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I long for oneness with my city
Yearn for the clatter of the L
The cacophony of sound as it rushes overhead
Drowning out everything in its pass

In the city, pain is commonplace.
Found in the jiggling cups of the panhandlers
Read on the signs at the intersections
Heard late at night as sirens scream into the darkness....
RESCUE ME!!

In the city, anonymity is commonplace.
Found in the lack of greetings
Read on the faces of passersby
Heard in the exchanges of close friends

Pain and anonymity are accepted as openly as alternative lifestyles
They aren't hidden behind closed doors
They aren't lurking in the shadows
They aren't camouflaged with mountain views and sunshine

They don't attack me, don't catch me sleeping
In the city, I'm always on guard
Always concerned for my safety
Always aware of my surroundings

The city is not what I need to be wary of, everything is known
Here everything is uncertain, unclear, unchartered

I long for my city with its well known paths of pain and suffering
How often have I negotiated myself through its streets coming out without a scrape
I know which busses to ride, which trains to avoid
Here I get lost going around the block
Here a homeless man surprises me at my car

I know not what to avoid
I know nothing of the streets
Beautiful sunshine turns to rain
Manicured streets lead to dark alleys

Why did you bring me here?
Why did you cast me off into the unknown, without a word of caution?
How long will these memories carry on their assault?

Fighting the temptation to run....the city beckons
Finding it difficult to turn my back...she's been such a good friend.

Insomnia Round Two

Incompatibility.  When it comes to relationships...how much is too much?  I've always felt that incompatibility is one of the warning signs that goes un-heeded.  If the person you are with is "the one" then why would there be incompatibilities or issues?  Discourse I understand, little disagreements, to be expected.  But incompatibilities?  Do they belong, or more to the point, are they found in healthy, normal relationships?  Just as important...Do I carry some misconceptions of what love is, how it works?  Is my viewpoint of love based on idealistic child-like notions?

I admit I do not know.  Not because I haven't had issues of contention in my relationships, but because I haven't really had a healthy relationship.  How sad is that?  I'm 33 and my only healthy example of what a relationship could be was over before it really had a chance to get off the ground.  And all around most of what I see are relationships in varying degrees of dysfunction, chock full of incompatibilities, issues, problems.  Do they stem from not heeding the caution light as they drove by in their love mobile?  What is the cause and effect?  Do these couples have such issues in their marriages/relationships because they didn't recognize the non-congruency of their partners? 

I mean for me and my past, I would say that I definitely blew-off the warnings.  And why did I do that?  Was is love, or just the idea of it?  There were warnings signs as loud as sirens, and I chose to ignore.  The end result was divorce, pain, and very unfulfilled relationships that have left me with my share of baggage to claim, not the least of which being fear.  Fear that I wouldn't heed warning signs now and make a wrong choice...again.  Unfortunately now it appears that those warning signs, so clear before, are now clouded with this very tangible fear.  How do I discern between what is real and what is fear motivated?  How can I tell if the warning sign that is flashing is legit and not just based out of fear of duplicating the same mistakes?

And how does incompatibility fit in this thing called love?  I'm sure it is infantile to think that the one you're supposed to be with would be completely compatible with you, yet somehow that is in my brain.  Somehow through all the experiences I've had it's been programmed that incompatibility = wrong choice.  Am I really fit to be in a relationship?

And what of love as a choice?  Many people have mentioned this viewpoint of love.  I must admit that I've never shared this opinion, and it's still difficult for me to comprehend.  I've always felt that love is a feeling, an overwhelming feeling/response for another human being with no earthly explanation.  Loving someone isn't a choice one gets to make, however you can choose whether or not to be with that person based on intellectual findings.   The actual act of falling in love and being married is not so much a choice but rather something that occurs that you just can't do without.  Is this a naive view of love?
 
To be honest, the people that I've heard speak of it as a choice are all Christian, which leaves me wondering if that has something to do with it.  Or are these individuals more mature in these matters than I, or do I simply have an unrealistic ideal of what love truly is?  If this turns out to be true, what a sad day indeed.  My whole world would be turned topsy-turvy, and I would have to somehow come to an understanding in my mind that the ideas surrounding love, marriage, etc were all based in fantasy, in fairytale.  Ugh, difficult to grasp, but nevertheless important to discern.  I mean is love really just about picking someone that you're the most compatible with and then that's it?  Is there really nothing cosmic/spiritual about it?  Depressing for me to think of love in these terms, but should probably spend some time in contemplation.

And if  incompatibility exists in a healthy, normal relationship...how do you know when you've found the right one?  How do you come to some sort of working framework for these issues?  Is this what makes so many marriages mediocre?  Or have people picked the wrong person to marry, thus resulting in a mediocre marriage?  For me when something comes up that seems insurmountable or a point of serious contention, it takes all my will power not to just shut down completely and run for the hills.  The fear of making the same mistake is so powerful that it could inhibit any chance of rational thinking. 

