Incompatibility. When it comes to relationships...how much is too much? I've always felt that incompatibility is one of the warning signs that goes un-heeded. If the person you are with is "the one" then why would there be incompatibilities or issues? Discourse I understand, little disagreements, to be expected. But incompatibilities? Do they belong, or more to the point, are they found in healthy, normal relationships? Just as important...Do I carry some misconceptions of what love is, how it works? Is my viewpoint of love based on idealistic child-like notions?
I admit I do not know. Not because I haven't had issues of contention in my relationships, but because I haven't really had a healthy relationship. How sad is that? I'm 33 and my only healthy example of what a relationship could be was over before it really had a chance to get off the ground. And all around most of what I see are relationships in varying degrees of dysfunction, chock full of incompatibilities, issues, problems. Do they stem from not heeding the caution light as they drove by in their love mobile? What is the cause and effect? Do these couples have such issues in their marriages/relationships because they didn't recognize the non-congruency of their partners?
I mean for me and my past, I would say that I definitely blew-off the warnings. And why did I do that? Was is love, or just the idea of it? There were warnings signs as loud as sirens, and I chose to ignore. The end result was divorce, pain, and very unfulfilled relationships that have left me with my share of baggage to claim, not the least of which being fear. Fear that I wouldn't heed warning signs now and make a wrong choice...again. Unfortunately now it appears that those warning signs, so clear before, are now clouded with this very tangible fear. How do I discern between what is real and what is fear motivated? How can I tell if the warning sign that is flashing is legit and not just based out of fear of duplicating the same mistakes?
And how does incompatibility fit in this thing called love? I'm sure it is infantile to think that the one you're supposed to be with would be completely compatible with you, yet somehow that is in my brain. Somehow through all the experiences I've had it's been programmed that incompatibility = wrong choice. Am I really fit to be in a relationship?
And what of love as a choice? Many people have mentioned this viewpoint of love. I must admit that I've never shared this opinion, and it's still difficult for me to comprehend. I've always felt that love is a feeling, an overwhelming feeling/response for another human being with no earthly explanation. Loving someone isn't a choice one gets to make, however you can choose whether or not to be with that person based on intellectual findings. The actual act of falling in love and being married is not so much a choice but rather something that occurs that you just can't do without. Is this a naive view of love?
To be honest, the people that I've heard speak of it as a choice are all Christian, which leaves me wondering if that has something to do with it. Or are these individuals more mature in these matters than I, or do I simply have an unrealistic ideal of what love truly is? If this turns out to be true, what a sad day indeed. My whole world would be turned topsy-turvy, and I would have to somehow come to an understanding in my mind that the ideas surrounding love, marriage, etc were all based in fantasy, in fairytale. Ugh, difficult to grasp, but nevertheless important to discern. I mean is love really just about picking someone that you're the most compatible with and then that's it? Is there really nothing cosmic/spiritual about it? Depressing for me to think of love in these terms, but should probably spend some time in contemplation.
And if incompatibility exists in a healthy, normal relationship...how do you know when you've found the right one? How do you come to some sort of working framework for these issues? Is this what makes so many marriages mediocre? Or have people picked the wrong person to marry, thus resulting in a mediocre marriage? For me when something comes up that seems insurmountable or a point of serious contention, it takes all my will power not to just shut down completely and run for the hills. The fear of making the same mistake is so powerful that it could inhibit any chance of rational thinking.
And how is it that you can think someone is the one for you, but then have issues? How can the one for you be a person that you have issues with? How can you be so in love with someone one minute and the next you're worrying about whether or not the issue just unveiled is a warning sign you should heed? How can you tell?
How can you tell when you've loved before and it's gone so terribly wrong? How can you trust love? How can you trust that feeling when that feeling has lead you down some terribly rough and bumpy roads with detours so confusing you didn't think you'd ever make it out? And now that I am out...am I what some refer to as damaged goods? I didn't quite understand that concept when it was said to me 6 years ago, however, it feels more true than ever now. Am I, after all the time, effort, and pain that I've walked through to deal with my divorce and understand the whys behind my decisions; am I still just damaged goods? Have I really just followed the detour signs and made a complete circle, ending back where I started?
