So, back to the whole excellence thing. As I stated previously, in this concept of excellence is separation. A separation that allowed me to pull back from people. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, this thought of society not ostracizing me, but in fact, me as one who ostracizes. My mind just came up with a quote from the Brat Pack classic Pretty in Pink: "If you put out signals that you don't want to belong, people are going to make sure that you don't." And I did. Sure it was built out of need. The need to protect myself from others. The desire to not feel rejected, hurt, used, abused. Growing up, I'd experienced this through my family and friends, either personally or by association. I just never realized how much of an impact it had. How much of my "excellence" was crafted so that I could keep people at arm's length. So that there would always be a separation. So that the risk of being hurt, etc. by others would become a non-issue.
Of course, this would only last so long. Afterall, we are designed for community, and try as I may as stubborn as I am, I too would begin to feel the need for deeper companionship. And so, I'd crack. I'd climb back down my mountain, and give the guy friend that said he liked me a chance. Afterall, we were friends, don't all great relationships hinge on friendship? It's interesting to note that the major relationships I've been in, not including Jon (Jon was the impetus of this realization), had this in common. My ex's, all three of them, thought the same way about me. They all thought I was amazing, wonderful, intelligent, talented, and exceptional. They all thought themselves to be less...less intelligent, less talented, less confident, less able, less determined in life, and each one of the told me that I make them want to be a better man. And in my lack of experience I took this as a challenge and a compliment. I would help them. Help them be more than they thought they could be! This of course suited me to the tee- I got to be teacher, they the all to willing students.
And to my chagrin, I used this. I used this to distract myself from my own life, what I needed to work on. I was too busy teaching. Too busy teaching him to notice that it was me that needed to be taught. Too busy fixing the "messes" of his life to realize I myself was messed up. Me, messed up, how absurd! I was exceptional! I couldn't possibly be a mess, I was above all that trivial humaness. He was the one that was messed up. He was the one that was average. He was the one that I chose to bring up to my lofty perch. My project so to speak.
Then to add insult to injury, I would become annoyed, frustrated, demanding, even irate, when these poor souls would invariably not live up to my expectations. Expectations of excellence that I'd fostered, watered, and tried to grow in them. Grow in them so that we could be "exceptional" together. And when that realization hit, when I'd come to rock bottom with them, I would pack their bags and send them back down the mountain from whence they came. Back down to squalor, in the valley of average, not even realizing that I was partly to blame. That my own mess had created this joined mess. And this was my standard operating procedure because it was safe. Safe for me, because in the end, when it didn't work out I walked away hurt...hurt, but not annihilated. Truth is truth, but oh how far does this rabbit hole go?? How cruel I have been, how twisted, but yet there's an innocent ignorance in it, I'd guess it's referred to as naivete
Innocence, because I was truthfully never aware that this was what I was doing. Lacking leadership and knowledge of how relationships between men and women flow, and given my experiences growing up, I chose what I thought was right. Chose to be with men that didn't give me the butterflies, didn't necessarily make me swoon on first meeting. I chose this because it was understood at an early age, that if you did choose to go with those kinds of feelings, when it didn't work out, the aftermath would be so intense, the rejection, the pain, the loss of identity.
I was self-protecting...how average of me. Better to have control over your emotions. Better to be the one left standing, than the one needing help up off the ground. Better to not be Lloyd Dobler holding your boombox over your head desperately hoping your love will hear it and come back.
I didn't know how to be vulnerable. Didn't know I was also messed up. Didn't know I hadn't averted the original design. Didn't know that I was like everyone else...average in all the ways that every human is average.
Didn't know until Jon, didn't completely understand until now...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Truth Serum II
I laid awake thinking last night about me- seems to be my favorite topic of thought these days. I try not to view it as completely narcissistic, because the concepts that I'm "chewing on" are universal in nature and not merely centered around me. Currently, I'm struggling with a concept that, until recently, I thought I had figured out. The concept of sameness in humanity.
Before I go off on a tangent, some background information about my original thoughts on this topic. I've never thought we were designed the same. Or actually more to the point, I never thought I was designed the same. As egotistical as that sounds, and I'm becoming more and more aware of just how elitist this thought pattern is, it's the truth. I've always thought sameness applied to others. Always have seen it in others, this status quo mentality, Lemming thought process. I've always rallied against this concept. In fact the worse thing I felt I could ever be in this world is average.
And so, I was determined to be different. I looked at all the Lemmings, the vast landscape of human sameness and ho-hum existence, and began fervently packing a bag for a different destination. I purchased my one-way ticket long ago and never looked back. I traversed mountains, climbing up above the cloud cover and dug out a space where I could sit. And sit I did. I sat and looked down into the valley of sameness, from my exceptional vantage point.
I even tried to help lift others out of sameness. Tried to take people with me, friends, family members, yet in the end they always failed to reach the summit. And so, lacking the endurance to push them up (you can lead a horse to water...), I came to the decision that they were just designed to be like everyone else, and I was just different...exceptional. For whatever reason, I was lucky enough, or more determined, to not be status quo. This used to bother me, used to make me feel isolated, until I just accepted this concept...that I'm not like everyone else, nay, I'm better.