And how is it that you can think someone is the one for you, but then have issues?  How can the one for you be a person that you have issues with?  How can you be so in love with someone one minute and the next you're worrying about whether or not the issue just unveiled is a warning sign you should heed?  How can you tell? 

How can you tell when you've loved before and it's gone so terribly wrong?  How can you trust love?  How can you trust that feeling when that feeling has lead you down some terribly rough and bumpy roads with detours so confusing you didn't think you'd ever make it out?  And now that I am out...am I what some refer to as damaged goods?  I didn't quite understand that concept when it was said to me 6 years ago, however, it feels more true than ever now.  Am I, after all the time, effort, and pain that I've walked through to deal with my divorce and understand the whys behind my decisions; am I still just damaged goods?  Have I really just followed the detour signs and made a complete circle, ending back where I started?  

It feels that way.

And if that is the case, then what of a mate?  What could I possibly offer a potential mate, except deep seated insecurity and uncertainty that I'm making the right decision.  Why put anyone through that?  Would it be better to protect others from myself?  Perhaps that would be the wise thing to do in this situation. 

Would anyone be the right decision if in my current way of thinking, the right person wouldn't be incompatible in anyway.  Doesn't sound plausible to me, after all, we are human.  Yet, if that is the case, then why do I fight against that logic?  Is my thinking really unrealistic?  And if it is, which I'm thinking that it probably is, then where do you draw the line?  Where is the incompatibility limit?  How can you be sure the person you think you're in love with is the person God intended you to be with?  How can you be sure you're not just trying to make it work out of your feelings of love for one another?  And here's the kicker...how can you be all-in, buying little gifts, planning life, excited about visits, contemplating uprooting your life-and then suddenly doubting everything?  Is fear really that powerful?  Is it really that powerful with nothing tangible behind it?

I know this is where people will say, trust.  Ask for guidance.  I am asking.  My issue with this is, how can I trust that what I think is the right course, what God intends and not me/human trying to make it work?  How can I trust, when I thought I was right before?  The little voice inside my head is now saying, "Yes you thought you were right, but you never asked.  You never took a meeting with God about these things before...never gave God a memo."  Very true, but how can I trust that what I think is of God is really of God?

How can love and fear exist is the same space?  How can one be just as powerful as the other so as to confuse and cloud reason and judgement; so as to completely unravel and knock your sense of stability and rightness completely off its feet?  How can you feel so right and sure and then so wrong and uncertain, all within the same 24-hour period?   Ugh, fear and doubt are evil things indeed. 

Can a conversation and fear do this or am I just this screwed up?  If it is the latter, if I really am just this screwed up, as horrible as that truth would be, as heart rendering as it would be to leave...I would.  I would do it to spare the one I love any pain, hurt, damage, that I would inflict.  I would go in the hopes that he would find a mate less damaged and more compatible/functional than I.  I don't like the idea of me being irreversibly screwed up, but nevertheless need to open myself up to this possibility.  Life contains causality.  There are ramifications or consequences for previous decisions.  Who am I to make another person suffer because of my disobedient choices?

My heart is heavy with this knowledge and what it may mean.  My soul hurts every time I contemplate the possibility of non-we.  But I would, I would do it for him.  Surely that must be love.  UGH...this thought process is so tiring and bewildering.

I HATE THIS BATTLE...HATE THAT THIS ISSUE HAUNTS ME.

Everything But

In my previous postings about marriage and such I have written that I feel that couples, while speaking vows, still in the back of their mind have a stopping point, or a no tresspassing point.  Like they agree to everything, but with an exception, a but clause.  I wrote how dissappointed I was that it seems that I was surrounded by this kind of example of marriage, and how I didn't want that kind of marriage/relationship if I were to have one.

What I didn't realize is how much I thought like this.  How much I put up a barrier, wall, "deal breaker."  I would look at a person and think well yes he is good in all these ways, but what about this?  Look at what he did or didn't do in this situation, look how he treated or responded in this circumstance.  After carefully analyzing the event, I would then procede accordingly.  Either ending the relationship, or chastising the behavior.  In these cases I felt completely and totally justified.  Felt that the "he" that I happened to be with at the time had let me down, wasn't strong enough to be with me, or just wasn't the right person for me, etc.  I felt relief that I had found and figured this out before too much time had gone by, like I was just looking for the reason, the incident that would seal the fate of our relationship.  Looking back, I see now why I was doing this....fear is a very powerful motivator.