It feels that way.
And if that is the case, then what of a mate? What could I possibly offer a potential mate, except deep seated insecurity and uncertainty that I'm making the right decision. Why put anyone through that? Would it be better to protect others from myself? Perhaps that would be the wise thing to do in this situation.
Would anyone be the right decision if in my current way of thinking, the right person wouldn't be incompatible in anyway. Doesn't sound plausible to me, after all, we are human. Yet, if that is the case, then why do I fight against that logic? Is my thinking really unrealistic? And if it is, which I'm thinking that it probably is, then where do you draw the line? Where is the incompatibility limit? How can you be sure the person you think you're in love with is the person God intended you to be with? How can you be sure you're not just trying to make it work out of your feelings of love for one another? And here's the kicker...how can you be all-in, buying little gifts, planning life, excited about visits, contemplating uprooting your life-and then suddenly doubting everything? Is fear really that powerful? Is it really that powerful with nothing tangible behind it?
I know this is where people will say, trust. Ask for guidance. I am asking. My issue with this is, how can I trust that what I think is the right course, what God intends and not me/human trying to make it work? How can I trust, when I thought I was right before? The little voice inside my head is now saying, "Yes you thought you were right, but you never asked. You never took a meeting with God about these things before...never gave God a memo." Very true, but how can I trust that what I think is of God is really of God?
How can love and fear exist is the same space? How can one be just as powerful as the other so as to confuse and cloud reason and judgement; so as to completely unravel and knock your sense of stability and rightness completely off its feet? How can you feel so right and sure and then so wrong and uncertain, all within the same 24-hour period? Ugh, fear and doubt are evil things indeed.
Can a conversation and fear do this or am I just this screwed up? If it is the latter, if I really am just this screwed up, as horrible as that truth would be, as heart rendering as it would be to leave...I would. I would do it to spare the one I love any pain, hurt, damage, that I would inflict. I would go in the hopes that he would find a mate less damaged and more compatible/functional than I. I don't like the idea of me being irreversibly screwed up, but nevertheless need to open myself up to this possibility. Life contains causality. There are ramifications or consequences for previous decisions. Who am I to make another person suffer because of my disobedient choices?
My heart is heavy with this knowledge and what it may mean. My soul hurts every time I contemplate the possibility of non-we. But I would, I would do it for him. Surely that must be love. UGH...this thought process is so tiring and bewildering.
I HATE THIS BATTLE...HATE THAT THIS ISSUE HAUNTS ME.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Everything But
In my previous postings about marriage and such I have written that I feel that couples, while speaking vows, still in the back of their mind have a stopping point, or a no tresspassing point. Like they agree to everything, but with an exception, a but clause. I wrote how dissappointed I was that it seems that I was surrounded by this kind of example of marriage, and how I didn't want that kind of marriage/relationship if I were to have one.
What I didn't realize is how much I thought like this. How much I put up a barrier, wall, "deal breaker." I would look at a person and think well yes he is good in all these ways, but what about this? Look at what he did or didn't do in this situation, look how he treated or responded in this circumstance. After carefully analyzing the event, I would then procede accordingly. Either ending the relationship, or chastising the behavior. In these cases I felt completely and totally justified. Felt that the "he" that I happened to be with at the time had let me down, wasn't strong enough to be with me, or just wasn't the right person for me, etc. I felt relief that I had found and figured this out before too much time had gone by, like I was just looking for the reason, the incident that would seal the fate of our relationship. Looking back, I see now why I was doing this....fear is a very powerful motivator.
