Bike Ride

I took my niece on her first bike ride today.
Handlebar streamers blowing in the wind,
Balance unsteady as she weaved her way down the street.
"Stay out of the middle of the road," I keep hearing myself repeating.
Her long legs pumping with the effort, she weaves back towards safety.
The breeze picks up and soon we are biking through cottonwood snow.
It floats by lazily, the fluffy little bunches dancing in the breeze.
She has faced her fear of biking today.
I think of you and tell her that Uncle Jon would be so proud.
She thinks you can see us biking.
I hope she's right.

Today

Today I'm sad. Today I struggle. Today I'm mad. Part of me is so mad that I am going through this sadness, this grief. It's a dichotomy inside of me. Where one part of me is so thankful that I moved here and met you, the other side of me is SCREAMING MAD at the pain that I am going through.

I HATE THIS!!!! I HATE THIS!!! Part of me HATES YOU!! Hates you for leaving me here with all these possibilities that will now go unfulfilled. I hate me for giving in and becoming close to you And yet, even as I type this I know that this isn't true. That this is the pain talking. I know that I don't hate you or me. I know that I LOVED the time that we spent together and will cherish it always. The impact you have had on my life will be forever. Us has changed me.

So thankful for that....but feel so completely cheated. I DESERVED MORE TIME DAMMIT!!!! We both did. The unfairness of this situation is unbearable to me at the present moment. I CANNOT BE ZEN ABOUT THIS!! I WANT A REASON! I WANT AN EXPLANATION!

I want you here, alive, with me. I want it with every fiber of my being You and I talking on my couch until 2 in the morning. Drinking Green Tea Chai Lattes and walking arm in arm, so comfortable, so at ease. You debating with me, your arms outstretched as you make your points. Us laughing at our corny puns and lame jokes. Us biking in the rain, laughing, swinging on the park bench. Me watching you cook me dinner. Our late night drive through Horsetooth, looking down at the lights of Fort Collins, talking about the "big" things in life, I want it all and more. I wanted a lifetime, and got months.

What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to heal? It's not fair.

I hate today.

Sunny

Today I wake without tears.
The sunrise streams in through my window, my gentle alarm clock.
I roll over and curl up under the covers, not wanting to face the day quite yet.

Then I hear the birds chirping and footsteps overhead...sounds of life.
Even through the pain, even though I feel heavy laden...there is still life.

The sun still shines
The wind dances on the grass and twirls through the leaves.
Life is still thriving, while I just exist

I fight to put one foot in front of the other.
Soon I'm walking through another day.

Soon I will be running again.
The path will be different - I will be different.

But I bet the sun will shine on this road too.

2 Weeks

Two weeks have passed since we walked arm in arm.

Down by the river, I showed you my favorite color of sky,

Midnight blue with navy velvet, lush, soft, and warm...inviting us in.

Your arm around my shoulders we sat on the bank by an old tree

And watched the rippling river current wash over the waterway,

And talked about life as the wind blew our voices into the night.

Two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, Yet it hurts today.

Bruise

There's a bruise on my calf from our last bike ride,
It appeared the day after you died.
All black and yellow, painful to the touch,
I remember being surprised when I found it.

This large, ugly, angry mass on my inner calf,
And then I remembered the rain, the ride, my fall, our laughter.
(Your hands in mine as you helped me up.)

It's been over a week now and the bruise has softened somewhat.
No longer angry and black,
It's edges confusing and blending into one huge dark chocolate blob on my calf.
It's no longer painful unless pressed really hard.
Every once in awhile I squeeze it to see if it still hurts.
The reaction is slowly becoming less and less.

I know eventually that the huge bruise on my calf will become non-existent
It will heal and the purplish mark will meld back into my skin.
I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my bruise
Sometimes it feels like forever, and sometimes it seems I'm still falling.

I worry what will be left after the bruise goes away.
Will I forget it was even there?
Will I long for its return?
Will I be scared to ride again?

I know bruises heal in their own time...
I wonder how long it will take.

I'm not ready for it to be gone.

A Week and Two Days

There's a pit in my stomach. Sickly, nauseating, churning, pit in my stomach. A feeling reminiscent of my first time in summer camp away from my parents. Homesickness. I haven't felt it in years. I've spent the morning keeping myself busy with the mundane tasks of laundry and cleaning, trying to pick up where I left off over a week ago. Over a week ago, when you were still alive and my mind danced around ideas of future plans, awaiting the next time I would get to hear your voice or see you again.

Now, there's this pit in my stomach that makes swallowing difficult. This pit in my stomach that has me gasping for air as the tears stream down my face. The sadness comes in waves and crashes in without warning. Although I know all the intellectual and spiritual arguments I am still that little girl yearning for her home afraid of: the dark, the quiet, the stillness, when loneliness creeps it's way into my camp. My mind still angry, throws itself on the floor screaming, "I won't believe it! It's not fair!!!" beating it's fists on the floor. "How is this possible!!!"

Pushing through seems impossible, yet I try to remind myself that this sadness will become less and less and that somehow, someway this is all part of The Plan. The problem is what will I be left with? What am I supposed to do with all of this? I wish I somehow knew what would be at the end of this. Why must I endure this? Why take away this gift?

It is inconceivable to me that you are gone. The sadness is beyond any words created to express it. All I have is this pit in my stomach, my memories of you, and my hope in faith that somehow this will all make sense someday.

Someday when I am no longer homesick for you.

Inconceivable

Pain...What is Pain?
Pain is proof of love's existence.
It is the evidence of shared experiences.
The expression of the intangible,
The tears of laughter,
The duration of time,
The depth of connection,
The strength of the bond,
The warmth of the embrace,
The joy in the smiles,
The answer to possibilities.