Out of fear of the unknown.  Out of fear of ending up like my previous marriage.  Out of fear or being hurt, let down, or waking up one day only to realize I chose wrongly again.  Out of fear I decided that once I found out some little way in which "he" didn't measure to my standards it meant that he wasn't the right guy for me.  It meant that I wasn't supposed to be with him, that I couldn't trust our relationship, that he was taking me for granted, and that he had to fix these inequities on his own.  I was so afraid to step in and help for fear that our relationship would turn into me doing everything, while he just went along for the ride.  I was also afraid that it meant that he didn't care enough about us to conquor and wasn't strong enough on his own, that he wasn't whole, that he wasn't capable.  Didn't realize until this morning that this had become my "everything but."

Didn't realize that this message was playing in my head...yes of course I'll love you, yes of course I'll do nice things for you, fold your laundry, cook you dinner....little things that didn't require much of me, didn't fall into my expectation categories.  I'll be more than happy to do these things for you hun...but don't ask me to do that.   Don't ask me to pull you out of your funk, don't ask me to sort out your life stuff, don't lean on me, don't ask me to work on things that you've been putting off...don't ask me for help in things that I believe you should do on own.  I'll do anything else...everything....but that.

Because that for me triggers all kinds of questions and insecurities.  That for me makes me think that this realtionship will not survive.  That for me makes me think that you are incapable of structuring and running your life and that I will become your mother, for lack of a better term.  That for me fills me with fears of duplicating my past.  And that fear makes me want to run.  That fear makes me want to pack it in and part with whatever dignity I have left.  That fear makes me question my choice of mate yet again and brings everyting into question.  Did God choose this or am I just making this relationship work in my mind, when it's not what God intended? Why would God want this for me?

So I prayed.  I prayed for direction, guidance, trust.  I prayed that God would take these fears away and would show me what I needed to see, would help me be the wife I needed to be.  Would settle my mind and calm this storm inside my head.  I prayed and prayed...and this morning God answered.  I was sitting in my car driving to church this morning and he began his answer...starting with, if the tables were reversed my mate would help in whatever way he could.  Dawn began a faint ascent in my mind.

Then I got to church and during the message that pastor talked about why we help one another as Christians.  The first being gratitude/thankfulness to God for all the ways in which He has blessed our lives.  The second reason was obedience.  It was during this explanation that the pastor quoted Deuteronomy 22:4 "If you see your neighbor's ox or donkey lying on the road, do not look the other way.  Go and help your neighbor get it to its feet!" And Provers 3:27 and 14:21a, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help.  It's criminal to ignore a neighbor in need..."  It was during this time in the service that I chuckled out loud, looked up to the ceiling and said,"Ok, God, got it."  Especially since I had just gotten off the phone with my mate who had just referred to himself as a donkey in a ditch.

Who more deserving that my mate?  Who more deserving of help than the person that God has choosen for me?  How could I desire to be a godly wife, yet have a deal breaker?  The two are incompatible with each other.  One cannot be a godly wife or have a union like the one God intended between a husband and a wife if an "everything but" existed in my mind.  In a godly marriage, there is no "everything but," instead it's God how can I serve?  How can I love more, be more, live more in your light.  How can I be the wife you've intended me to be?  Help me be more for the mate you have chosen than I could ever be on my own.

One the back of our bills it states, "In God We Trust."  Never really paused to give that statement much thought.  However, the words are weighty and when considered in this realm, don't leave much to interpretation.  It's simple really...In God Will I Trust.  Will I trust that this is the man especially created for me?  Will I trust that God will not let occur what has happened in my past.  Will I give up control of any outcome and trust God's plan, whatever that may be, however or whenever it is revealed to me?

In this there are no shades of grey, it's black and white.  Will I or will I not?  It's the choice that God always asks us to make.  The point where free will comes into play.  He unveils some kernel of truth and then sits back to watch which path we'll take.

Time to get my donkey out of his ditch...

Truth Serum III

So, back to the whole excellence thing. As I stated previously, in this concept of excellence is separation. A separation that allowed me to pull back from people. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, this thought of society not ostracizing me, but in fact, me as one who ostracizes. My mind just came up with a quote from the Brat Pack classic Pretty in Pink: "If you put out signals that you don't want to belong, people are going to make sure that you don't." And I did. Sure it was built out of need. The need to protect myself from others. The desire to not feel rejected, hurt, used, abused. Growing up, I'd experienced this through my family and friends, either personally or by association. I just never realized how much of an impact it had. How much of my "excellence" was crafted so that I could keep people at arm's length. So that there would always be a separation. So that the risk of being hurt, etc. by others would become a non-issue.

Of course, this would only last so long.  Afterall, we are designed for community, and try as I may as stubborn as I am, I too would begin to feel the need for deeper companionship. And so, I'd crack. I'd climb back down my mountain, and give the guy friend that said he liked me a chance.  Afterall, we were friends, don't all great relationships hinge on friendship?  It's interesting to note that the major relationships I've been in, not including Jon (Jon was the impetus of this realization), had this in common. My ex's, all three of them, thought the same way about me.  They all thought I was amazing, wonderful, intelligent, talented, and exceptional.  They all thought themselves to be less...less intelligent, less talented, less confident, less able, less determined in life, and each one of the told me that I make them want to be a better man.  And in my lack of experience I took this as a challenge and a compliment.  I would help them.  Help them be more than they thought they could be!  This of course suited me to the tee- I got to be teacher, they the all to willing students. 

