Surreal

The key feels heavy in my hand as I walk to the door. I pause and turn the key in the lock, opening your door, still wishing you were on the other side. I am greeted by your scent. It permeates the air, like lilacs on a warm summer evening. Thick, heady, I breathe deeply as tears start to roll down my face. I drop my bag and feel the carpet between my fingers as I crumble onto the floor. It takes a moment to realize that the voice shattering the silence is my own.

I don't even recognize the sound of my own sorrow.

Open Door

Hallway of my life
Doors line the walls
So many choices
Looking for the light behind to illuminate
Which one to open

Knobs of heavy brass, cold in my grip

I step back, hesitate

It's not time to decide

It's time to wait

Cleaning House

Dear Jon,

Your family arrived a couple days ago and we have begun the task of cleaning out your house. The home of my memories is now starting to look like a house. The group came yesterday and we had a movie night. You would've loved seeing the whole group and your family cozily watching a movie downstairs. I so wish you would've been there. In fact, I kept expecting you to walk through the house at any moment, kept expecting to hear your footsteps down the stairs, kept expecting you to sit down next to me, and wrap your arm around my shoulders...but you never did.

And you should be here. There is still a part of me that cannot believe that this is happening. I'm helping your family sort through your stuff, and yet it doesn't seem real. I keep thinking that maybe we're just sorting through stuff because we're joining households, or you decided to have a garage sale. I keep thinking that you're just going to walk through the door, cross the room and give me a hug hello. How I long for your return, and yet know that's not possible.

I never realized that you could miss someone so tangibly with all of your being. I never knew that you could long for someone so much that you think you can bring them back by sheer will, thoughts, and determination.

WE FEEL CHEATED! All of us. The whole family. Cheated. Cheated that we don't get to see you and me together. Cheated that there will be no wedding. Cheated that there won't be any children to witness you as a father. CHEATED that we found the person that we wanted to be with, connect with, live out our lives with. Why would this happen? Why, when everyone was praying that Jon would find his mate and marry, would it end before completion?

I can't stop having images of the future in my head. They play through my mind like a movie. A future that isn't going to happen, can't happen, because you're not here. I don't even have to close my eyes to see us together. On Thursday, before your family arrived, I was walking around upstairs, and it was as if your house was now our house. I was just prepping for your family's visit, making up the guest rooms, and you were downstairs making dinner. After we were finished, we would convene to the couch and cuddle up and chat about our day, or your family coming to town. Why can't this be the case?

A week. That's all the time I have left to be in your house. A week. Your family leaves on Friday. After Friday, your house will be empty, barren. It no longer even smells like you. The couches where we spent so much time talking are now sitting in the garage awaiting donation. The kitchen table where I sat and watched you cook me dinner the Saturday night before you died is now back to its rightful owner. They CD of the symphony we listened to that Saturday is now laying in a box marked "Les." Everything, all of it, will be gone.

My memories of us are all that's going to be left, and I hate it. I beyond hate it! I hate that there will be no more late night chats cuddling up on the couch. No more movie nights sharing the same blanket. No more watching you cook. No more drives through Horsetooth. No more evenings at the symphony or watching hockey fights on center ice. No more bike rides together in the rain. No more witty puns. No more us!!

It's beyond difficult to surrender to this, to wrap my head around this! I'm not fighting it, it so difficult. I cry often and without warning. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I drove home last night, contemplating pulling over, because I was sobbing so hard that I didn't know if I should be driving at the same time. It hurts. It hurts so bad at times that it actually feels like my heart is breaking. I actually feel physical pain.

Oh Jon, why couldn't you have lived? Why did you have to go? Why? Why? WHY! The unfairness of your death is so hard to fight! I can't believe that we didn't get more time. More time to enjoy what we had both finally found. This just can't be happening. It can't! There's been some mistake.

Why was it necessary for you to go?

Old Town

I went out tonight for the first time since Jon passed. We went out to old town, got dressed up and walked around enjoying the summer night. I wore a dress that I bought in the spring with hopes of wearing it on a warm summer date night. All around me were memories. It was as if I was walking through a dream.

Every where we went I could close my eyes and invision us walking arm in arm. Down this street is the coffee shop where we used to drink lattes and talk. Here is the art gallery where you found out about our shared loved of photography and you spoke of the summer when we could grab a couple of your cameras and hike up into the mountains. These are the sidewalks were I taught you what side you should walk on. There is the bench where we sat and debated for hours.

This town is too small for our memories. Every piece of the landscape, everything reminds me of you. It's so painful to walk your past in the present when presently you can no longer create memories like the past.

I know I shouldn't make any big decisions for awhile, but tonight leaves me wondering how long I should stay? I'm not sure this town is big enough to create a new future without marring it with constant reminders of the past.

Chess

Last night it hit me again
Anger, anguish, animosity
At God, at life, at myself
Didn't I deserve this happiness, didn't he?

Is my life a trivial game of chess?
Devil and God on opposites sides of my board.
Moving my pieces, sharing small talk as they play...
Is there a strategy?
Does God have a trick up his sleeve?
Is it Checkmate in three moves?

How I wish to make meaning out of the last moves.
I fail to understand the game, somehow I've lost the playbook.
I'm down to pawns, racing to the other side.
Each move getting closer.
Hoping to reach the last square on the board.

Not sure what to ask for
Not sure how to win
Looking for guidance
Looking for a sign
Looking for a way out of confusion

Praying my pawns will prevail...

Sand

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Practically weightless in my hand
Falling, sifting between my fingers
Bouncing down onto the shiny surface
Deafening all other sounds, except the breaking of my heart, the sobbing of my soul

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Final resting place on wood
Don't want to watch
Can't avert my eyes
Reality sounds hollow

Coarse, rough, texture
Grey, brown, color

Mixing with my tears
Etched into my memory
Can't believe it's real
Must be dreaming

Coarse, rough texture
Grey, brown, color

A measure of time
The hourglass has emptied
This moment stands frozen
As the glass is flipped

Miscreants

Be thankful that you are still alive.
Still able to waste your life complaining, creating obstacles.
Pondering the uselessness of your own mortality
Posturing about your own self worth
Laughing at the gifts that were so bestowed upon you.

YOU MAKE ME CRINGE!

How lucky you are that I do not make the decision
How fortunate that I do not hold the title to your soul
You waste of oxygen
You disgrace to your benefactor

Had I the power to enact change, I would trade your life for another
This is why you are left, while others are gone
You have still so much more to learn
Your judge ever patient, ever hoping, that you will begin to see

How I wish I could lift the veil obstructing your view