Preponderance

I've become aware of a certain amount of egotism and egoism at work. I can see it in a myriad of ways. Freud would say that it is a necessary part of the human psyche, however, ironically it seems, I thought that it was something that I didn't struggle with...a ruse no doubt created by that which I didn't think I had in order to continue to persevere. (This I find extremely amusing, how very clever indeed.) Over the years it has laid the foundations of numerous labels, identities, etc. which I put my effort, my faith, and attempted to live my life in. The following is a brief list:

• An individual
• An opera singer
• A chef's wife
• A stepmother
• An artist
• A writer
• An intellectual
• A good person
• A bad person
• A married person
• A divorced person
• A fighter
• A feminist
• A transcendentalist
• An athlete
• The "strong" woman
• The anarchist
• The poet
• An equal
• A partner
• A misfit

But am I any of these? Am I anything except a soul, an energy, a body, brain, atoms, molecules? And the rest? All the rest created from within, from society, from experience, from an egotistical necessity to set myself apart from all others-to make me different, important, special, unique. To make me matter.

New Concept

I've never dated. Sure, I've gone out on dates, and such, but I've never really dated a person. You know, spent hours getting to know someone and slowly spending more time with them, but not entering into a relationship. How do people do this and still maintain enough distance to not get too attached? Will it end up that one person will inevitably get hurt? And will that one person be me? I have no idea how to do this adult dating thing. I guess I'm still stuck in my youth in this department, focusing on one person at a time, rather than getting to know multiple people and not entering into something romantic. Or maybe what I call hanging out is dating, it's just that I equate that with my tomboy youth and think it's still just friends getting together.

I must admit that it's a confusing concept for me. I'm hoping for clarity, understanding, and am thankful for the opportunity to grow in this way.

All By Myself

I don't fit in...that's the feeling I get every time I've been out here with a group of people at night. I simply just do not fit in. At first I was ok with standing out, being the girl from Chicago. But now, it's just getting lonely. I feel people staring at me all the time, but nobody ever approaches to say HI. They just stare at me, like I'm the newest exhibit at the zoo, all colorful clothing, heels, and sparkly jewelry. My humor isn't understood, my style is weird, my opinions and beliefs are met with surprise, and somehow much of what I say seems to be interpreted incorrectly. I've never felt more self-conscious, more alone, or more ostricized.

I have become that kid picked last in gym class...