And to my chagrin, I used this.  I used this to distract myself from my own life, what I needed to work on.  I was too busy teaching.  Too busy teaching him to notice that it was me that needed to be taught.  Too busy fixing the "messes" of his life to realize I myself was messed up.  Me, messed up, how absurd!  I was exceptional! I couldn't possibly be a mess, I was above all that trivial humaness.  He was the one that was messed up.  He was the one that was average.  He was the one that I chose to bring up to my lofty perch.  My project so to speak. 

Then to add insult to injury, I would become annoyed, frustrated, demanding, even irate, when these poor souls would invariably not live up to my expectations.  Expectations of excellence that I'd fostered, watered, and tried to grow in them.  Grow in them so that we could be "exceptional" together.  And when that realization hit, when I'd come to rock bottom with them, I would pack their bags and send them back down the mountain from whence they came.  Back down to squalor, in the valley of average, not even realizing that I was partly to blame.  That my own mess had created this joined mess.  And this was my standard operating procedure because it was safe. Safe for me, because in the end, when it didn't work out I walked away hurt...hurt, but not annihilated.  Truth is truth, but oh how far does this rabbit hole go??  How cruel I have been, how twisted, but yet there's an innocent ignorance in it, I'd guess it's referred to as naivete 

Innocence, because I was truthfully never aware that this was what I was doing.  Lacking leadership and knowledge of how relationships between men and women flow, and given my experiences growing up, I chose what I thought was right.  Chose to be with men that didn't give me the butterflies, didn't necessarily make me swoon on first meeting.  I chose this because it was understood at an early age, that if you did choose to go with those kinds of feelings, when it didn't work out, the aftermath would be so intense, the rejection, the pain, the loss of identity.

I was self-protecting...how average of me.  Better to have control over your emotions.  Better to be the one left standing, than the one needing help up off the ground.  Better to not be Lloyd Dobler holding your boombox over your head desperately hoping your love will hear it and come back. 

I didn't know how to be vulnerable.  Didn't know I was also messed up.  Didn't know I hadn't averted the original design.  Didn't know that I was like everyone else...average in all the ways that every human is average.

Didn't know until Jon, didn't completely understand until now...

Truth Serum II

I laid awake thinking last night about me- seems to be my favorite topic of thought these days.  I try not to view it as completely narcissistic, because the concepts that I'm "chewing on"  are universal in nature and not merely centered around me.  Currently, I'm struggling with a concept that, until recently, I thought I had figured out.  The concept of sameness in humanity.

Before I go off on a tangent, some background information about my original thoughts on this topic.  I've never thought we were designed the same.  Or actually more to the point, I never thought I was designed the same.  As egotistical as that sounds, and I'm becoming more and more aware of just how elitist this thought pattern is, it's the truth.  I've always thought sameness applied to others.  Always have seen it in others, this status quo mentality, Lemming thought process.  I've always rallied against this concept.  In fact the worse thing I felt I could ever be in this world is average.

And so, I was determined to be different.  I looked at all the Lemmings, the vast landscape of human sameness and ho-hum existence, and began fervently packing a bag for a different destination.  I purchased my one-way ticket long ago and never looked back.  I traversed mountains, climbing up above the cloud cover and dug out a space where I could sit.  And sit I did.  I sat and looked down into the valley of sameness, from my exceptional vantage point.

I even tried to help lift others out of sameness.  Tried to take people with me, friends, family members, yet in the end they always failed to reach the summit.  And so, lacking the endurance to push them up (you can lead a horse to water...), I came to the decision that they were just designed to be like everyone else, and I was just different...exceptional.  For whatever reason, I was lucky enough, or more determined, to not be status quo.  This used to bother me, used to make me feel isolated, until I just accepted this concept...that I'm not like everyone else, nay, I'm better.

'Tis a difficult thing indeed to think of myself this way, yet I cannot hide from this truth.  That was how I reasoned my uniqueness.  In this line of thinking, I could keep everyone at arm's length.  I could climb down from my mountain and mingle with the locals, but in the end my home was on higher ground.  Ugh, how revolting was I?  Funny, I never considered myself to be egotistical or elitist.  However, I can see now how my line of thinking, my idea that I am different/ unique, has created in me a separation.  A separation between the rest of society and me.  This separation has built up a considerable amount of pride and ego.  A feeling of self-importance, not that my life is more valuable than another, but that I've figured out something that other people hadn't.  That I'm more aware of things, more able, more intelligent, more equipped to handle the deeper theories in humanity.  That I'm different, and in that difference is excellence. 

