My Midnight Visit

I just spent the last few hours at a friend's house listening to the breakdown of her marriage. How nothing seems to be able to be done. How it's not getting better. How he doesn't get it. How he's not willing to go to counseling. How they have the same arguments over and over and over. How it's over.

I'm sitting there feeling overwhelmed. This is above my pay grade. I have no idea what to do, what to say, so I pray. I pray for her. I pray for them. I pray for me. I pray...trying to pray away the loneliness, the pain, the hole inside me, inside them. What is the right course? How can I best help them? What can I possibly offer them if the only option that I have to give them is something that he isn't really willing to do? Why do people stop before exhausting all resources? Why do people have that line that they won't cross? Why do they not stop at nothing. Why?

You are married...this is a non-negotiable. There is no stop, no line, no divide between what you will and won't do to grow. How can you hold back from something that could help? Why will you not "go the extra mile." Why are you fighting? These are all things I wish I could say to him. These are all things that need to be said, challenged. Why are people so protective of themselves when it comes to marriage? What are you protecting yourself from? Your spouse, your pain? How has that been working out for you? Are you or your marriage in a better place than a year ago?

Frustrating for me. So completely frustrating to see when others are blind. Or am I the one blinded? Blinded by hope in something that I've never fully experienced, only felt, that it is possible. Cut short before it had a time to actualize, I am left only with these ideas of what I think our relationship would have been. I have these ideas that Jon and I would have been different. But is this true? Would we have been different? Would we have exhausted everything for our relationship? Would we truly have had no stopping point. No proverbial line drawn in the sand. In truth, I'll never know. But I cling to the hope that this kind of relationship could exist.

If I live my whole life and never find it, that's ok. I will not settle for anything less.

Grey Day

Dear Jon,

Your house is almost complete and I feel no sense of accomplishment. These last few weeks have been arduous, but at least they've offered a distraction. Now that it is coming to an end, I'm left with unrest. Agitated, yet know not how to quell my anger. I'm itching to run, yet can't seem to find my shoes. I'm afraid of the dark, yet can't seem to find the switch. I long for different, yet find myself surrounded by sameness.

My life is a vacuum,and I'm just waiting foot poised on the power button, daring myself to step down and let life take it's course. There is no rhyme or reason to life for me today. No intentions, no direction, just a vast landscape of faults, afflictions, and mountains to climb. I've thrown away my backpack and spare rations. My compass got tangled up in some branches a couple miles back. It's raining, I'm soaked, and I could care less.

I don't want to find my way home...there is no home. Home is just a fallacy we create in our head so that we don't feel alone. So that we, as human, feel connected to one another. I don't need comfort. I don't need connection. I don't need. I don't want. I don't care. I don't...today.

I'M SO DONE

If They Only Knew

Your scent still lingers
Nobody else can tell but me
They all think I'm crazy
They all think I'm creating it out of some need
A need of what?

Comfort?
If they only knew how much it effects me, they would understand

Security?
If they only knew how much I ache, they would understand

Connection?
If they only knew how painful the memory, they would understand

They would understand that your scent doesn't give me anything but grief

An instant reminder of what was and can never be again
Anguished that I'll never see you again
Angered that I'll never be with you again, share with you again

How is this possible?

If they only knew...

Bottom of the 9th

The 9th Sunday. It's the ninth Sunday since I last spoke with you. I can still recite our last conversation. Tonight I found out how quickly you were drawn to me, how much you cared for me, heard the story from someone else's lips. Heard how much you held back so that we could develop a foundation of friendship. I'm so thankful for everything, every way in which you demonstrated how much you cared for me. I always felt so treasured, loved, appreciated, respected, not from what you would say but from what you would do, your actions.

Because of you I have a bar with which to measure...I just wish I didn't have to.

I miss you. I miss us. Tonight, it's raw.

2 Months

I was afraid I was losing you
Afraid that my memories were fading
Not wanting to forget one minute of time, one frame, one expression
To relish in the moments like kids basking in the freedom of summer
Playing them over and over in my mind out of fear

Fear that I would forget
Fear that your importance would lessen
Fear there would be no lasting impact

All because the tears were lessening
Lessening from torrential downpours to dreary drizzle
From rapid waterfalls to bubbling brooks

It was then that light dawned

All that I've been asking for
Prayers for strength, release, answers, direction, peace, faith
The nights spent crying out for help
The mornings weeping at dawn

The storm is running its course

Clarity is beginning to grow
Hope has found it's way into my soul
A new foundation is being built

A voice gently saying
It's ok to let go
Trust in me
Let the fear subside

Surrender

In me you will always remember

What Comes After "I Do"

Tonight I became aware of something that I thought I've already dealt with. I was sitting with a friend exchanging thoughts about life and suddenly it slapped me across the face. This fear that I didn't think was an issue anymore. This fear that I thought I had put to bed. This fear of marriage and lifelong commitment.

It's easy to see why I would fear it. I'm surrounded by marriages in different states of chaos and dysfunction, not to mention my own encounter with it, so it's understandable that I would be wary of sharing my life with someone in matrimony. It's scary to witness and even scarier to think that none of this was evident when the words "I DO" were shared. When these people promised to love and cherish each other for eternity they didn't know what they were entering into. The issues didn't come up until after they were married. After they walked the isle, changed names and now they were stuck. I was stuck. Stuck in a marriage more terrifying and unfulfilling than being alone. And here's the real question, if they knew then what they know now, would they still get married?

I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I've lived it. The constant arguing both with your partner and yourself. The loss of self respect, dignity, pride. The loss of love, hope, dreams. Deep feelings of sorrow, regret, anger, resentment...I've had them all. I've had them all and have worked diligently to overcome them. Would I ever want to risk putting myself in a situation where the same things could happen again?