Out of fear of the unknown. Out of fear of ending up like my previous marriage. Out of fear or being hurt, let down, or waking up one day only to realize I chose wrongly again. Out of fear I decided that once I found out some little way in which "he" didn't measure to my standards it meant that he wasn't the right guy for me. It meant that I wasn't supposed to be with him, that I couldn't trust our relationship, that he was taking me for granted, and that he had to fix these inequities on his own. I was so afraid to step in and help for fear that our relationship would turn into me doing everything, while he just went along for the ride. I was also afraid that it meant that he didn't care enough about us to conquor and wasn't strong enough on his own, that he wasn't whole, that he wasn't capable. Didn't realize until this morning that this had become my "everything but."
Didn't realize that this message was playing in my head...yes of course I'll love you, yes of course I'll do nice things for you, fold your laundry, cook you dinner....little things that didn't require much of me, didn't fall into my expectation categories. I'll be more than happy to do these things for you hun...but don't ask me to do that. Don't ask me to pull you out of your funk, don't ask me to sort out your life stuff, don't lean on me, don't ask me to work on things that you've been putting off...don't ask me for help in things that I believe you should do on own. I'll do anything else...everything....but that.
Because that for me triggers all kinds of questions and insecurities. That for me makes me think that this realtionship will not survive. That for me makes me think that you are incapable of structuring and running your life and that I will become your mother, for lack of a better term. That for me fills me with fears of duplicating my past. And that fear makes me want to run. That fear makes me want to pack it in and part with whatever dignity I have left. That fear makes me question my choice of mate yet again and brings everyting into question. Did God choose this or am I just making this relationship work in my mind, when it's not what God intended? Why would God want this for me?
So I prayed. I prayed for direction, guidance, trust. I prayed that God would take these fears away and would show me what I needed to see, would help me be the wife I needed to be. Would settle my mind and calm this storm inside my head. I prayed and prayed...and this morning God answered. I was sitting in my car driving to church this morning and he began his answer...starting with, if the tables were reversed my mate would help in whatever way he could. Dawn began a faint ascent in my mind.
Then I got to church and during the message that pastor talked about why we help one another as Christians. The first being gratitude/thankfulness to God for all the ways in which He has blessed our lives. The second reason was obedience. It was during this explanation that the pastor quoted Deuteronomy 22:4 "If you see your neighbor's ox or donkey lying on the road, do not look the other way. Go and help your neighbor get it to its feet!" And Provers 3:27 and 14:21a, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help. It's criminal to ignore a neighbor in need..." It was during this time in the service that I chuckled out loud, looked up to the ceiling and said,"Ok, God, got it." Especially since I had just gotten off the phone with my mate who had just referred to himself as a donkey in a ditch.
Who more deserving that my mate? Who more deserving of help than the person that God has choosen for me? How could I desire to be a godly wife, yet have a deal breaker? The two are incompatible with each other. One cannot be a godly wife or have a union like the one God intended between a husband and a wife if an "everything but" existed in my mind. In a godly marriage, there is no "everything but," instead it's God how can I serve? How can I love more, be more, live more in your light. How can I be the wife you've intended me to be? Help me be more for the mate you have chosen than I could ever be on my own.
One the back of our bills it states, "In God We Trust." Never really paused to give that statement much thought. However, the words are weighty and when considered in this realm, don't leave much to interpretation. It's simple really...In God Will I Trust. Will I trust that this is the man especially created for me? Will I trust that God will not let occur what has happened in my past. Will I give up control of any outcome and trust God's plan, whatever that may be, however or whenever it is revealed to me?
In this there are no shades of grey, it's black and white. Will I or will I not? It's the choice that God always asks us to make. The point where free will comes into play. He unveils some kernel of truth and then sits back to watch which path we'll take.
Time to get my donkey out of his ditch...
What I didn't realize is how much I thought like this. How much I put up a barrier, wall, "deal breaker." I would look at a person and think well yes he is good in all these ways, but what about this? Look at what he did or didn't do in this situation, look how he treated or responded in this circumstance. After carefully analyzing the event, I would then procede accordingly. Either ending the relationship, or chastising the behavior. In these cases I felt completely and totally justified. Felt that the "he" that I happened to be with at the time had let me down, wasn't strong enough to be with me, or just wasn't the right person for me, etc. I felt relief that I had found and figured this out before too much time had gone by, like I was just looking for the reason, the incident that would seal the fate of our relationship. Looking back, I see now why I was doing this....fear is a very powerful motivator.