My ego would like to take this opportunity to point out that I did try to use this excellence to help others excel.  However, my mind feels obligated to point out to my ego, that while I was helping others, I was also, in fact, aiding my feelings of self-important, better than you, excellence. 

I'm reminded of a recurring statement my parents used to say when I was young,"There's just no getting through to you.  I can't tell you anything."  It's a bitter thing indeed to look back and see that they could've been right all along.  That all this time, all these years, when I thought they just didn't understand...could it all have been me? I have a difficult time thinking it was all me, yet is it true? Ashamedly, it's easy to take on roll of teacher, much more challenging for me to be a student...sigh.

Ugh is this true...is this really true?  My inner thought process fights these notions as not plausible.  I can't be this way.  "It's not what you think!" my ego wails from the corner.  You're misunderstanding, I...I haven't explained it well," it's panicking now.  Wringing it's hands, it grabs at any past notion it's ever implanted in my brain to try and throw at this new revelation, trying to kill it in it's infancy. 

But now that I've seen the truth, reverting seems impossible.  After all, it's expensive to change a ticket...and what if there aren't any flights available when I want to return?

Truth Serum

Sadness pervades every fiber of my being.  So many things feel insurmountable today.  I am at a loss.  I am not good enough, strong enough, wise enough.  I cannot hold everything, support everything, I AM FAILING.  Failing my brother, my sister-in-law, TJ, Jordyn, friends, loved ones, myself.  I am at a loss for what to say, what to do, how to help.  I'm a skyscraper in a city of chaos.  All around me things are crumbling, falling apart, coming undone.  Yet, here I stand trying to stay upright while my foundation is starting to show cracks.  Tiny fissures of helplessness and doubt are starting to run across the ceilings in every room, on every floor.  The fuses are blowing and I'm unable to keep the lights on.  Rooms are starting to go dark.  How can I change the reflection in my mirrored facade.  How can I make them see?

Oh God, is this the lesson you are trying to teach me?  I realize that I've been struggling to come to terms with this in my brain.  Wasn't truly aware of this until this moment, right now, funny how I just prayed about this last night...be prepared to get what you ask for. The lesson is this...I will fail, no it's bigger than that...WE will fail....nope bigger than that even....HUMANITY will always fail.  Yet even as I write this, as I type this my inner thought process is denouncing this as true.  Is that pride?  Pride that doesn't want to admit to this failing of humanity.  Pride that I cannot do things on my own.  Pride and yet again my overabundant supply of independence.... 

UGH...Is this really true??  Yet even as I question the validity of this theory, I know it to be true.  I feel  it to be true.  Feel it in my innermost being and it saddens me.  Saddens not my mind or soul, but my ego.  It's my ego that makes me feel dejected.  My ego that is making me feel less than right now.  Yet even as I know this intellectually, it doesn't lighten the darkness.

However, I cannot go back.  I cannot let myself rationalize this truth away, even though it currently fills me with such overwhelming heaviness, sadness, and turmoil.  I have to allow this new concept/theory/idea/truth to marinate until I am well with it.  I have to sit, I have to wait.

The truth is thus:

I WILL FAIL, I CANNOT DO THINGS ON MY OWN, MY WILL IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH

I do not like this design feature right now.  I DO NOT.  This is hard for me to swallow.

See but that's the thing.  That's what society is always trying to tell us.  This lie.  This complete fantasy.  This utter foolishness, that "we" hold the answers.  That "we" have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc.  That "we" do it alone.  Yes, there is a point that we do have to make decisions, that the choice is in our hands.  But look at the track record.  If we, meaning humanity, truthfully do have all the power we need to change, create,  and help ourselves then why haven't "we" done anything about?  What are we waiting for?   Is it lack of desire...certainly not.  Is it lack of resources; we are more advantaged and have more resources at our fingertips than ever before. 

Therefore the only conclusion that can be drawn is that we aren't the answer.  We do not hold the absolute power in our lives to effect lasting change.  I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember!  In fact, have told many people that we do have the power to change our circumstances, life, etc., that limits are self-created.  While I still believe that we have responsibility and hold some power to inact change, I'm beginning to understand our limits, my limits. and that is humbling.  Humbling and scary, yet freeing in other ways...summed up in one very simple statement:

I am human, I have limits...God is infinite, I am not.

Dear Jon

It's painful still.   The past two days have seemed so lonely, so dark.  I keep thinking that it will pass, as I wipe away my tears; cling to the knowledge that this can't last forever.  And yet, in the back of my mind, I'm unsure.  The memories that are coming back are so sharp, so tangible.  I'm left yet again, with a vision of myself like a child stomping my feet and yelling "IT'S NOT FAIR!" at the top of my lungs.  Am I really still in this place???  Have I really not gotten any further along this road??  All this pain I've allowed myself to experience.  All the times I've allowed myself to just break down and cry...the grocery store, bicycling, walking around town...all this has been done in vain?  Will this ever end?  Will I ever not feel like something is missing?  Will I ever not feel cheated, denied, punished?