With Jon, everything felt different, right, smooth. Everything felt grounded, supported by each other like a solid foundation supports a house. I had a visualization in my head of what our marriage would look like. It would not be ordinary. It would not be nights of lack luster conversations or tension filled meals at the dinner table. It would not be built on hiding truths or fear of exposing issues. It would have been filled with joy, respect, laughter, and partnership. A deep understanding of one another and a willingness to work together in order to make our marriage stronger.

There seems to be an epidemic in this country. An epidemic so contagious that it seems to be multiplying more rapidly each day. There seems to be a shortage of people willing to die. By dying I don't mean death, I mean surrender. While people take vows of love, honor, and respect when they marry, it seems that somewhere along the line these vows get forgotten. Somehow barriers are constructed whereby husbands and wives vow they will do anything for their mate...anything but "that." This lack of selflessness is the virus that is being spread in our society. It's not always verbalized, this silent deal breaker, but if you look hard enough you can find it. It's hiding among the arguments and petty disagreements. The inability to see the other person's viewpoint. The tone that is used. It's found in the choices that couples make and the way in which they keep track of things to make sure that everything is equal. Selflessness is an attribute that is so necessary for a successful marriage. Without it, individuals are always striving for what is best for him/herself. The need to put oneself first will supersede the partner. Even if it appears that they are doing something for their partner, there will be an agenda behind the action.

Is this what marriage becomes? A power struggle to see who gives up the least? A partnership more incongruous than business partners yet somehow existing and living under the same roof? How did a unity so sacred that it serves as an example of the unison of Father and Son evolve into this? How did it go astray?

To have a successful marriage you must have the desire to do anything in order to improve the marriage! Possess the ability to die to yourself so that there can become a stronger union. This is the breaking point that most people aren't capable of crossing- this ability to be selfless and submit to what needs to be done.

There isn't an even trade when it comes to marriage. It's not about equality...it's about partnership.

Surreal

The key feels heavy in my hand as I walk to the door. I pause and turn the key in the lock, opening your door, still wishing you were on the other side. I am greeted by your scent. It permeates the air, like lilacs on a warm summer evening. Thick, heady, I breathe deeply as tears start to roll down my face. I drop my bag and feel the carpet between my fingers as I crumble onto the floor. It takes a moment to realize that the voice shattering the silence is my own.

I don't even recognize the sound of my own sorrow.

Open Door

Hallway of my life
Doors line the walls
So many choices
Looking for the light behind to illuminate
Which one to open

Knobs of heavy brass, cold in my grip

I step back, hesitate

It's not time to decide

It's time to wait

Cleaning House

Dear Jon,

Your family arrived a couple days ago and we have begun the task of cleaning out your house. The home of my memories is now starting to look like a house. The group came yesterday and we had a movie night. You would've loved seeing the whole group and your family cozily watching a movie downstairs. I so wish you would've been there. In fact, I kept expecting you to walk through the house at any moment, kept expecting to hear your footsteps down the stairs, kept expecting you to sit down next to me, and wrap your arm around my shoulders...but you never did.

And you should be here. There is still a part of me that cannot believe that this is happening. I'm helping your family sort through your stuff, and yet it doesn't seem real. I keep thinking that maybe we're just sorting through stuff because we're joining households, or you decided to have a garage sale. I keep thinking that you're just going to walk through the door, cross the room and give me a hug hello. How I long for your return, and yet know that's not possible.

I never realized that you could miss someone so tangibly with all of your being. I never knew that you could long for someone so much that you think you can bring them back by sheer will, thoughts, and determination.

WE FEEL CHEATED! All of us. The whole family. Cheated. Cheated that we don't get to see you and me together. Cheated that there will be no wedding. Cheated that there won't be any children to witness you as a father. CHEATED that we found the person that we wanted to be with, connect with, live out our lives with. Why would this happen? Why, when everyone was praying that Jon would find his mate and marry, would it end before completion?

I can't stop having images of the future in my head. They play through my mind like a movie. A future that isn't going to happen, can't happen, because you're not here. I don't even have to close my eyes to see us together. On Thursday, before your family arrived, I was walking around upstairs, and it was as if your house was now our house. I was just prepping for your family's visit, making up the guest rooms, and you were downstairs making dinner. After we were finished, we would convene to the couch and cuddle up and chat about our day, or your family coming to town. Why can't this be the case?

A week. That's all the time I have left to be in your house. A week. Your family leaves on Friday. After Friday, your house will be empty, barren. It no longer even smells like you. The couches where we spent so much time talking are now sitting in the garage awaiting donation. The kitchen table where I sat and watched you cook me dinner the Saturday night before you died is now back to its rightful owner. They CD of the symphony we listened to that Saturday is now laying in a box marked "Les." Everything, all of it, will be gone.

My memories of us are all that's going to be left, and I hate it. I beyond hate it! I hate that there will be no more late night chats cuddling up on the couch. No more movie nights sharing the same blanket. No more watching you cook. No more drives through Horsetooth. No more evenings at the symphony or watching hockey fights on center ice. No more bike rides together in the rain. No more witty puns. No more us!!

It's beyond difficult to surrender to this, to wrap my head around this! I'm not fighting it, it so difficult. I cry often and without warning. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I drove home last night, contemplating pulling over, because I was sobbing so hard that I didn't know if I should be driving at the same time. It hurts. It hurts so bad at times that it actually feels like my heart is breaking. I actually feel physical pain.

Oh Jon, why couldn't you have lived? Why did you have to go? Why? Why? WHY! The unfairness of your death is so hard to fight! I can't believe that we didn't get more time. More time to enjoy what we had both finally found. This just can't be happening. It can't! There's been some mistake.

Why was it necessary for you to go?