Out of fear of the unknown. Out of fear of ending up like my previous marriage. Out of fear or being hurt, let down, or waking up one day only to realize I chose wrongly again. Out of fear I decided that once I found out some little way in which "he" didn't measure to my standards it meant that he wasn't the right guy for me. It meant that I wasn't supposed to be with him, that I couldn't trust our relationship, that he was taking me for granted, and that he had to fix these inequities on his own. I was so afraid to step in and help for fear that our relationship would turn into me doing everything, while he just went along for the ride. I was also afraid that it meant that he didn't care enough about us to conquor and wasn't strong enough on his own, that he wasn't whole, that he wasn't capable. Didn't realize until this morning that this had become my "everything but."
Didn't realize that this message was playing in my head...yes of course I'll love you, yes of course I'll do nice things for you, fold your laundry, cook you dinner....little things that didn't require much of me, didn't fall into my expectation categories. I'll be more than happy to do these things for you hun...but don't ask me to do that. Don't ask me to pull you out of your funk, don't ask me to sort out your life stuff, don't lean on me, don't ask me to work on things that you've been putting off...don't ask me for help in things that I believe you should do on own. I'll do anything else...everything....but that.
Because that for me triggers all kinds of questions and insecurities. That for me makes me think that this realtionship will not survive. That for me makes me think that you are incapable of structuring and running your life and that I will become your mother, for lack of a better term. That for me fills me with fears of duplicating my past. And that fear makes me want to run. That fear makes me want to pack it in and part with whatever dignity I have left. That fear makes me question my choice of mate yet again and brings everyting into question. Did God choose this or am I just making this relationship work in my mind, when it's not what God intended? Why would God want this for me?
So I prayed. I prayed for direction, guidance, trust. I prayed that God would take these fears away and would show me what I needed to see, would help me be the wife I needed to be. Would settle my mind and calm this storm inside my head. I prayed and prayed...and this morning God answered. I was sitting in my car driving to church this morning and he began his answer...starting with, if the tables were reversed my mate would help in whatever way he could. Dawn began a faint ascent in my mind.
Then I got to church and during the message that pastor talked about why we help one another as Christians. The first being gratitude/thankfulness to God for all the ways in which He has blessed our lives. The second reason was obedience. It was during this explanation that the pastor quoted Deuteronomy 22:4 "If you see your neighbor's ox or donkey lying on the road, do not look the other way. Go and help your neighbor get it to its feet!" And Provers 3:27 and 14:21a, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help. It's criminal to ignore a neighbor in need..." It was during this time in the service that I chuckled out loud, looked up to the ceiling and said,"Ok, God, got it." Especially since I had just gotten off the phone with my mate who had just referred to himself as a donkey in a ditch.
Who more deserving that my mate? Who more deserving of help than the person that God has choosen for me? How could I desire to be a godly wife, yet have a deal breaker? The two are incompatible with each other. One cannot be a godly wife or have a union like the one God intended between a husband and a wife if an "everything but" existed in my mind. In a godly marriage, there is no "everything but," instead it's God how can I serve? How can I love more, be more, live more in your light. How can I be the wife you've intended me to be? Help me be more for the mate you have chosen than I could ever be on my own.
One the back of our bills it states, "In God We Trust." Never really paused to give that statement much thought. However, the words are weighty and when considered in this realm, don't leave much to interpretation. It's simple really...In God Will I Trust. Will I trust that this is the man especially created for me? Will I trust that God will not let occur what has happened in my past. Will I give up control of any outcome and trust God's plan, whatever that may be, however or whenever it is revealed to me?
In this there are no shades of grey, it's black and white. Will I or will I not? It's the choice that God always asks us to make. The point where free will comes into play. He unveils some kernel of truth and then sits back to watch which path we'll take.
Time to get my donkey out of his ditch...
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