Last night the moon was out.  So brilliant, beautifully serene floating amongst the clouds.  I wondered if you could see it?  If you could see the stars that night.  I'm alone even though I'm surrounded by others.  How I long for your presence.  How I yearn for the connection we had.  It's hard to go through every day knowing that my days would've been so different with you in my life.  And I'm the one left here.  Left here to fight, to struggle, to survive. Tonight it just doesn't seem just.  Why was it your time?  Why not mine?  Or why not ours?  Or why not either of us?  I don't understand.

The past couple of days I've been losing the war.  I'm apologize if I'm letting you down, but it seems that my army is surrounded.  I've got no ammo left  and I just threw my last grenade.  Hope and faith is all I have left.  I'm hoping this will pass, and I desperately cling to the belief that someday this will all make sense.  This will all have been for a purpose, a reason.  I guess I'll just dig a hole and wait for reinforcements.  Hope they don't screw up the coordinates and lose me, or worse destroy me...

I miss you daily, hourly, deeply, painfully...tearfully.

L

Since Sunday...

What happened to the joy
Where has the laughter gone
The light has dimmed
The weight has remained

How quickly pain returns
An unwelcome guest, always staying too long
How swiftly day turns to dark
Hoping for dawn
Need to feel the sun

Fighting for another day
Not sure one will come
Trying not ask why

I've been here before
Will I find my way again?

Carnivale

Couples as far as the eye can see
Some with strollers
Some walking hand in hand
Surrounded by a sea of couples
I stand alone, my thoughts as companion.

Tonight I fight with reality
My heart wants not to believe
I feel like I'm walking backwards
Present hurling by in a blur
My stomach queasy

When will this ride be over?

Reverie

Photographs of you spark my melancholy
The warmth of your smile
A twinkle in your eye
Laughter in your expression
And I'm pulled back again
Back into reverie,
Reliving the moments frozen in the frames
Why do I still wish for something I cannot have?

When will the longing end?

When...

My Midnight Visit

I just spent the last few hours at a friend's house listening to the breakdown of her marriage. How nothing seems to be able to be done. How it's not getting better. How he doesn't get it. How he's not willing to go to counseling. How they have the same arguments over and over and over. How it's over.

I'm sitting there feeling overwhelmed. This is above my pay grade. I have no idea what to do, what to say, so I pray. I pray for her. I pray for them. I pray for me. I pray...trying to pray away the loneliness, the pain, the hole inside me, inside them. What is the right course? How can I best help them? What can I possibly offer them if the only option that I have to give them is something that he isn't really willing to do? Why do people stop before exhausting all resources? Why do people have that line that they won't cross? Why do they not stop at nothing. Why?

You are married...this is a non-negotiable. There is no stop, no line, no divide between what you will and won't do to grow. How can you hold back from something that could help? Why will you not "go the extra mile." Why are you fighting? These are all things I wish I could say to him. These are all things that need to be said, challenged. Why are people so protective of themselves when it comes to marriage? What are you protecting yourself from? Your spouse, your pain? How has that been working out for you? Are you or your marriage in a better place than a year ago?

Frustrating for me. So completely frustrating to see when others are blind. Or am I the one blinded? Blinded by hope in something that I've never fully experienced, only felt, that it is possible. Cut short before it had a time to actualize, I am left only with these ideas of what I think our relationship would have been. I have these ideas that Jon and I would have been different. But is this true? Would we have been different? Would we have exhausted everything for our relationship? Would we truly have had no stopping point. No proverbial line drawn in the sand. In truth, I'll never know. But I cling to the hope that this kind of relationship could exist.

If I live my whole life and never find it, that's ok. I will not settle for anything less.

Grey Day

Dear Jon,

Your house is almost complete and I feel no sense of accomplishment. These last few weeks have been arduous, but at least they've offered a distraction. Now that it is coming to an end, I'm left with unrest. Agitated, yet know not how to quell my anger. I'm itching to run, yet can't seem to find my shoes. I'm afraid of the dark, yet can't seem to find the switch. I long for different, yet find myself surrounded by sameness.

My life is a vacuum,and I'm just waiting foot poised on the power button, daring myself to step down and let life take it's course. There is no rhyme or reason to life for me today. No intentions, no direction, just a vast landscape of faults, afflictions, and mountains to climb. I've thrown away my backpack and spare rations. My compass got tangled up in some branches a couple miles back. It's raining, I'm soaked, and I could care less.

I don't want to find my way home...there is no home. Home is just a fallacy we create in our head so that we don't feel alone. So that we, as human, feel connected to one another. I don't need comfort. I don't need connection. I don't need. I don't want. I don't care. I don't...today.

