you understand yourself. The one person that challenges you and helps you grow into a person that you didn't even know existed. And life with this person is amazing, not perfect mind you, but amazing. There are still bad times in my fairytale romantic sensibilities, but they are inconsequential in the bigger picture. In this day and age of texting, email, instant messaging, and chat rooms is this even a reality?

I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to question every feeling or every statement made looking for the lie or the hidden agenda. Fearful that it's all a facade. Fearful that it's a game. Afraid I'm one of a dozen or more that has been told the same exact thing; that these lines so eloquently delivered are merely forwards kept on file and used at the right moment.

The inner fight is constant. Do I trust? Do I not? Am I being careful and protective or am I being psycho? For all of those that betray, hurt or lie to those that love them. For those of you that play games with your affections or misconstrue your true intentions, this is the consequence. This is the effect of your actions. This is the end result. Ruination of another person's ability to trust themselves. Annihilation of the ability to follow their own instincts, trust their own judgement, make a decision.

This is what I allowed you to take from me and I am PISSED.

Is Love a Fancy or a Feeling?

Hartley Coleridge

Is love a fancy, or a feeling? No.
It is immortal as immaculate Truth,
'Tis not a blossom shed as soon as youth,
Drops from the stem of life--for it will grow,
In barren regions, where no waters flow,
Nor rays of promise cheats the pensive gloom.
A darkling fire, faint hovering o'er a tomb,
That but itself and darkness nought doth show,
It is my love's being yet it cannot die,
Nor will it change, though all be changed beside;
Though fairest beauty be no longer fair,
Though vows be false, and faith itself deny,
Though sharp enjoyment be a suicide,
And hope a spectre in a ruin bare.

'Nuff said.

Distraction How I Love Thee

Ah the city life- filled with a myriad of exciting, useful, or extravagant ways in which one can lose herself. Distractions are so diverting, and apparently, I am the queen of using them in everyway possible to deal with any crisis in my life. I've always been an overachiever, always pushing myself forward never looking back. As my mom always says, "What's done is done, just pick yourself up and move on." However I never realized, until very recently, that my way of coping with a crisis doesn't ever allow me to deal with it. To the outside world, I am this strong, capable woman who always seems to be able to fight her way through everything- Divorce, job loss, underemployment, relationships, death. However what neither they nor I knew was that what appears as strength is actually my weakness. My achilles heel- the inability to allow myself to face pain, feel hurt, announce defeat, surrender to vulnerability. In short, I lack the skills to wallow. But I digress, perhaps I should back up a bit...

My first 2 weeks here was filled with plenty of busy work for me to do. My days consisted of taking care of my nephew and my nights were spent unpacking and settling into a new rountine. I didn't even realize I was distracting myself. Attempting to ressurect a semblance of my life in Chicago, I packed in as much activity as I could. During my first weeks here I went dancing, found a nice bar to hang out in, started exploring the town, anything that kept me on the go. I was keeping the same pace I've always kept never thinking that there was anything wrong with it. I'd come to the conclusion years ago that I was just a high energy individual who thrived on constant activity. Didn't realize how wrong I was until my nightlife was cut short by 11 o'clock closing times; and I'm home, and the house is quiet, and there's no one to call, and I'm alone with me...and there are no distractions.

This is when my witching hour begins. When my brain comes up with tasks that need to be completed; or songs that need to be hummed; or something, anything, that makes facing the feelings that begin to bubble up unnecessary. I fight the good fight for as long as I can, checking email, reading updates on Facebook, googling anything that crosses my mind. Yes of course, I need to know the lifecycle of a gnat, what if I get on Jeopardy?? In fact, if I really want to be honest with myself, the very creation of this blog came out of sheer desperation for a distraction...How sad is that? But after I've gone through every possible outlet for diversion, and have exhausted all resources, the fight is over. I've been backed into the corner and there's no escape. Before I know it, I'm curled up in a ball as tears begin saturating my pillow.

I am officially pathetic. Sobbing like a little girl. Wallowing like a pro. The topic isn't important and changes as quickly as Chicago weather. At this moment I am the quintessential time traveler. Past becomes present, present becomes future. The line between what was, what is, and what could be blurs like cars on the autobahn zig zagging their way around my roadblocks.

Just when I think the storm has passed, a new wave, usually larger than before, starts building on the horizon. I take a deep breath and paddle onward, thinking this time I can ride it. It breaks unexpectedly and I'm thrown into the choppy water, eventually clawing my way onto the safety of the sand sputtering and exhausted.

The episode is over as quickly as it began. I collect myself and state sarcastically. "You are such a drama queen," the humor is vital at this time as it allows me to not feel completely like an idiot.

I sit up, take a breath, and wonder aloud, "What the hell was that all about?" I'm not quite sure is the answer that comes out. Or more accurately...it's about everything.

My mind then reminds me that it's only February and I have 5 more months to go.

There's No Shortcut to the Top of the Mountain

When I was a little girl, my music teacher gave me an article with this title. Contained in the article was an amusing story which instructed the reader on the value of hard work and achievements that could be accomplished with concentrated effort. In the hopes that I would take this article to heart and become a diligent student, practicing my hour a day, my parents taped it to the music stand atop my organ and referenced it whenever I felt like giving up- a daily struggle. Suffice it to say, I turned a blind eye to this prudent information, and eventually created my own way of achieving success.

See, I happened to be one of those children that wasn't often challenged during daily activities. I picked up most things easily, and often was bored at school. Ashamedly, I passed much of my grammer and high school years without having to even open a text book. My college years proved similiar, having only to really knuckle down and study a handful of times. I became very adept at finding the shortcut to the mountaintop. Cruising the glossaries and indices for answers to study guides. Memorizing definitions via flash cards. I was a pro, missing Magna Cum Laude by 1/100th of a point. I say this not to boast, but rather, to admit, that while I seemed to be able to achieve the highest marks, I cannot tell you much of what I learned.

As life continued on, I thought everything would fall into place. I got married, graduated, got divorced, then got lost. Really lost. Lost in that, it looks like everything is really cool on the surface, but if I pause for one second I'd notice the cracks in the foundation. Left unpatched for many years, these cracks became fissures, and eventually the foundation crumbled and I imploded. It's the imploded part that hurled me back down the mountain and destroyed all my well worn shortcuts.

I suffered with panic attacks for 6 months before I knew what they were. It took a full year to admit to myself that they weren't going to go away by themselves. It took another 9 months to ackowledge that I couldn't do it alone.

Now I had to put in the effort. There was no quick fix for this. No magic super glue that could piece me back together.

For the past year and a half I've started laying a solid foundation. Put in countless hours. Went through numerous boxes of tissue. Cried over years of unexpressed grief. Grief that I thought I processed a long time ago. Pain that I thought I dealt with because of my ability to forge ahead. Questioned myself constantly. Probed and gently pushed to accept my vulnerabilities.

I've begun to look at myself without the mirror. Raw. Unapologetic. Unflinching. I am me and I am climbing, no longer looking for shortcuts.