'Tis a difficult thing indeed to think of myself this way, yet I cannot hide from this truth. That was how I reasoned my uniqueness. In this line of thinking, I could keep everyone at arm's length. I could climb down from my mountain and mingle with the locals, but in the end my home was on higher ground. Ugh, how revolting was I? Funny, I never considered myself to be egotistical or elitist. However, I can see now how my line of thinking, my idea that I am different/ unique, has created in me a separation. A separation between the rest of society and me. This separation has built up a considerable amount of pride and ego. A feeling of self-importance, not that my life is more valuable than another, but that I've figured out something that other people hadn't. That I'm more aware of things, more able, more intelligent, more equipped to handle the deeper theories in humanity. That I'm different, and in that difference is excellence.
My ego would like to take this opportunity to point out that I did try to use this excellence to help others excel. However, my mind feels obligated to point out to my ego, that while I was helping others, I was also, in fact, aiding my feelings of self-important, better than you, excellence.
I'm reminded of a recurring statement my parents used to say when I was young,"There's just no getting through to you. I can't tell you anything." It's a bitter thing indeed to look back and see that they could've been right all along. That all this time, all these years, when I thought they just didn't understand...could it all have been me? I have a difficult time thinking it was all me, yet is it true? Ashamedly, it's easy to take on roll of teacher, much more challenging for me to be a student...sigh.
Ugh is this true...is this really true? My inner thought process fights these notions as not plausible. I can't be this way. "It's not what you think!" my ego wails from the corner. You're misunderstanding, I...I haven't explained it well," it's panicking now. Wringing it's hands, it grabs at any past notion it's ever implanted in my brain to try and throw at this new revelation, trying to kill it in it's infancy.
But now that I've seen the truth, reverting seems impossible. After all, it's expensive to change a ticket...and what if there aren't any flights available when I want to return?
Before I go off on a tangent, some background information about my original thoughts on this topic. I've never thought we were designed the same. Or actually more to the point, I never thought I was designed the same. As egotistical as that sounds, and I'm becoming more and more aware of just how elitist this thought pattern is, it's the truth. I've always thought sameness applied to others. Always have seen it in others, this status quo mentality, Lemming thought process. I've always rallied against this concept. In fact the worse thing I felt I could ever be in this world is average.
And so, I was determined to be different. I looked at all the Lemmings, the vast landscape of human sameness and ho-hum existence, and began fervently packing a bag for a different destination. I purchased my one-way ticket long ago and never looked back. I traversed mountains, climbing up above the cloud cover and dug out a space where I could sit. And sit I did. I sat and looked down into the valley of sameness, from my exceptional vantage point.
I even tried to help lift others out of sameness. Tried to take people with me, friends, family members, yet in the end they always failed to reach the summit. And so, lacking the endurance to push them up (you can lead a horse to water...), I came to the decision that they were just designed to be like everyone else, and I was just different...exceptional. For whatever reason, I was lucky enough, or more determined, to not be status quo. This used to bother me, used to make me feel isolated, until I just accepted this concept...that I'm not like everyone else, nay, I'm better.
'Tis a difficult thing indeed to think of myself this way, yet I cannot hide from this truth. That was how I reasoned my uniqueness. In this line of thinking, I could keep everyone at arm's length. I could climb down from my mountain and mingle with the locals, but in the end my home was on higher ground. Ugh, how revolting was I? Funny, I never considered myself to be egotistical or elitist. However, I can see now how my line of thinking, my idea that I am different/ unique, has created in me a separation. A separation between the rest of society and me. This separation has built up a considerable amount of pride and ego. A feeling of self-importance, not that my life is more valuable than another, but that I've figured out something that other people hadn't. That I'm more aware of things, more able, more intelligent, more equipped to handle the deeper theories in humanity. That I'm different, and in that difference is excellence.
My ego would like to take this opportunity to point out that I did try to use this excellence to help others excel. However, my mind feels obligated to point out to my ego, that while I was helping others, I was also, in fact, aiding my feelings of self-important, better than you, excellence.
I'm reminded of a recurring statement my parents used to say when I was young,"There's just no getting through to you. I can't tell you anything." It's a bitter thing indeed to look back and see that they could've been right all along. That all this time, all these years, when I thought they just didn't understand...could it all have been me? I have a difficult time thinking it was all me, yet is it true? Ashamedly, it's easy to take on roll of teacher, much more challenging for me to be a student...sigh.
Ugh is this true...is this really true? My inner thought process fights these notions as not plausible. I can't be this way. "It's not what you think!" my ego wails from the corner. You're misunderstanding, I...I haven't explained it well," it's panicking now. Wringing it's hands, it grabs at any past notion it's ever implanted in my brain to try and throw at this new revelation, trying to kill it in it's infancy.
But now that I've seen the truth, reverting seems impossible. After all, it's expensive to change a ticket...and what if there aren't any flights available when I want to return?