I'M SO DONE

If They Only Knew

Your scent still lingers
Nobody else can tell but me
They all think I'm crazy
They all think I'm creating it out of some need
A need of what?

Comfort?
If they only knew how much it effects me, they would understand

Security?
If they only knew how much I ache, they would understand

Connection?
If they only knew how painful the memory, they would understand

They would understand that your scent doesn't give me anything but grief

An instant reminder of what was and can never be again
Anguished that I'll never see you again
Angered that I'll never be with you again, share with you again

How is this possible?

If they only knew...

Bottom of the 9th

The 9th Sunday. It's the ninth Sunday since I last spoke with you. I can still recite our last conversation. Tonight I found out how quickly you were drawn to me, how much you cared for me, heard the story from someone else's lips. Heard how much you held back so that we could develop a foundation of friendship. I'm so thankful for everything, every way in which you demonstrated how much you cared for me. I always felt so treasured, loved, appreciated, respected, not from what you would say but from what you would do, your actions.

Because of you I have a bar with which to measure...I just wish I didn't have to.

I miss you. I miss us. Tonight, it's raw.

2 Months

I was afraid I was losing you
Afraid that my memories were fading
Not wanting to forget one minute of time, one frame, one expression
To relish in the moments like kids basking in the freedom of summer
Playing them over and over in my mind out of fear

Fear that I would forget
Fear that your importance would lessen
Fear there would be no lasting impact

All because the tears were lessening
Lessening from torrential downpours to dreary drizzle
From rapid waterfalls to bubbling brooks

It was then that light dawned

All that I've been asking for
Prayers for strength, release, answers, direction, peace, faith
The nights spent crying out for help
The mornings weeping at dawn

The storm is running its course

Clarity is beginning to grow
Hope has found it's way into my soul
A new foundation is being built

A voice gently saying
It's ok to let go
Trust in me
Let the fear subside

Surrender

In me you will always remember

What Comes After "I Do"

Tonight I became aware of something that I thought I've already dealt with. I was sitting with a friend exchanging thoughts about life and suddenly it slapped me across the face. This fear that I didn't think was an issue anymore. This fear that I thought I had put to bed. This fear of marriage and lifelong commitment.

It's easy to see why I would fear it. I'm surrounded by marriages in different states of chaos and dysfunction, not to mention my own encounter with it, so it's understandable that I would be wary of sharing my life with someone in matrimony. It's scary to witness and even scarier to think that none of this was evident when the words "I DO" were shared. When these people promised to love and cherish each other for eternity they didn't know what they were entering into. The issues didn't come up until after they were married. After they walked the isle, changed names and now they were stuck. I was stuck. Stuck in a marriage more terrifying and unfulfilling than being alone. And here's the real question, if they knew then what they know now, would they still get married?

I know what it feels like to be in these situations. I've lived it. The constant arguing both with your partner and yourself. The loss of self respect, dignity, pride. The loss of love, hope, dreams. Deep feelings of sorrow, regret, anger, resentment...I've had them all. I've had them all and have worked diligently to overcome them. Would I ever want to risk putting myself in a situation where the same things could happen again?

With Jon, everything felt different, right, smooth. Everything felt grounded, supported by each other like a solid foundation supports a house. I had a visualization in my head of what our marriage would look like. It would not be ordinary. It would not be nights of lack luster conversations or tension filled meals at the dinner table. It would not be built on hiding truths or fear of exposing issues. It would have been filled with joy, respect, laughter, and partnership. A deep understanding of one another and a willingness to work together in order to make our marriage stronger.

There seems to be an epidemic in this country. An epidemic so contagious that it seems to be multiplying more rapidly each day. There seems to be a shortage of people willing to die. By dying I don't mean death, I mean surrender. While people take vows of love, honor, and respect when they marry, it seems that somewhere along the line these vows get forgotten. Somehow barriers are constructed whereby husbands and wives vow they will do anything for their mate...anything but "that." This lack of selflessness is the virus that is being spread in our society. It's not always verbalized, this silent deal breaker, but if you look hard enough you can find it. It's hiding among the arguments and petty disagreements. The inability to see the other person's viewpoint. The tone that is used. It's found in the choices that couples make and the way in which they keep track of things to make sure that everything is equal. Selflessness is an attribute that is so necessary for a successful marriage. Without it, individuals are always striving for what is best for him/herself. The need to put oneself first will supersede the partner. Even if it appears that they are doing something for their partner, there will be an agenda behind the action.

Is this what marriage becomes? A power struggle to see who gives up the least? A partnership more incongruous than business partners yet somehow existing and living under the same roof? How did a unity so sacred that it serves as an example of the unison of Father and Son evolve into this? How did it go astray?

To have a successful marriage you must have the desire to do anything in order to improve the marriage! Possess the ability to die to yourself so that there can become a stronger union. This is the breaking point that most people aren't capable of crossing- this ability to be selfless and submit to what needs to be done.

There isn't an even trade when it comes to marriage. It's not about equality...it's about partnership.

Surreal

The key feels heavy in my hand as I walk to the door. I pause and turn the key in the lock, opening your door, still wishing you were on the other side. I am greeted by your scent. It permeates the air, like lilacs on a warm summer evening. Thick, heady, I breathe deeply as tears start to roll down my face. I drop my bag and feel the carpet between my fingers as I crumble onto the floor. It takes a moment to realize that the voice shattering the silence is my own.

I don't even recognize the sound of my own sorrow.

Open Door

Hallway of my life
Doors line the walls
So many choices
Looking for the light behind to illuminate
Which one to open

Knobs of heavy brass, cold in my grip

I step back, hesitate

It's not time to decide

It's time to wait

Cleaning House

Dear Jon,

Your family arrived a couple days ago and we have begun the task of cleaning out your house. The home of my memories is now starting to look like a house. The group came yesterday and we had a movie night. You would've loved seeing the whole group and your family cozily watching a movie downstairs. I so wish you would've been there. In fact, I kept expecting you to walk through the house at any moment, kept expecting to hear your footsteps down the stairs, kept expecting you to sit down next to me, and wrap your arm around my shoulders...but you never did.

And you should be here. There is still a part of me that cannot believe that this is happening. I'm helping your family sort through your stuff, and yet it doesn't seem real. I keep thinking that maybe we're just sorting through stuff because we're joining households, or you decided to have a garage sale. I keep thinking that you're just going to walk through the door, cross the room and give me a hug hello. How I long for your return, and yet know that's not possible.

I never realized that you could miss someone so tangibly with all of your being. I never knew that you could long for someone so much that you think you can bring them back by sheer will, thoughts, and determination.

WE FEEL CHEATED! All of us. The whole family. Cheated. Cheated that we don't get to see you and me together. Cheated that there will be no wedding. Cheated that there won't be any children to witness you as a father. CHEATED that we found the person that we wanted to be with, connect with, live out our lives with. Why would this happen? Why, when everyone was praying that Jon would find his mate and marry, would it end before completion?

I can't stop having images of the future in my head. They play through my mind like a movie. A future that isn't going to happen, can't happen, because you're not here. I don't even have to close my eyes to see us together. On Thursday, before your family arrived, I was walking around upstairs, and it was as if your house was now our house. I was just prepping for your family's visit, making up the guest rooms, and you were downstairs making dinner. After we were finished, we would convene to the couch and cuddle up and chat about our day, or your family coming to town. Why can't this be the case?

A week. That's all the time I have left to be in your house. A week. Your family leaves on Friday. After Friday, your house will be empty, barren. It no longer even smells like you. The couches where we spent so much time talking are now sitting in the garage awaiting donation. The kitchen table where I sat and watched you cook me dinner the Saturday night before you died is now back to its rightful owner. They CD of the symphony we listened to that Saturday is now laying in a box marked "Les." Everything, all of it, will be gone.

My memories of us are all that's going to be left, and I hate it. I beyond hate it! I hate that there will be no more late night chats cuddling up on the couch. No more movie nights sharing the same blanket. No more watching you cook. No more drives through Horsetooth. No more evenings at the symphony or watching hockey fights on center ice. No more bike rides together in the rain. No more witty puns. No more us!!

It's beyond difficult to surrender to this, to wrap my head around this! I'm not fighting it, it so difficult. I cry often and without warning. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I drove home last night, contemplating pulling over, because I was sobbing so hard that I didn't know if I should be driving at the same time. It hurts. It hurts so bad at times that it actually feels like my heart is breaking. I actually feel physical pain.

Oh Jon, why couldn't you have lived? Why did you have to go? Why? Why? WHY! The unfairness of your death is so hard to fight! I can't believe that we didn't get more time. More time to enjoy what we had both finally found. This just can't be happening. It can't! There's been some mistake.

Why was it necessary for you to go?

Old Town

I went out tonight for the first time since Jon passed. We went out to old town, got dressed up and walked around enjoying the summer night. I wore a dress that I bought in the spring with hopes of wearing it on a warm summer date night. All around me were memories. It was as if I was walking through a dream.

Every where we went I could close my eyes and invision us walking arm in arm. Down this street is the coffee shop where we used to drink lattes and talk. Here is the art gallery where you found out about our shared loved of photography and you spoke of the summer when we could grab a couple of your cameras and hike up into the mountains. These are the sidewalks were I taught you what side you should walk on. There is the bench where we sat and debated for hours.

This town is too small for our memories. Every piece of the landscape, everything reminds me of you. It's so painful to walk your past in the present when presently you can no longer create memories like the past.

I know I shouldn't make any big decisions for awhile, but tonight leaves me wondering how long I should stay? I'm not sure this town is big enough to create a new future without marring it with constant reminders of the past.