Monday, September 13, 2010
Truth Serum
Sadness pervades every fiber of my being. So many things feel insurmountable today. I am at a loss. I am not good enough, strong enough, wise enough. I cannot hold everything, support everything, I AM FAILING. Failing my brother, my sister-in-law, TJ, Jordyn, friends, loved ones, myself. I am at a loss for what to say, what to do, how to help. I'm a skyscraper in a city of chaos. All around me things are crumbling, falling apart, coming undone. Yet, here I stand trying to stay upright while my foundation is starting to show cracks. Tiny fissures of helplessness and doubt are starting to run across the ceilings in every room, on every floor. The fuses are blowing and I'm unable to keep the lights on. Rooms are starting to go dark. How can I change the reflection in my mirrored facade. How can I make them see?
Oh God, is this the lesson you are trying to teach me? I realize that I've been struggling to come to terms with this in my brain. Wasn't truly aware of this until this moment, right now, funny how I just prayed about this last night...be prepared to get what you ask for. The lesson is this...I will fail, no it's bigger than that...WE will fail....nope bigger than that even....HUMANITY will always fail. Yet even as I write this, as I type this my inner thought process is denouncing this as true. Is that pride? Pride that doesn't want to admit to this failing of humanity. Pride that I cannot do things on my own. Pride and yet again my overabundant supply of independence....
UGH...Is this really true?? Yet even as I question the validity of this theory, I know it to be true. I feel it to be true. Feel it in my innermost being and it saddens me. Saddens not my mind or soul, but my ego. It's my ego that makes me feel dejected. My ego that is making me feel less than right now. Yet even as I know this intellectually, it doesn't lighten the darkness.
However, I cannot go back. I cannot let myself rationalize this truth away, even though it currently fills me with such overwhelming heaviness, sadness, and turmoil. I have to allow this new concept/theory/idea/truth to marinate until I am well with it. I have to sit, I have to wait.
The truth is thus:
I WILL FAIL, I CANNOT DO THINGS ON MY OWN, MY WILL IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH
I do not like this design feature right now. I DO NOT. This is hard for me to swallow.
See but that's the thing. That's what society is always trying to tell us. This lie. This complete fantasy. This utter foolishness, that "we" hold the answers. That "we" have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc. That "we" do it alone. Yes, there is a point that we do have to make decisions, that the choice is in our hands. But look at the track record. If we, meaning humanity, truthfully do have all the power we need to change, create, and help ourselves then why haven't "we" done anything about? What are we waiting for? Is it lack of desire...certainly not. Is it lack of resources; we are more advantaged and have more resources at our fingertips than ever before.
Therefore the only conclusion that can be drawn is that we aren't the answer. We do not hold the absolute power in our lives to effect lasting change. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember! In fact, have told many people that we do have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc., that limits are self-created. While I still believe that we have responsibility and hold some power to inact change, I'm beginning to understand our limits, my limits. and that is humbling. Humbling and scary, yet freeing in other ways...summed up in one very simple statement:
I am human, I have limits...God is infinite, I am not.
Oh God, is this the lesson you are trying to teach me? I realize that I've been struggling to come to terms with this in my brain. Wasn't truly aware of this until this moment, right now, funny how I just prayed about this last night...be prepared to get what you ask for. The lesson is this...I will fail, no it's bigger than that...WE will fail....nope bigger than that even....HUMANITY will always fail. Yet even as I write this, as I type this my inner thought process is denouncing this as true. Is that pride? Pride that doesn't want to admit to this failing of humanity. Pride that I cannot do things on my own. Pride and yet again my overabundant supply of independence....
UGH...Is this really true?? Yet even as I question the validity of this theory, I know it to be true. I feel it to be true. Feel it in my innermost being and it saddens me. Saddens not my mind or soul, but my ego. It's my ego that makes me feel dejected. My ego that is making me feel less than right now. Yet even as I know this intellectually, it doesn't lighten the darkness.
However, I cannot go back. I cannot let myself rationalize this truth away, even though it currently fills me with such overwhelming heaviness, sadness, and turmoil. I have to allow this new concept/theory/idea/truth to marinate until I am well with it. I have to sit, I have to wait.
The truth is thus:
I WILL FAIL, I CANNOT DO THINGS ON MY OWN, MY WILL IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH
I do not like this design feature right now. I DO NOT. This is hard for me to swallow.
See but that's the thing. That's what society is always trying to tell us. This lie. This complete fantasy. This utter foolishness, that "we" hold the answers. That "we" have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc. That "we" do it alone. Yes, there is a point that we do have to make decisions, that the choice is in our hands. But look at the track record. If we, meaning humanity, truthfully do have all the power we need to change, create, and help ourselves then why haven't "we" done anything about? What are we waiting for? Is it lack of desire...certainly not. Is it lack of resources; we are more advantaged and have more resources at our fingertips than ever before.
Therefore the only conclusion that can be drawn is that we aren't the answer. We do not hold the absolute power in our lives to effect lasting change. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember! In fact, have told many people that we do have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc., that limits are self-created. While I still believe that we have responsibility and hold some power to inact change, I'm beginning to understand our limits, my limits. and that is humbling. Humbling and scary, yet freeing in other ways...summed up in one very simple statement:
I am human, I have limits...God is infinite, I am not.
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